How can I cope with a miscarriage after trying to conceive?
Real Mom Problem
“My doctor says to just hang in there and try again, not to worry yet. But I'm so disappointed. Anyone out there had a pregnancy turn into a miscarriage? Any positive updates to report after that? I'm feeling really alone here.”
- 1. Miscarriage can be painful, physically and emotionally. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal
- 2. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support if you need it
- 3. Miscarriages are common and aren't an indication that you won't be able to carry a baby to term
Real Mom Solutions
Everyone handles the disappointment, grief, and pain of pregnancy loss differently. Find out how women like you have coped with miscarriage and moved forward.
Let Yourself Grieve -- It Gets Better
Cry it out. Cry when you need to, even if it's in the produce section of the grocery store. You'd be surprised how many women will come and comfort you. I know this from experience. Be open; let friends know that you still love them but you aren't yourself. Friends, in turn, will know to give you space to heal, or wash your laundry, etc. Be honest with yourself: you will never get over this, never, even if you have twenty kids you will still have an empty place in your heart for that baby you lost. Know that you WILL be depressed. It's a given. You are going to have good days and bad days, days when it's all easy, and days when you will sob in the shower, hide in your closet, bawl into your coffee and blubber into your cereal. Get used to it, and never bottle it up.
You've suffered a loss that no mother should have to go through. There will be an ache for some time, but as you carry another baby the ache will slowly go away. You'll hold your brand new baby and know that even as difficult as losing your baby was, you will be okay.
You have to take it day by day. Cry if you want, scream if you want, grieve. Get it all out. To say it goes away and you don't think of it would be a lie, but with time it gets better.
Some Moms Find Solace in Ceremony
You will never forget. But with each day, it will get better. We planted trees. They bloom with flowers in May--that was the month I was due--and in August apples are ready to harvest, so that's nice.
One thing that helped us get over our miscarriage was planting a tree in our yard in memory of our angel baby. That really made a difference, because I have something physical to look at.
Find closure. For a friend it was a naming ceremony and a brick at the cemetery. For me, it was a huge pot with flowers that bloom year round that I can tend to; it's something that needs me.
Get Support for Your Grief
Check out the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support Group here on CafeMom. The ladies have been WONDERFUL! I don't think I would have survived without them.
Your husband won't understand what you are going through; he will be walking around like a brainless robot jumping at loud noises and staring at you like you might implode at any given second. Throw him a bone. Tell him you don't expect him to get it completely, but you do need him to let you grieve and you also need him to help keep you normal. Go out for quiet dinners, a movie (you can cry in the dark and no one knows but you and him), let friends watch your daughter, let your husband take over things, like dishes, vacuuming, etc. I had to let my husband take over grocery shopping and taking my son to and from school and dealing with school stuff. It was hard, but it really did help.
You have every reason to want to talk about the baby you lost. He is your son, a real person, not just a bad memory, or a pregnancy gone wrong! Everyone deals with grief differently. Even if your family doesn't mention him, it doesn't mean they aren't grieving, too.
I think it's perfectly natural to want another baby to get over the pain of losing one. Everyone copes differently with grief. My husband didn't talk about the baby we lost for almost a year! It's just as hard on the men, but like he said, he was trying to be strong for me, and us. He didn't know if letting his feelings out would be too much for me at the time of loss and those few weeks and months after.
Some people don't know what to say when you've had a miscarriage and sometimes they feel uncomfortable talking about it. So many just avoid the topic completely and act weird around you. I totally understand. I read a book that was really helpful "An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart." They talk about all the different emotions that people go through.
When I had my first miscarriage, I was very depressed but I held my emotions in. I wish I'd gotten help. Please get help if you think you need it!
Don't Blame Yourself
Please don't blame yourself. Know that God has a plan for you and your angel baby who will be looking over you. He and your family will help you get through it.
Getting and staying pregnant is a very complex process. Do not blame yourself. Many of us have had miscarriages and yes they are very difficult. For most, it is impossible to figure out the cause. My suggestion is to do what you can to prepare your body for the next pregnancy and know sometimes miscarriage is part of the journey.
It feels like something has to be wrong with you but sometimes, it's just bad luck with a bad egg or bad sperm. It is hard. I hate hearing that it's "normal" but my doctor has made me feel better. He has said if three women walk in pregnant, only one will end up with a baby.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! When your crazy brain starts thinking "What if I..." just tell it to shut up because it's not true.