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Am I obligated to have sex w/ him even when I don't want to?

We've been together 10 years and have 4 children. The last 2 weren't planned, but the last one took a serious toll on me. I don't believe in abortion, but they kept telling me I was too young to get my tubes tied at first. Now it's just a matter of waiting a few more weeks until my appointment to get an IUD. He's horny and frustrated and making me feel like I'm a bad woman because it's my job to satisfy him sexually. I'm allergic to latex, so condoms are out. I'm turned off by the very thought of sex, because I'm EXTREMELY turned off by the thought of another unexpected baby. At the same time I don't want him to think of going elsewhere for what he needs...Any suggestions?


Asked by Anonymous at 5:10 AM on Jan. 7, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (18)
  • I don't think the woman meant that the hubby works and his wife should pay him back by having sex. I've never said no to my hubby without medical reasons and it's not because I owe it to him, it's because I just feel it's the right thing to do. He doesn't ask me for much and before it's over I very very very seldom don't enjoy it. For most of us, it's not a "job" but it beats the alternative and for those of you that say if he cheats because you said no, you're full of it, any person not just men has needs that have to be met and masturbation isn't always the answer because there's no emotion in that and everyone needs to feel loved both emotionally as well as physically. Just do it manual if you want to please him and he'll be happy because it's you doing it FOR him.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 8:15 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • Check out Lifestyles SKYN condoms. They're non-latex condoms.

    Answer by Chrissy629 at 5:53 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • You do not have to have sex with anyone you don't want to. But I am just wondering if you have talked to him. Tell him how you feel. You know if you are feeling bad b/c you don't want to have sex, or want to satisfy him, but yet not have sex. There are plenty of ways to do that w/o having intercourse. There is oral, or using your hands or whatever. I understand about not wanting another baby. Some are just done and dont' want another. That is fine and I am sure the best decision for your family if you made it. But you can still please your hubby and not have sex at the same time. You can also call and ask to get your appt. moved up to as soon as possible. Hope that helps.

    Answer by lovinmomto3 at 5:56 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • No you are not obligated to have sex with him, he should be more understanding and if he loves you he will not cheat on you. If you don't want anymore kids I would find a new doctor so you can get your tubes tied, age has nothing to do with it.

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 6:40 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • I'd also find a new man who respects you. That is not acceptable at all. If you don't want to for ANY reason, then you don't have to. Enough said. Manipulation is not fair and you have good reasons. Sex isn't just about the man.


    Answer by Teachermom01 at 6:49 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • Lots of ways to have it your way and his like lovinmommyto3 said. Don't listen to the ones that say "if he doesn't understand, then find another man". That's BS, and are husbands are disposable just because they're selfish. I'd use oral or manual and be done with it because condoms can tear or come off and no offense but you're obiously very fertile so I wouldn't take the chance. I don't know much about IUD's at all, but why not get fixed instead? Read all of the information on your options. If you're not comfortable "helping" him orally or manually then maybe you could work him up so that he can finish it himself? After 4 kids, it's shocking to me that HE would want to take the chance either but then again they don't go thru the whole pregnancy/delivery thing or having to do primary care for them.

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 7:19 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • Well my opinion is somewhat different...... Are you obligated to have sex with him whenever he mentions it no of corse not but...... do you have an obligation to sleep with your husband ??YES I think least give the poor guy some once a week at the bare minimum!! All these women on here would have a shit fit if your husband just decided it wasnt his obligation to finacialy take care of you right?? ok..... well his obligation is to go to work everyday and take care of things that way I dont think its to much of him to ask to have sex with his wife!! There are non latex condoms!! look into and IUD or a Vasectomy for him!! I understand that you dont want to have another baby but there are things you can do to prevent it and you cant hide behind that forever just cause you think you shouldnt have to give your husband something a wife should!

    Answer by scaredmommy08 at 7:30 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • Suggest he make an appointment to have a vasectomy. I believe you will be concerned about unwanted pregnancy even if you have an IUD and that will always be in the back of your mind. I understand where you are at. I was very resentful of a husband who refused to have a vasectomy when we were done with children. I unfortunately, had to have a hysterectomy and that "solved" "our" problems. I had to forgive him for being selfish. It's a difficult situation and when push comes to shove, I have to admit I am in a relationship with a selfish man who has been good in so many ways. It's a bigger issue than birth control...too long to address here. That's me though. Your situation may be different. Technical ways of satisfying him you all ready know. I feel for ya.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:53 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • This hit a nerve for me! I don't expect men to have vasectomies if they don't want to. I do expect they do their part if they are wanting sex and getting pregnant is an issue for their wives. You don't owe him sex for going out and working! That isn't an even trade. Sex is a mutual thing. Keep the house and care for the children to do your part in that kind of relationship! Sex for financial support? There's a name for that! I do think there is more going on here than birth control. It is about your SO getting what he wants without being responsible for attending to your emotional needs. I strongly recommend counseling for you to free yourself up from the guilt and shame you are feeling for being a normal woman with the experience of having four children.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:01 AM on Jan. 7, 2009

  • It is your body and you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Someone mentioned the SKYN condoms, I have a sensitivity to latex and these were a great alternative for my hubby and I. Try talking to him, maybe he can understand, but you are not obligated to do anything you don't want to. As far as other alternatives to pleasing him,it is hard to do those things if you are not turned on and in to it, it's not your job to please him when ever he wants, but it is the responsibility of a partner to respect and support your decisions.Hope this helps and best of luck!

    Answer by My2BoyznMe0508 at 8:13 AM on Jan. 7, 2009