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4 Bumps

Bio moms with kids with step moms...

I know this may be inflammatory but I think that women that have split with the fathers of their children may need to realize that if daddy has visitation or custody there is a gap in his household. Why is it so terrible for a step mother to step in and fill that gap? If she's good to them, if the relationship is healthy, why do you get so defensive? She can't take away who you are to them, you determine your role in their lives! Why Why can't she be a mother to them as well? There's only room for one? Is that for you or for your kids? Honestly. I know it's really really hard, I do, but how is it good for the kids to make damn sure she knows she's not the "real" mom? How does that conflict benefit the children? SERIOUSLY!


Asked by Anonymous at 1:07 PM on Oct. 27, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (42)
  • SMs will always be the people everyone craps on but expect everything from. SMs get a bum deal.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:49 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • First, can I say that I find the term "bio mom" offensive. I am a mother, period. Bio Mom sounds like a woman who gave up her children for adoption. I would never do such a thing. I care for my children 90% of the time.

    My ex is not remarried yet but, he's always shoving his GF on my girls. She is there every weekend he has them. It's ridiculous because I feel that my ex should prioritize his own children enough to spend one on one time with them & to see his GF on the weekends he doesn't have his children.

    To answer your question: I think most moms (not bio moms) get upset because they want their children's father to care for them & spend time with them. Not, his new wife or GF.

    Answer by 3libras at 1:21 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • Yes, there is only room for one mommy. But there is lots of extra rooms for aunts and stepmoms.

    Answer by Candi1024 at 1:39 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • well 3libras makes a point most moms want their kids to spend time alone with their dad. if his gf is there once in awhile ok fine but i don't think they should need to be there all the time, also if their married ok fine but alot of times someone either dad or step mom try to impose that their step parent is their MOM, and that's where most of the problem lies. if you all can get along great! but more times then not it doesn't happen. in my case my exs gf trys to take my place with dd and even tells dd's dad if hes made a stupid rule and they both totally disrespect me when my dd is over there. they've crossed boundaries that shouldn't be crossed dd is 3 and has come home callin me a fucking bastard and more she tells me who's said it and ext.. is most of the drama unnecessary yes but its not always the "bio" moms fault.


    Answer by rachel216 at 1:37 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • And 3libras is right Biomom is quite offensive. Step mom is not, because you married into a ready made family thus stepped in, and are a step parent. That is the term. We are their mothers. Yes biologically, but also their ONLY mothers. No one can replace us. Not ever.

    Answer by gemgem at 1:58 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • I believe kids have one mom, one dad, and step parents are just other adults who love and care for the child as an extension of their love for the bio parent (mom or dad). I think there have to be clear and concise rules so no one oversteps their boundaries. For instance no step mom I have had to deal with (1st ex is on #3) is allowed to spank my children because I do not believe in it. If dad is not home, I get first right of refusal which means he is to call me and I take the kids back until he gets home because they are MY children so I should have that right to be with them in those times.
    Being a step parent is hard work. My dh is a step dad so I know. But we work hard not to overstep. I deal with my ex's, me alone. He does not interact with them. Not even at drop offs, school functions etc. So to me as long as you are not overstepping I would not see an issue

    Answer by gemgem at 1:55 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • Demonizing the other household is terrible and a separate issue. I'm not saying it's always one parent's fault... but why is it so terrible for your kids to have a second maternal figure? They have a separate home. Don't you want them to be loved, supported, and respected by their step mother? Cared for as a child. No one can replace you, unless you decide to stop being a mother to your children yourself. I dunno guys I think foolish pride causes most of the competitive issues and all of the crap that ultimately hurts everyone's relationships and personal growth.
    So my ex's wife has to be their MOM in order to care for them? Don't you love your niece's and nephew's? You are not their mom, it is possible to love and care for a child without being their mom. And having a separate home is not the same as having a separate mom, you only get one mom in you life but in your life, you will have many homes

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:22 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • JackieGirl, I am over my ex, I am married with 2 children with my new DH, that doesn't change the fact that I am my kid's on and only mom. Their SM can be in their lives, she can be an important person in their lives but she is not their mom nor is she equal to me as their mom

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • we all should be able to get along and be a strong unit for the kids sadly 90% of the time this dosent happen for one reason or another, and yes just bc you have children doesnt make you a mom

    Answer by rachel216 at 1:40 PM on Oct. 27, 2011

  • I am a MOM, not a bio mom, a bio mom implies that all I did is give birth. Asking why there is room for only one MOM is like asking why only one person can be pregnant with the child, that's just the way it is, I am mom and I will not "move over" or "make room" for my ex's new spouse. Personally, I feel that if my ex can't take care of our children during his time they need to come home, there is no reason why step mom should be raising them when I am there and capable (and yes, I would happily extent that curtsey to my ex as well. The fact that I am not with the father of my children does not make me any less of a mother, nor does it give another woman the right to call herself a mother to my children. Just because someone is not a horrible and abusive step parent, that doesn't put them on equal status with the parent. My DH does a lot for my kids (much more then my ex does even) but he doesn't pretend he is their dad CONT

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:07 PM on Oct. 27, 2011