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Step mom vs. Birth mom

I notice a lot of you saying things like "that's not her place, she has no right, that's up to you and your ex to decide..."

I personally think it's a load of crap! I am a full time, have custody of my step child and biological children, make all my descisions with my current husband concerning our children, wife and mother!

I believe parents who divorce should try to get along but everyday things like haircuts, clothes and daily activities should not be "run by" the person you are no longer with. If you're not with them anymore my guess is it is because you didn't agree with them on some things... couldn't agree then don't expect to agree now.

The BM in my situation tries to pull this attitude with us... she can't stand that we're an "us" and tries to tell my husband that they need to make descions together concerning their child and he has flat out told her "I have nothing to discuss with you, I'll make a desicion with my wife and get back to you." Or " You do what you want when she with you and we'll handle it our way when she's at home."

Bottom line people are going to do what they are going to do... you can't control what goes on in the other parents home... so I feel I have every right, the power and say so when it comes to my step child...



Asked by mrs.cta1217 at 4:38 PM on Oct. 16, 2011 in Parenting Debate

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This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • You don't want your step and bio children to see the three of you fighting. It's best for them if you can at all possibly work things out and meet each other halfway without screaming and argueing (not saying that you do)

    Answer by shanapiv at 2:53 AM on Oct. 17, 2011

  • I'm gonna go duck behind a couch before furniture starts flying on this one...
    I say this as a custodial SM...The kids have a mom, if she's involved in some reasonable way SM doesn't trump mom. (I personally have a crazy only sporadically involved drama provoking BM situation). The smaller day to day decisions in my house I make. Larger decisions I let DH and BM duke it out and protect the kids from the emotional and verbal shrapnel that then flies, it actually has brought me closer to them when they don't see me in the fight, they run to me for cover, less stresssful for me too. Keeps me out of trouble too so to speak, BM can't be pissy at me, DH is making the decisions, I'm just backing him...

    Answer by newstepmom61811 at 4:52 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • Sounds like you will do just fine with your tolerant and flexible attitude. LOL


    Answer by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • Where's the down vote for questions?

    Anyway that being said, since your DH (not you) has custody then yes, day to day decisions do not need to be addressed with the mother. However, in most of the situations described in the former questions, the mother is the one with full custody & the child(ren) are only with their father & his new wife on the weekends. In those instances, then YES, the step mom has over-stepped her boundaries.  


    Answer by 3libras at 4:57 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • For the most part, since you have custody of your stepchild, I feel that you have more rights to make decisions concerning them when it comes to everyday situations. However, when it comes to big things (cars, dating, going off to visit out of state colleges overnight, etc.) then the biological mom should be called in and her opinion should count just as much as anyone else's. As long as she is involved in the child's life and everything.
    I am a stepmom and when the children are with us, my husband and I make joint decisions when it concerns them. And when they are not with us and their mom asks his opinion, he discusses with me and wants my input, but he also knows that I know they are not mine and the final decision does not lie with me.

    Answer by QueenMomma2023 at 4:48 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • Step parents come and go. Bio parents are forever. Bio parents win.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 7:15 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • In my situation the BM is a real BM... she is currently in the child's life but only to try to make our life & hers miserable. She's just throwing her weight around while she can... she was gone a number of years (doing pornography for a living I might add) & we are in the process of getting her legal rights revoked & visition suspended because of how she is with the abuse & damage she is doing to our daughter. I am sure we are an exception to the step parent/parent situations but I still strongly believe you are no longer raising your children with your former spouse.

    The current marriage is first & foremost priority IMO... even before the children & especially before the former relationship. The current marriage is where descions are made. I think if more people felt this way, they would fight harder to keep their marriages together in the first place or at least make wiser choices about who they hook up & have kids with.

    Comment by mrs.cta1217 (original poster) at 6:52 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • I feel like if I was talking about a deadbeat dad people might feel differently! Have any of you ever heard the term sperm donor? Well I think that what this BM is... an egg donor! *Thank you very much for my beautiful daughter, there's the door, have a nice life!*

    I don't think for one second that just because you pushed a child through your vagina that means you are the all knowing woman who should be revered at a higher level than a woman who is doing the same job as you & doing it better in some cases. Birth parents can come & go too it's called being selfish, divorce & not really being a decent parent to begin with.

    I'm just saying genetic material doesn't automatically make you a good parent, and if you helped mess up your relationship enough to allow step parents into the picture then be prepared to have to share important descions with non biological parents -because they are still parents!

    Comment by mrs.cta1217 (original poster) at 7:52 PM on Oct. 16, 2011

  • In the case of a deadbeat parent, it's different. Been there too and no matter what genes that girl has, by definition, I was her mother. But when Bio mom WAS in the picture, I deferred all decisions to her and bio dad.

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 8:55 PM on Oct. 16, 2011