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4 Bumps

My husband is not affectionate and it makes me feel like crap.

My husband and I never had a formal wedding. We were young and couldnt afford it. Ever since we got married almost two years ago I have had a hard time feeling like he is my husband because he never touches me unless we are having sex. He wont hold my hand, cuddle, me, put his arm around me, kiss me, let me lean on him..any contact.He wont even cuddle after sex! He gets up and goes to watch TV in the living room even though he could flip on the bedroom TV and stay with me.

He always makes the same excuses. He says either that he is too hot, that his eczema is itching, or that he just isnt that kind of guy. I am baffled. I am so in love with him and want some intimacy but when I talk to him about my needs he thinks I am being unreasonible.

Are you going through something similar? What would you do in my situation?

Answer Question
 
amber710

Asked by amber710 at 12:04 AM on Oct. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Level 18 (4,826 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • how about making him wait and getting all that before? he'd probably fall asleep by your side later when late.
    kujus04

    Answer by kujus04 at 12:10 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • Personally, I would question my marriage and seek immediate counselling. It sounds like your husband is in denial of your connection/relationship.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:12 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • I agree 100% with anonymous. To have an aversion to being touched by your wife is not normal. You deserve (need) that connection. Insist he sees a counselor with you.
    happymama110

    Answer by happymama110 at 12:16 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • Was he like this before you got married? Some people are really not touchy feely people, that is just the way they are. Some with desire and work can overcome it to some extent, some can not. In the summer I can understand being hot after sex, however it doesn't take much to flip on a fan or just sit up for a few minutes. It seems inconsiderate if you have asked him to be in the same room with you after sex, to just get up and leave.
    I feel you may want to seek counseling with or without him. And I would definitely try to talk to him.
    Dardenella

    Answer by Dardenella at 12:21 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • I am sorry.
    I would call a spade a spade. Let him know that his unloving behavior is unreasonable and if he wants to keep you, there will have to be a change, or you will have to consider wether you can keep going on like this. Do not be afraid to talk to him openly. Let him know exactly what you need, how his coldness makes you feel etc. I feel sad that he doesn't or won't allow himself to love. It is an unnormal and somewhat disturbing thing. Life is short. If he can't step up to the plate, you may need to consider other options. Start slow and see what happens. Good Luck. !!
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 12:34 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • DH and I recently, like a day ago, had that argument. My point was that the romance and affection was my foreplay and if he showed me more affection, I'd probably jump all over him every night. I told him I felt like we were roommates that had sex from time to time. When he heard the part about me being turned on by simple affection and romance he started straightening up!
    momdays

    Answer by momdays at 1:06 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • I would tell him straight up how you feel. Let him know if things don't change on his end then you will stop having sex with him. I would also talking to an outside party about this... maybe a therapist. Maybe something happened to him when he was a child or he is getting his fill of touching outside your marriage and just having sex with you?
    bcauseimthemom

    Answer by bcauseimthemom at 1:48 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • Well I was kind of like your husband. I was going through a really depressing time in my life and I just didn't want to be touched or touch my SO. I just needed me time for a while. You should ask if anything is wrong with him. If he isn't feeling depressed an if nothing is wrong you should really talk about your relationship. Those actions are very unhealthy in a relationship
    Bertha21

    Answer by Bertha21 at 2:29 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • It just ain't gonna happen. My husband is the same way. He doesn't touch me unless we're having sex. It is ok. That is just how we are. I know he loves me.
    Verrine

    Answer by Verrine at 7:58 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

  • You can't change who he is and his flaws or characteristics, you have to take him as he is and make the best of it, or find someone else. I understand where you are coming from, mine is the exact opposite, he is extremely affectionate, and will compliment me regularly, he boosts my ego and my love for him. I am sure he was like this before you got married,you over looked this then and now it won't change.......you got to love him unconditionally, and if you want affection YOU give it to him, if he rejects your advances, then there is a problem. By the way I have been married 39 years going on 40 in March, and he is still the mushy affectionate guy I married him, even more so.........
    older

    Answer by older at 9:51 AM on Oct. 29, 2011

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