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? for birth moms

ok before anyone get ther panites in a twist i am not bashing im just simply trying to understand... i do not see how a mother can put her child up for adoption... im not being mean and saying it is bad to do.. its a very loving thing to do i just know that i could never do it... it must really hard to give up your child after 9 months of bonding

actually i comend moms who give the gift of life to another to another family knwing they can do it on there owjn.. it must be an incredibly hard and unslefish decision

i guess what i am asking is this:
for those of you who put a child up or know someone who has.. why did you do it was it hard and did having it open make it any easier

i was reading some ?S and sterted thinking about this


Asked by JrsMommy07 at 12:25 PM on Jan. 6, 2009 in Adoption

Level 10 (419 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • I'm all for honesty in answering! I relinquished my firstborn 18 years ago. I was 18 myself, and the father and I weren't going to get married just because of an unplanned pregnancy. I grew up as an adoptee who had both a positive upbringing and had seen the postitive side of adoption in forming a family unit. The counseling I received did include a short survey on having me come up with the pros and cons of parenting vs. adoption but at 18 parenting certainly seemed much scarier than relinqishing. I didn't allow myself (or others) to think through parenting once I had set my sights on adoption as a solution. That is my biggeset regret - but it is MY regret, I do not blame any other individual for my lack of belief in myself.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:37 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • Here is my answer. I will be very honest. I was 17, knew the guy for about a month, didn't live at home, was smoking a lot of pot, and doing acid, couldn't take care of myself, didn't want to be a mother, didn't want any responsabilities, and couldn't even accept the fact I was pregnant till I was 4 months along.

    That was 15 years ago. He is now an honor roll student at a prestigious prep school. He could have never been able to achieve anything if I were to have raised him.

    It wasn't easy to give him up, but it wasn't hard either. I did what was right for both of us.

    I myself now have 4 boys of my own, married 7 years, am a successful business owner, have grown up and had fun doing it.

    Answer by my4lads at 1:00 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • I was 15 and thought I was in love with the guy I had been seeing for 10 months. I got pregnant the first time I had sex. He was a really great guy, until I really starting thinking about things. He was very controlling, didn't want to take me to doctor's appointments, or go to the Lamaze classes with me. More than once I had to cancel appointments because he just wouldn't go. Near the 5th month, I started talking to him about adoption. He said that he was going to fight me for custody and leave the baby with some friends of ours while he was stationed in California or where ever he was as he was joining the Marines, baby or not. The friends decided they couldn't do that, and he completely turned on them. CONT

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 1:19 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • Cont from above

    So after that, he was more interested. Those friend's parents helped with the pregnancy resource center here in town and they talked to me about adoption. I was thinking about the way my bf treated me and I wondered if he thought he could treat a supposed equal that way, what was he going to do to a child? I was scared more that he would be able to get custody than anything else. I think that if I had met my husband about 18 months sooner, I would still have my bio son. The parents of the friends introduced us to a couple they knew through church that had adopted a child previously just to talk about the experience. I decided while I was in labor that they were going to adopt my child, since they were interested in adopting again. CONT

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 1:23 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • cont from above.

    It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I also think it was the smartest thing I have ever done. I still can have as much contact as I want, I get letters and pictures frequently. Me, my husband, and my children and my bio son and his adoptive family all live in the same relatively small town so we see each other while running errands and it isn't awkward. He knows who I am and has no questions that go unanswered.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 1:26 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • I placed my birthson for adoption 8 years ago.

    Why? THe short answer is that I felt I was not in the place in my life to provide him the kind of life he deserved.

    Was it hard? The hardest thing I have ever done and most likely will ever do. I loved him more then anything in the world. When he was born I realized what true love really was. But it wasn't about me and what he did for me at that point. It was about him.

    Was it easier because of openness? It's hard to say since mine has never been closed. I am guessing it has been easier. But what I think has made it easier really is that I have a very wonderful situation with his parents. I also did not feel pressured in anyway to place him and am, and always have been, very confident and content with my choice. I think that makes it easier.

    Answer by VanessaV at 1:30 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • Was it hard? YES!!!! Not so much choosing adoption but really understanding what the effect of being separate from the child you birthed and loved is not emphasized adequately during the decision making process - and really cannot be by someone who hasn't lived with it themselves. The pain of abscence (even if it WAS your choice) can be actue for many of us - even if we have healthy and enriching relationships with the adoptive parents and our children. It is still a loss that we live with every day. Does it mean that we are completely dysfunctional? No - very few of us are hindered to this degree. Does it mean that we are all completely against all adoptions? No - many of us realize that there are instances where it is not in the best interest of children to be raised by their birth parents. Also, there are instances where children are truly without their biological parents due to accident, disease, etc.


    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:42 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • Did having it open make it easier? Well......yes and no. I've been in full reunion with my daughter since she was 7 years old (at her request, the adoptive parents and I discontinued utilizing the agency as the middle man). I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of her life and for her to have access to me for the questions that really are mine to answer. It isn't fair for the adoptive parents to have to answer why she didn't grow up with me or her younger brothers - that was decision. It's hard for both her adoptive parents and me at times because even with all the love we have for one another there are hurts that being relinquished can bring. We can't undo how our families were formed (I was adopted too) but sometimes it still hurts that there has been separation (even if we are reunited). Hope this helps!!

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:46 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • I was 14 and raped by my mothers "dealer" a 40 something crack addittic. I tried to keep him He was with me for the first 2 months but with the "things" going on in my home it wasnt safe for him. the school i was in suggested I do this. when i turned 15 i left home and havent been back since. He just turned 12 a few weeks ago. Is it hard? I cry when i see his photo(i took a lot when i had him) i cry on his birthday and i cry when people ask who's name is on my arm. Its a closed adoption He lives in FL. and I'm in VA

    Answer by sharonrosen3 at 11:12 PM on Jan. 6, 2009

  • Of course it was hard... THE hardest thing ever in my life. I did what I thought was the best thing to do at the time. Anybody who can just flippantly give their child up & walk away & it never bothers them at all probably wasnt the best person to raise that child anyway. I could never just walk away from my children & never think about it again. Not possible. Its with me everyday. Do I just sit & cry about it? No, of course not. Do I "blame" anyone? Sure, myself...for not believing enough in myself that I could be a good enough parent to her.  I HAD a semi open adoption (where I received pics/letters) That has all but ceased for reasons unknown to me. It did help me to know how she was (when I was allowed that priviledge) but it was taken from me without reason.


    Answer by lisa89j at 3:03 PM on Jan. 7, 2009