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Im having trouble learning how to deal with a stepdaughter who thinks I'm MEAN. I have my own son about her age (8 she is 9) I just can't adjust to someone not liking me. I guess it could just be because "i took her dad away" like all the articles say. but Im not sure I can continue hearing that I mean and I have too many rules and I dont want to come visit you guys.HOW LONG WILL this last?

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jennifertiggr

Asked by jennifertiggr at 6:04 PM on Jan. 3, 2009 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

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Answers (12)
  • It isn't how long will this last. It should be how do I change her view of me. Cause lets face it, it could very well last way into adult years. You should sit her down and talk to her. Maybe take her to get her hair done, just the two of ya. Or something else you think the two of you could do together. It is hard on her to see you as a mother figure cause I am sure alot of adults are hating on ya and she is in the mist of hearing all of that. She has to find out for herself you are not the big bad wolf. Spend some time alone with her. Try to take it slow on the rules like impose one new one a week not bombarding her all at once with a bunch. It takes a long time to warm up with children when you are a step parent especially when you come in at such a late stage. I have been with my hubby since end of 01 and now his daughter is 12yo. cont....
    lovinmomto3

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 6:18 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • It has taken a long time for her not to think of me as "the bad guy". I guess when she was about 9 or so she came home mad at me (we have full custody). I just didn't know what was wrong with her. Well to find out her mom and my mil was saying all kinds of bad things about me. So I finally just lost it, (listened to this for years). And said Listen you know how I treat you, and you can not tell me that I treat you any dif than I treat any of the other kids living here. You are old enough now to know what the truth is! You know that I do not spank you all the time or talk down to you or be mean to you for any reason. Maybe I get on your case but has it ever been unnessisary? cont....
    I am not saying that is right for you just telling you my story in hopes it will help ya do the right thing for your situation.
    lovinmomto3

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 6:18 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Well she didn't speak to me the rest of the night and I was upside down with my self saying all of that to her. But after years it was just to much. Anyhow, the next day she told me she was sorry and she knew I was really good to her and that I loved her. And we have such a great relationship now.
    lovinmomto3

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 6:18 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • it really could last forever i didnt like my step mom until i was grown. i felt she was mean and would always snoop in my stuff. the attitude could be coming from her mom so just try to spend some time with her when she comes over maybe the two of you can have a girls day out spa, movies, out to eat. hope things turn around for you now i love my step mom and were close
    KEYWEA

    Answer by KEYWEA at 6:20 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • I was like this with my step mom from 6th grade til now...it wont stop til she is on her own...sorry. Just try to form a bond, take her to the movies, shopping...or maybe color her hair, that what brought me and my step mom together...she just has to grow up
    Mikayla_lynn

    Answer by Mikayla_lynn at 6:25 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • My step mom entered my life when I was about 9. I didn't like my step mom much and it was partly because at times it felt like she was taking my dad away from me. Even though that wasn't true. It was also partly because my mom didn't like my step mom. She bad mouthed my step mom a lot and when choosing sides kids will go with the Bio parent almost every time. What made me like my step mom years later was that she was the one who believed me when others wouldn't about a sexual abuse incident.
    AprilD32

    Answer by AprilD32 at 8:55 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • I went to live with my dad and step mom after that and don't get along with my bio mom very well even to this day. That (I hope) will not ever happen to your SD. I recomend having an afternoon with her, light hearted fun, just you and her. Maybe the two of you can get to know eachother a little better without the normal life stress in the way. Every situation, every kid, every step parent, is different. There is no knowing how things will turn out.
    AprilD32

    Answer by AprilD32 at 8:55 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • I think the best way to over come this is to try and spend some time with her. I am not sure if this is possible, but I think you need to make her feel like she is wanted. You may already be doing these things, I am not sure.

    I think you need to spend some girl time with her and talk to her. When you talk to her really listen to what she is saying to you. Try to just be there and let her know that sometimes your rules are for her own good.

    Good Luck
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 9:09 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • all these posts are great.Right now my 13 yr old son hates his step mom(and honestly,she is not a nice person to him) but I have taught him to respect people and that sometimes we don't have to like everytone.her actions have caused this, I have tried so hard to help son acept her but she isn't even trying so...here is my advice.Don't give up on this child,she is hurting and no it isn't your fault but she is a child-u are a grownup.I know w/my ds it is a trust issue,he is afraid to trust that she will not turn into a loon and take his father away.Make sure that her dad is available to her,call her and invite her to a surprise for her dad-set them up on a "date" and stay home.Let her see u want her w/her daddy-that is so important.Nothing may work but I promise u someday as an adult she will look back and know u lovd her-her good/bad and ugly.And I have to believe that.Good luck and don't give up!
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 2:02 AM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • I dont know if this is where I should post this response but here it goes.. Thank you all for your advice. Most of that I have tried to do. The problem is that she doesnt like to do things together. She doesnt like shopping, girl stuff, and will not come out of her comfort zone to try something new. I dont know if it is something serious or just that she is immature, but she will not play with kids unless they are playing the two things she enjoys (dinosaurs and pokemon). I know it is me that is the adult and that I should be the bigger one... so I walk away when she gets on my nerves... but that insults her father. So I dont know what to do. I think I will try to be "away" when he sees her every other weekend.. Maybe they need some time together.
    jennifertiggr

    Answer by jennifertiggr at 8:35 AM on Jan. 4, 2009

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