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How would you handle this situation? Bio daughter vs step daughter.

OK, this evening I was informed by my 11-year-old bd that my 14-year-old sd cussed her out. The sd used the f and d words at my child. I was furious. My daughter WAS being annoying to the 14-year-old, but I'm sorry that doesn't warrant a verbal attack like that using those kind of words. I mean i'm not naive, it's not like my bd hasn't heard them before, but we're suppose to be a family and I don't believe that one family member should address another family member in that manner, the fact that they are kids only makes me madder at the situation. (I was told all of this second hand didn't hear the exchange). What would you do? I want to wring the step d neck, hubby thinks we should let it go"kids will be kids' kind of thing. I want to defend my daughter. What a mess help!


Asked by teachnmom67 at 8:18 PM on Jan. 3, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (17)
  • It's only natural as a parent to want to defend your child.  It is also normal for children to get verbal.  It sound like the 14 year old was frustrated with the 11 year old and needs to learn the tools to verbalize in a more positive manner.  Both you and your husband need to discuss house rules.  Then the two of need to be a team. talk to the girls together on what is not acceptable.  I have two daughters 15 and 18 the younger one loves to annoy her sister.  Her sister can not just let it be and walk away.  The words that fly out of their mouths can get nasty.  I am sure your stepdaughter will think that your defending your daughter and your daughter will also think that your favoring your stepdaughter.  Sometimes it's better to just allow the girls to work it out on their own, who knows they just might become good friends. 

    Answer by mommiedear at 2:12 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • hubby wants to let it go cuz its his child

    Answer by jodi205 at 8:19 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Don't let it go but handle it like SD was your BD too, thats the best advice I can give in this situation

    Answer by hautemama83 at 8:24 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • I wouldn't necessarily defend your dd, but you should let your sd know that these words are unacceptable to be used by her especially in this house. If your dd was annoying sd that doesn't mean that she can speak to anyone that way. good luck!

    Answer by coala at 8:25 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Oh honey I do not envy you..but your hubby needs to grow a backbone and stand behind you on this one. If she finds out she can put a wedge between the two of you and get dad on her side whe she is clearly wrong..then you are skrewed..and so is that kid. He needs to do what's best for both kids even if he has to squirm to do it. He's the dad even when it's not comfy and fun

    Answer by SuZQ55 at 8:27 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • If you treat ever situation, My step daughter and my biological daughter, you will never be a family. Wht would you have done had it been the other way around? You should start calling them your daughters first instead of labeling them step and biological. Coming from a family of similar situations you are creating a future world of hurt for yourself. Tell the 14 yr old not use those words around the house, (shes 14 shes gonna use those words whether or not you tell her to).

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:32 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Some more cussing needs to go on..that's you cussing your hubby! 11yo DO not need to talk that way..REGARDLESS! Don't even entertain the fact that "she was being annoying"..that doesn't matter. SD needs her ass kicked!

    Answer by sydsmom2 at 8:38 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Anon at 7:32 you took the words right out of my mouth. Mom, if these girls were same age, same incident except you gave birth to both how would you handle the situation? I'd also be making sure the 14 yr old knows the repercussions for acting out at the 11 yr old for telling.

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 8:45 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • I have so been there, done that, and after a few years of trying to fix it, I found that sometimes the best way to handle it is to stay out of. This isn't about defending your DD, it is about SD not talking that way. And if you run to your DD's rescue everytime, the divide will be felt and resented and only make matters worse.

    Pull her aside and let her know that under no circumstance should she ever talk to another human being like that, let alone a family member, and that if you ever hear of her talking that way again she will have consequences.

    Answer by luckysevenwow at 8:47 PM on Jan. 3, 2009

  • Defend your daughter?  By your own admission she was being annoying. If she is old enough to get on her step sister's nerves she's old enough to handle the consequences. You will be showing your daughter that all she has to do is come crying to Mommy and you will jump to battle mode. So let them work it out. DO have a talk with your daughter. Talk to her about HER actions and that she will always have to live with the consequences of her actions. I would hope my husband would sit down with his daughter and talk to her about his expectations of her responses to an annoying younger step sibling. Then let it go. I would also hope my husband makes it clear to his daughter that if it happens again ________ would happen. Let him discipline his daughter. But you are not the one to punish his child. Period. You just make sure your daughter is safe from harm. End of story.

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:35 PM on Jan. 3, 2009