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What to do about MIL?

Ok long story short my MIL HATES my guts. I haven't seen or spoken to her since before my first son was born in April 07. She wants nothing to do with me or "my" kids. she didnt even see my first son till last month when my husband took him to her house, and has bothered to care about my youngest. It seams like everytime my husband goes to her house he comes home with an almighty attitude and i am nothing but trash. Should I make him cut his ties with her since she wants nothing but to ruin our marraige and treat our kids like dirt. Or do simple sit back and let fate run its course? I mean it is his mother...

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tharris86

Asked by tharris86 at 5:37 AM on Jan. 5, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (14)
  • Unfortunately, if you suggest him cutting off his mom, you risk being the "bad guy," and he may resent you for it. But you can agree with him when he complains about her, and tell him you don't like seeing him in the foul mood he comes home in after he sees her/talks to her. Does he tell you what a bad person you are when he comes home? Tell him you won't put up with him saying these things to you. Point out the negative influence she is, and how she treats the kids, but let him come decide what to do about keeping her in his life. I just cut my dad out after he let his wife try to ruin my wedding, and it wasn't easy, even though the two of them are SO toxic in my life, and I don't miss the drama. Good luck!
    musicpisces

    Answer by musicpisces at 6:20 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • Tell your husband that you don't want him taking your kids over there, she doesn't deserve to see them and when he goes over to see her tell him if he needs to lose the attitude before he gets home or don't bother coming home.
    sammiesmom2000

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 6:28 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I understand exactly how you feel. IT is hard dealing with some ppl. I also went through the her kids faze. It is so horrible that some ppl just can't love and spoil there gkids they way it should be. But that being said, you can't make your husband cut ties with her, that is still his mom. And what would you do if he told you, you could never see your mom? So that isn't fair. But you are doing the right thing just let him go over there when he wants and leave you out of it. If he comes back with the attitude like you say, when he starts I would say something like, I know your mom disrespects me, but you are not going to you are my dh so I don't want to hear it from you. Or whatever will snap him back to reality. He prob has to listen to hear fuss the whole time he is there and prob will need a few mins to adjust and get over all of it. So give him a few mins. Hope things get better for you soon.
    lovinmomto3

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 6:34 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • You cant ask him not to talk to his mother. Thats his mom. Now what you can do is sit down with him and make a list of things that bother you and what you expect and dont expect from the marriage. If he is treating you badly any time, including when he sees his mom you write that down. You confront him in a very business/non attitude way and tell him this is what I have an issue with, this is what I would like to see changed and why. It gives him the chance to correct that attitude that maybe he doesnt 100% realize he might have. After that if he doesnt respect you then you move onto other things. Cutting him off from his family isnt the answer. Maybe make rules like until she respects me she isnt allowed here or to see MY kids etc.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:01 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • There is NO reason to have someone in your loved ones lives that would talk trash about you, you need to cut ties this isn't healthy and THERE'S NO WAY I'd ever allow her to put negative thoughts into my husbands head or my childrens heads either. That woman will get hers for sure. I just think your husband should know better, and mother or not..out of respect for you, and out of protection for his kids he shouldn't be going near her, not unless she apologizes and changes her way's~~~ Please don't let this go on any longer, it'll poison them against you!!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:21 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I agree that telling him he can't see his Mom would be a bad idea. He and his Mom share genes, he is part of her. There is a bond there. Sometimes MIL's just can't be changed, so we learn to get along as well as we can, even if it means putting up with a lot (an exception to this rule of patience would be the children being endangered, but that's not the issue here). If you and your husband sit down during a quiet time and discuss the issue, make it not that you are laying down the law. He has rights, too. Discuss not only what bothers you but what bothers him. Keep calm. Have an earnest desire to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
    Bmat

    Answer by Bmat at 7:22 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I no longer speak to my mother (5+ years now, I'm an only child, our children her only grandchildren). When I was going through the process of cutting ties with her, my husband NEVER told me I COULDN'T ever make up with her, or that I couldn't ever see her again, if I had a change of heart (not likely), but when it came to our children HE did have a say in whether he thought it would be prudent for them to have contact with her--which I thought was fair. I think it is TOTALLY within your rights as the mother, to keep your children from your MIL's negative influence--she has after all not made much of an effort to see your children since they were born--so they must not mean anything to her--except maybe to cause a rift between you and your husband or as a pawn in some stupid issue she has with you! Your MIL sounds bitter, lonely, and manipulative--definitely NOT qualities that are very becoming of a GRANDMOTHER!
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:46 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I wouldn't insist that he cut ties. He would resent you for it. And unless she's being mean to the kid/s I wouldn't keep them from her either because they will find out soon enough what kind of person she is on their own. I would tell him that his attitude isn't too great when he comes back from there, but it's possible it's because he resents that you two can't get along and he wants his family to all be able to be happy.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 8:55 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • I would not tell him he can't cut ties, that will only give her more "fuel for her fire" to use against you, as well as make him resent you. I would let him know that you he can see his mom as often as he wants, but the kids are not allowed contact with her. If he makes a fuss about that -tell him "your mom treats me like crap, she is talking crap to you (about me), and when you come home from her house you have an attitude that is hurtful to me. Our children do not need to be exposed to that". I hope things work out for you - good luck!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 9:50 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

  • Don't give your husband any kind of ultimatum because they typically backfire. However make him aware of his attitude and the way he treats you when he visits his mother will not be tolerated by you. If his mother doesn't care enough to see her own grandchildren on her own then they don't need to be around her especially if your husbands visit with her involve speaking badly about you in front of your children. I have been where you are and it ain't easy by no means.
    Angie32Red

    Answer by Angie32Red at 10:09 AM on Jan. 5, 2009

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