How can I cope after a miscarriage?
Real Mom Problem
“I am so sad. I am hurting inside and out. I feel like I need to be strong for my husband, for the kids, and for my own sanity, but I just feel so hollow. I do not know what to do or where to go from here.”
- 1. Give yourself time to mourn after a miscarriage
- 2. Understand that most miscarriages occur because the baby was not developing properly; miscarriages cannot be prevented
- 3. Try creating a memory box with memorabilia from your pregnancy as a way to cope with your loss
Real Mom Solutions
No matter when it comes during pregnancy, a miscarriage can be devastating. These moms have experienced miscarriage too -- let them help you grieve and learn how to cope with your loss.
Our Expert Mom Says...
Miscarriage is one of the "swept under the rug" events that most people in our lives want to avoid. The thinking is that to bring it up will make us sad; the reality is often that we need to talk about it. It happened, it was sad, and it did break our hearts. The normal aftermath is the fear of being pregnant again ? what if it happens again?
When I miscarried many years ago, it was one of the saddest days of my life. I combed the bookshelves looking for answers. Today there are more options and resources to refer to, starting with the world-wide-web. Additionally there are support groups, short-term therapy, and good old basic communication with your partner, dear friends and family and your OB/Midwife.
We are seeking answers, when the reality is that early miscarriages (first trimester) happen. One view is that the pregnancy was not meant to be or was imperfect. This does not decrease our sadness or devastation at the loss of what was our hope for the future. We are also looking for reassurance that we will go on to have a full-term pregnancy and bring a baby home.
I encourage you to let your feelings be real with the people in your life that will hold you close and support you as your heart mends. Talk with your OB/Midwife about when they suggest trying again, as actively working towards the next pregnancy can help.
Sarah McMoyler, RN, BSN and mother, is WebMD's Pregnancy Expert, and founder of McMoyler Method. As a specialist in labor and delivery nursing for more than 20 years, McMoyler has assisted in the delivery of more than 5,000 babies. Her personal view and in-depth professional experience has been integral to McMoyler Method's success in graduating more than 18,000 San Francisco Bay Area couples to confidently approach pregnancy, prepare for delivery, and care for their newborn babies.
McMoyler decided to make her popular method available to a broader audience by presenting McMoyler Method to a global audience through the release of a book titled The Best Birth: Your Guide to the Safest, Healthiest, Most Satisfying Labor and Delivery and the upcoming launch of a new online class.
Give Yourself Time to Grieve
I had a miscarriage and it tore me up. I took a few days to just cry, cry, and cry. Allow yourself time to grieve, it is necessary. When and if you are ready, you can try again.
I had two back to back miscarriages and it is never easy. All you can do is cry it out and I promise you as time passes you will feel better. You're in a mourning period and it's normal.
I think anything you both are going through emotionally is normal. It's not easy to process a lost baby. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve and heal.
Make sure to take time to grieve, and don't let anyone tell you that you "can just try for another one" before you are ready. It is ok if it takes some time, and it's ok if you decide you are ready.
Understand It's Not Your Fault
I still miss my baby I didn't get to meet. It gets better. I keep reminding myself that it is not my fault. The way I chose to see it is something was not developing right so my baby was not healthy, and I want a happy health baby.
The reason for a miscarriage is usually because something went wrong with implantation and there would have been a defect so your body is getting rid of an unhealthy embryo. It's not anything we can prevent.
Try These Coping Tips
I was devastated. Things I did to cope: Name the baby a gender-neutral name. I had a special memory box created to keep the few memorabilia that I had such as the pregnancy tests, cards we got, baby outfit I had bought as a way to tell my husband I was pregnant etc. I also got an Angel charm for my bracelet to represent the baby. I know how hard it is in the beginning, it will get easier as time goes on. Everything you are feeling is normal.