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i dont feel like "the victim".

my SO grabbed my throat last night and squeezed it till i couldnt breathe. we were in a very heated physical fight. i know this is abuse but i am not going to play the victim because i was punching and hitting him. he finally lost his control and grabbed my throat. he has a history of abuse with his ex and said he would never do it to me but i feel like it was my fault. i dont even know how i feel about it. i dont know what i should do. he said he would never do this to me. he also says he would never cheat on me. now i feel all of this is not true. he was crying so hard last night and i just sat there with no emotions. i know i will hear everyone saying to leave him, its easier said than done. but what would you ladies REALLY do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on Jan. 4, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • I think you BOTH have a problem here. I think it would be wise to seek counseling.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • Leave him. I was in an abusive relationship and to me it wasnt worth staying. Obviously YOU arent at YOUR best with him either if youre hitting and punching him. Is that really the environment you want to raise a child in and have them believe is NORMAL? I am guessing no. You may have hit and punched him but he is a man and real men never lose it and hit women. Plain and simple. By staying you are saying it is ok for him to do. He has a history of DV already with someone else. By staying you are also showing your kids DV is ok. They will grow up to be abusers or marry one. Then how will you feel?

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • P.S in case you didnt know CPS can and will take your children away from you if there is domestic violence in the home. So also ask yourself if losing your children over this is worth it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • I think it sounds like yo both have anger and abuse issues. I think the best thing to do is to seek help, both of you. If he was crying maybe it is possible he actually felt badly for his actions but didn't know how to handle his anger. I feel for you sweetie I hope it all works out. In the time being I think you need to get you and your children AWAY from the situation!!!

    Answer by happyathomemum at 5:35 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • this is a very hard spot to be in and i think its so easy for women who have not been through this can make comments and say oh you need to leave you need to leave as if it is the easiest thing in the world, ihave been in a couple abusive relationships the first one i was scared for my life so i stayed, he finally got bored and moved on thank god the second was much harder because it was the father of my children and we hd been together almost 4 yrs before he got really abusive (i mean there were little red flags but nothing major) and with the little things i know just what you mean i didnt feel like a victim either, and i know the victim isnt at fault but atleast once i can 100% honestly say i was at fault it sounds to me like you both need help and if you want your relationship to work it would probably be best for you and children to move out whle you seek help

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 5:39 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • It is bad all the way around. I don't think it's your fault for him choking you but it was totally wrong for you to physically abuse him as well! He must have done something pretty horrible for you to be punching him, so your relationship obviously needed a lot of work to begin with. Now that it's escalated on both sides, you are wayyyy over into dangerous territory. If you two are going to survive, you BOTH have to stop all the fighting. It sounds like he doesn't want to continue this pattern. You have to do your part too! You gotta work together on this, or go your separate ways before any more damage is done.

    Answer by hopelessnance at 5:39 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • cont. and you should seek help togehter and apart it sounds like you both have issues you need to resolve on your own and others you need to take care of together good luck and if you need to talk please feel free to PM me anytime

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 5:41 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • You know its one thing you hitting im because if its like me and my fiancee Im 105lbs. hes 270 lbs. my hits wouldnt affect him, but my fiancee WOULD NEVER lose so much control to where he tried to choke me he NEVER would do that to me because if he loses control and does that then he needs to seek help I agree go see a counselor

    Answer by HollyRose at 5:55 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • I understand you not wanting to play the victim because you were just as much at fault here. But this is were I'll tick off all the feminists! Women ARE weaker physically then men. You may have been hitting him too, but if he punched you I'm sure it could have caused a lot more damage than you punching him. I'm not going to tell you to leave, because I don't think you should. I do think you should both be in counseling to get help with your anger problems. And there is a great book you should read together, or if he won't read it with you, you read it alone and put the principles into action immediately. Within a year you won't even recognize the old couple you used to be.

    Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

    Answer by feesharose at 5:59 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • I agree with the other posters that say you guys both need counseling. It's no more right for a woman to be physically abusive then it is for a man. His reaction wasn't acceptable - neither was yours. If you can't keep your cool with each other, how will you raise your kids without abusing them? You need to get help to end the violence from both of you. It's not healthy to let your anger control you like that. Either of you.

    Answer by Serafyna at 6:16 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

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