What should I do if my partner doesn't want to have sex with me during my pregnancy?
Real Mom Problem
“For weeks I've been trying to get my husband to want to have sex with me. I feel like I am begging for attention and affection. I am hurt and I don't know what to do.”
- 1. Find out why he's resisting and try to be understanding
- 2. Talk to him about how you're feeling
- 3. Remind him that it's safe to have sex during a normal, healthy pregnancy
- 4. Be patient
Real Mom Solutions
Men tend to be eager to have sex, but some may become apprehensive when there's a baby on board. What can you do to get your man back in the mood? See what these moms recommend.
Our Expert Mom Says...
Three simple words: "Talk About It!" I happen to know that the three topics that send couples through the therapist's office door are: sex, money and kids. So begin now to address communication issues. As they say, timing is everything. Pick a time when you are both able to relax and spend some time talking — this does not include rushing out the door to work or at the end of a long day in bed. Perhaps a weekend morning while having a lazy breakfast (these days are numbered, so enjoy them now!) Using the "I" statements is key: I miss you or I love our intimacy and am craving it. Tread carefully with questions, such as: Are you afraid you will hurt the baby or do you find me unattractive now that I'm pregnant? Avoid the opportunity for them to become defensive and focus on reassuring them that sex while pregnant is considered fine and that this increased blood flow has "gone to your head!"
Remember there are lots of ways to share intimacy and express closeness, above and beyond sexual intercourse. Kissing, snuggling and cuddling, massage, and then there is my favorite over the counter product: Astroglide! Just the brand name sounds fun! A little dab on him or a little dab on you — let your imaginations run wild!
Good luck and have fun!
Sarah McMoyler, RN, BSN and mother, is WebMD's Pregnancy Expert, and founder of McMoyler Method. As a specialist in labor and delivery nursing for more than 20 years, McMoyler has assisted in the delivery of more than 5,000 babies. Her personal view and in-depth professional experience has been integral to McMoyler Method's success in graduating more than 18,000 San Francisco Bay Area couples to confidently approach pregnancy, prepare for delivery, and care for their newborn babies.
McMoyler decided to make her popular method available to a broader audience by presenting McMoyler Method to a global audience through the release of a book titled The Best Birth: Your Guide to the Safest, Healthiest, Most Satisfying Labor and Delivery and the upcoming launch of a new online class.
Some Men Are Afraid of Hurting Baby
Some men are funny about having sex with a pregnant woman. Talk to him about it. Maybe even read a book together about how sex during pregnancy is safe.
My husband was afraid to have sex during my pregnancy. I sat him down and talked about it and found out he was scared of hurting me or the baby, or that I would go into labor early. After we talked it through we talked about different things we could do and different positions as well. Now sex is on the menu again after three months of NOTHING.
Sometimes guys are weirded out about hurting you or the baby. Talk to him and tell him what you need.
He Might Be Too Tired
I know it seems like an excuse, but he really might just be tired. My husband has a really high sex drive, however lately his hours have gone up at work. He will cuddle with me on the couch but then as soon as we get in bed he passes out. Drives me insane and I often yell at him for 'not liking me' but I know that's just my hormones talking, they can make you insane. Sometimes I'll cry myself to sleep because I feel so rejected and alone but when I wake up with him in the morning all is forgiven.
If he is really just tired, try not to give him too much crap about it. However, if more often than not he is just sitting in bed doing other things maybe it is something else. He could be worried about the financial burden of another baby, something that's happening at work, or worried that he could 'hurt' the baby. Even if you can't get him to talk right away, maybe try changing your approach with how you come on to him. See if you get different results on his day off when he's not so tired.
Tell Him How You Feel
My only advice is to communicate and if you need to, go to therapy on your own for support and take what you learned to your husband.
I think I would demand to know what the problem was. If it's about the baby, fine, say so. If it's something else, say so. If it's "I don't know" then go to a doctor and have his hormone levels checked. But saying no, being uninterested, and not being willing to communicate about it would NOT fly with me.
Be Patient with Him
Sometimes it just takes time. Maybe he's feeling too much pressure? Do the little extras that show you love him, give him a kiss and go to bed. Maybe just ask for a hug when he gets home, just a hug. Find ways to start connecting physically again besides sex.