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how do you explain

how do you moms who have adopted explian to there child that they are adopted?
And what age? We have started from the very beggingn to use the word and are now explaining as he asks but if the bm is a friend to the family how do we procedd?
Thanks Carmen

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matthewjsmom

Asked by matthewjsmom at 10:19 PM on Jan. 4, 2009 in Adoption

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Well we don't have to explain yet, our baby is only 2 months old . But our situation is similiar, we are friends with the bm. She thinks its ok to wait til he's "old enough to understand"...we believe he should be told from the start (which is what we'll do). It won't be anything we will sit him down as a teen and be like "Well, you are adopted." No way. We ARE going to be the one to educate him on adoption and we've agreed that if he had questions directly when he was older , his birthmother will be the one to tell him. Only she can truly express why she felt she had to give him up, etc.
    babycakes254

    Answer by babycakes254 at 10:36 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • I am an adoptee, and there was never a time I didn't know. I honestly cannot remember being told. I do, however, still have my copy of "The Chosen Baby" by Valentina P. Wasson. It told the adoption story in a way a toddler could understand.

    The book is still in print. You can find it on Amazon. I don't know whether newer editions deal with birth mothers; that wasn't an issue back in 1963 when I was born. Birth mothers were out of the picture. And I actually never asked.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 10:47 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • How any parent explains an adoption. With love and with respect to the child and respect from their family of origin. It is even better if it is a family friend. Then you have more information to share, more history that you know as fact, and the added benefit that your child will be raised knowing this person. So it can work out really well if you want it to. Start from the time the child is brought home. Rock, snuggle, and tell the story of personal history. I think that is the most loving way to begin. The words will come. And they will change of time. Let them roll off your lips now while he is still a baby/toddler. That way with each telling you can change the words you didn't feel comfortable with previously. With practice it gets better. And then soon he will snuggle with you and tell his own story. You will see it can be possible and you can enjoy those times.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:55 PM on Jan. 4, 2009

  • My daughters are three and I sat down with one of them the other day and tried to explain that she was born from another woman. She didn't understand a word I said. I figure I'll just wait until she starts asking about babies.
    MommyAddie

    Answer by MommyAddie at 12:14 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I have told my daughter the story many times of her adoption. We got her a photo book made simply explaining everything out with pictures and very little words. But yet she isn't even 3 yet and she doesn't yet understand. I hope to make it to where she doesn't remember being "told" but just kind of has always known. I don't want to sit her down and have the talk, but just periodically bring it up and tell her the story until she starts to understand. We have an open adoption with BMom visits, so we are hoping that helps in her understanding because she'll actually have a person to picture instead of just "some lady."
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 8:28 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • Children really don't "understand" until later. Mostly. I have seen two years olds who have said, "I look like my birthmother" to strangers. Did he get it? You bet he did. Every child is different and they pick up on more than you give them credit for. Does my two year old understand when I will casually tell him about is birthmom in every day opportunities or when I say - wow you grew in ________'s tummy! I'm pretty sure no. But one day soon he will start to. But for now he is hearing the words. That is important. Just to have it be normal every day conversation is so important to me, my husband, my son, and his birthmother. And she calls. She is not just some other family member calling long distance - she gave birth to him! So one day he will make the connections. For me, my job is to start to pave that way in an age appropriate way.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:39 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • cont..Most children do not understand the concept of sex and biology until much much later - long after they know that a baby comes from a woman's tummy they don't get it. How did it get there? So in reality you can tell a child he grew in another woman's tummy but he or she may still not understand the biology. To that child he or she is still, as far as that child is concerned, is from you. It is not until they are about 8 - 12 typically that they can fully understand the complexities of adoption. Meaning that two people, a man and a woman, who do not live with him/her created him/her. That this man and this woman are out there some where and had to place them with another family. Imagine being the adoptee, sitting in class one day, and bam - you get it.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:43 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • cont..I could not encourage adoptive parents enough to be the ones who gentley guide and pave the way to make this easier. It is a road the adoptee has to travel and it is always full of its own hurdles. That doesn't mean we can't assist this child in the best we know how and at the earliest time possible. I worked with children in foster care and children who had been adopted - but from a therapeutic angle. Love and compassion can go a LONG way.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:46 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • Go to this link http:  http://www.marlourussellphd.com/772.html  and scroll down to the last article titled 'Talking with your Child about Adoption and Foster Care Issues" it's got some great tips.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 11:52 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I don't think I'd go into detail until they were 8 or 9, but I'd say, babies are born from seeds and eggs. The woman has the eggs, the man has the seeds. They put them together to make babies. Sometimes the woman and the man make a baby, and they give it to someone who really really REALLY wants to be a Mommy and a Daddy. The Mommy and Daddy get to pick the baby they want from the woman and the man. We wanted you to be our baby, and so we adopted you. Now we are a family! I wouldn't even call BM/BF a Mommy and Daddy. Too confusing! You and DH are the Mommy and Daddy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:03 PM on Jan. 5, 2009

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