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What should I do with my mom?

I am 46 yr old and have 3 sons, ages 15,13 + 10, been married for 18 yr and workd for Hospice for 10 yr. I consider myself a stable, strong woman. But, when I deal with my mom, I feel like I am 10 yr old. She is controlling + manipulative, using guilt to try to get her way. Her main concern is what other people think of her, her kids + her grandkids. I know she will never change. When I deal with her, she alway knows what buttons to push to upset me. Most of the time, I feel angry, guilty + not good enough after I talk to her. I begin to doubt myself +wonder if I am raising my kids all wrong. I do not know what to do to prevent this, besides not talking to her. But, that's not what I really want. I want to be free of her hold on me + not let her ruin 1 more day in my life. Yesterdaay, after I talked to her, I cried all day. It was ridiculous. PLEASE HELP!

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georgia955

Asked by georgia955 at 2:20 PM on Jul. 16, 2008 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Oh what do you do? people get stuck in their ways and then its hard to stop or change them when their habits get obsessive. there is realy only talking about it.. tell her things have changed and no one should tell a mother how to raise her children if she has no issues. Your children are healthy? she should stay out of it. she would not like it if someone did the same to her so she should Back Down. if simple talking gets you nowhere explain that what ever she thinks is her business and you may love her but being an adult you Will make your own choices. It's not to hurt her it's just Being a human being. No one else matters when it comes to living and taking care of whats yours. Be proud of yourself and the fact that you don't/won't back down.
    MoMoFu

    Answer by MoMoFu at 2:28 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • wow...that must be hard to deal with, especially since you are a grown women!! My mother in law is like that! Honestly, I just try not to listen to her. Well when she is saying judgmental things or really anything that has to do with my parenting. Try not to take anything to heart. Just know that you are doing the best for you and your family and you know that.
    MommyMel03

    Answer by MommyMel03 at 2:28 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • Have you ever sat down to talk to your mom about what you just wrote? If talking don't work, how about writing her a letter. Let her know how unhappy she is making you by her actions. You need to not let it bother you. Your a grown woman, you know your a good mom and you do you best at life... don't let her get to you. Good Luck hun.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:30 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • You could maybe talk to her about how you feel.She probably feels not good enough too.If that doesn't work, just don't bring up certain subjects with her.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 2:45 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • Sometimes if we old moms face reality, that you are independent adults, then we fear we're not needed or valued anymore. I'm sorry your mom makes you feel the way she does. I had to stop so my kids could grow as individuals. Get her attention (hard to do sometimes to a controlling person) and tell her point blank that you are an adult. you like you. You like how you are rearing your children. She had her chance and she has to put faith in the fact that she did a good job with you. Tell her you love her but she makes you feel like crap and that has to stop. It lowers your self esteem and you have to protect yourself from that. In the book, The Four Agreements one agreement is to never take anything personally. Your mom has issues but they are HER issues. She's making them your issues. Refuse to accept them from now on. If she starts her crap, tell her you love her but if she doesn't stop you will leave and leave or hang up if she doesn't listen. She'll get the picture.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 2:52 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • I'd start to see her just a bit less. Don't let her do this to you. You are doing well, I'm sure and it is not up to her to control your life.
    My mom isn't quite like yours, but let's say I've lessend my contact because of things she's done to me. She never told my father I was born. She lied about my father for years, and now that I've met him she doesn't like it. Oh well. I'm my own woman. I told her straight out I won't put up with her crap. I've stopped sharing things about my dad because she can't handle it.

    I can say I don't like her all the time. I love her, but we are very different. I don't live for her and that is ok. Can you try to think in terms of what you want and expect. I think you need a little space from her. Moms are hard at this point in our lives for some women. I know it is hard, but don't give her all that power.
    Teachermom01

    Answer by Teachermom01 at 2:59 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • Honestly, it seems the only way around this, because it sounds like even if you do talk to her she won't change and will probably get even madder, is for you to stop talking to her. Stop bringing your kids to visit her, don't even answer the phone when she calls. Give it a month. After that month call her and tell why you've been ignoring her. Tell her that you want her to be a part of your life and your son's lives but not the way she has been acting and you will not speak to her if she continues in the way she's been acting.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 3:01 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • Are we twins? It seems we have the same mother. Infact I'm 46 as well. All I do is tell you how I handle it. I tell her in the kindest voice I can muster "Mom what is important to you is not necessarily important to me. I love you. Lets agree to disagree" Sometimes she gets pissy and sometimes not. When she gets ugly I just don't talk to her. When sh'es had enough cold shoulder she calls me again. It has taking me years to realize she is never going to say the words I need her too. That leaves me two choices. Sit around and be upset and bitter about it..or accept her for who she is and move on. Being upset and bitter only eats you up. If you don't feel like you can talk to her write it down. Do NOT accuse her. Start sentences with I feel XXXX when XXX happens. I hope you find your way through this
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 4:36 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • if your kids not disrespecting noone ,not gangbanging ,running in the streets allthe type of night doing good in school ,listing to grown people then forget what moms has to say no disrespect to mom but mom gone be mom dont let noone tellu nothing about ur kids longs as u know ur raising them right forget what others think theres ur kids and dont noone have to raise them but u,as ur mother stop letting her bring u down,pray to the lord to give u strength and u willovercome them believe me ,i have had problems like that with my family not my mom but aunts and cousins i cried to but at the end they needed me i prayed and look what ive overcome i just call them haters and i keep my head up dont listen to nothing negative,when ur momma call u about something negative say mom no disrespect but i dont need to hear all that negative stuff ur on positive things.
    meka2234

    Answer by meka2234 at 6:20 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

  • I had a somewhat simular relationship with my mom. What I do is I tell her very little personal information. I keep the converstation superficial. We talk about the weather, flowers, hair, etc. That really helped me. Sure I would like to have a great mother daughter relationship but how she is and what she has done will never change.
    mommakline

    Answer by mommakline at 6:37 PM on Jul. 16, 2008

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