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please help..

i have a 11year old son by another man. me and my husband have been married 4 years. my son and him are awalys fighting.  my son will not mind talks back says i hate you.. stuff like that. says he going to tell the school he hits him stuff like that. my husband is at the end of his rope. please give me some adviceon how to handle this.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:50 AM on Jan. 8, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (13)
  • Why is he permitted to speak in that manner to any adult in the first place? That little man needs a stern talking to. Unbelievable!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:53 AM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • from past exp not getting along w-my step dad, it got to te point where we stayed away from each other. I know he's your husband but he's not the kids father and that's the way he is viewing it. It may be hard but I would suggest keeping them apart, such as you handle all the discipline issues and such. My step dad and I didn't start getting along until way after I moved out of the house, I absolutely hated the man when I was a teen but now I have respect for him. He put up w-a lot of crap from us kids, but he got to the point where he quit trying to make us mind and left it to my mom.
    SMWOODS

    Answer by SMWOODS at 10:54 AM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Wow!! So sorry you're going through his mama.
    Have you tried talking to them & getting to the bottom of the problem? Sit them both down at the same and at separate times & try to find out what is REALLY bothering each one. Explain to them that they are putting you in the middle & it makes you feel sad.
    I hope things work out for you!
    bduckett0723

    Answer by bduckett0723 at 10:54 AM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Anon 10 53 - theres obviously a reason he believes he needs to act this way! The mom is asking for our help, not to be bashed.
    bduckett0723

    Answer by bduckett0723 at 11:11 AM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • They may need some outside help. Professional yes and also just some common sense help. There is obviously a lot of anger and behind that hurt that your son is experiencing. While you may have been ready to move forward and expand your family with a new husband - he may not have been. So the first thing to do is have a good night out with your husband and agree your child is not a bad kid but a child who is hurt, lost, anxious, confused and it comes out as anger. I would also then have a meeting with the school to let them know what is going on, briefly they don't need to know EVERY detail of your home. I would let them know that you would appreciate their support in that if they have concerns to please let you know. cont..

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:06 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • cont... So if the school or anyone else calls social services - embrace that. It is a time to get help for him. If they find that this young person is making it up out of anger they usually will suggest some professionals to see. Seeking out professionals is also a good idea for family therapy, indvidual therapy for him, and therapy for just you and him. But a good family therapist will help you decide what is best for your situation. It takes time for changes. It will take him time to see that you are making an effort to change. And that is part of the key. He is the child. He needs to see both the adults are trying. Also have you and him spend some serious quality mom and son time together. Date him. And then have your husband spend some serious one on one quality time with him. cont...
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:10 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • cont...Do fun things with him that he is interested in. That is the start. A good professional will help with techniques that will assist the both of you in how to respond to his hurtful outbursts. But you and your husband really must be on the same page about your son being a good kid - but a hurt kid. That has to be the starting point.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 12:11 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • I believe that it's nothing u r doing wrong and ur husband, but it's something deep in side ur son that he needs to talk about, most kids go through things secreatly and don't know how to express what they are feeling and what is going on in their livesand also he is at the age were puberty is strating and he could be dealing with what's goin on with his body and feels that know one understands what is going on, make sure that he knows that he can talk to u and ur husband about anything and hear what he has to say with out cutting in and make sure he knows u he has ur full attention, he needs u but dosen't know how to come to u, I know I have an 11yr old to but we talk about everything. try that and give him some time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:26 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • it's their relationship, they have to work it out, you can't continue to get in the middle of it, I watched my son & hubby go thru this, I was always butting in,I finally stopped & they started getting along, but they have to work this out not you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:48 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Sounds like rebellion, unless your DH is mean to him (doesn't sound like it).
    He's mad about something, and taking it out on DH. I'd start with talking. Therapy is just talking with a mediator - they don't fix your problems, they just help you talk through them. Therapy would be a second step. Sometimes kids outgrow the feelings they have quickly, sometimes it takes a while. I know I was disrespectful to step-parents b/c I resented their presence in my life. It took a while to accept it, but 4 years seems long enough.
    Perhaps your DH can back off "parenting" a little and let you handle your son for a week, and see if that helps.
    3gymnastsmom

    Answer by 3gymnastsmom at 6:21 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

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