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initiating contact with child 1st time after 10 years- how does this work???

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Asked by kelinnh at 6:22 PM on Jan. 8, 2009 in Adoption

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Answers (14)
  • 10 yrs ago, dh had affair, they had child, and gave it up for adoption. i found out about this 5 yrs ago. dh broke it off and we moved out of state. he never saw child. bm is involved with open adoption and has recently contacted us asking dh to contact child, and saying things about adoptive parents (i think shes lying) - like they want to hear from dh, etc.. so, to get her out of the middle, and because time does heal some wounds, dh wrote to the agency and asked them to forward a letter to the parents. (we only knew first name of ap, and birth month and year and location, and names of bp).

    Answer by kelinnh at 6:23 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • I guess it would depend on the situation.

    Answer by asholan_07 at 6:23 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • we told them what we heard from bm, told them that we believed that the decision to contact birth dad was up to them and the child, that dh would not initiate contact; that we would be open to it if and when they chose to do so, and gave address. 2 months later, wrote agency asking if they forwarded letter, and no response from agency. is this something they usually do? should we do diferent?

    ok so it woulnt let me post this all at once...

    Answer by kelinnh at 6:23 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Tell the child who you are, what you have been up to, what got you to make the decision you did and why. Don't push things, clearly state your intentions and what you hope to gain from contact with the child. Take a deep breath.
    You'll want to write a letter, explaining all this. Understand that the child may not respond at all. Or might be skeptical. Or even eager to reunite. But take it one day at a time. (I'm a reunited adoptee, if you need anymore help, message me.)

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 6:25 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Look for the adoption reunion group here on CafeMom - great ladies from all sides of the adoption triad that can offer advice and suggestions! If your DH's son has had contact with his mom because of an open adoption situation it is likely that he wonder's about your DH very much. My daughter has had contact with me (her birth mom) through an open adoption situation but not her birthdad and she wonders a lot if that is because he doesn't want to be in her life. But, she is also very afraid to go after him - even though her adoptive parents would be supportive heck, they'd even do it themselves if she didn't forbid it! Adoptees often feel that it is the birth parents job to search (they are the ones that left, therefore they should be the ones to come back).

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:04 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Oh and in response to your question about is it normal for an adoption agency to not respond quickly (or at all) to triad members seeking reunion? Yup, unfortunately it is quite common. Their first response is likely to be towards prospective adoptive parents and expectant mothers considering adoption (for that is what they are in business to do). There are some agencies that are really invested in triad members post-adoption but in general there is less of a focus and staffing to support post-adoption needs (even of adoptive parents).

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 7:21 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • It is now considered to be in the best interest of the adoptee to have an open adoption with his birth parents. If your dh's son is having a successful relationship with his birth mother then I think it quite likely that his adoptive parents would be keen on him having a relationship with his birth father. Yes, adoption agencies will ignore requests about reunion, it's very, very common. Try to get them out of your husbands reunion and make direct contact with the family. Maybe birthmom could forward something for him. BTW, I'm very impressed with how cool you are being about this!


    Answer by onethentwins at 8:21 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • Is it on record that he is this child's biofather? If he never terminated his parental rights or birthmother did not specifically name him - then they would not know if he this child's father. So I could see how legally an agency could not respond to such a letter in either direction. Also they have to protect the child's privacy. They might not be able to ever acknowledge, due to HIPPA laws, that this child or that family was ever a client. If that child's parents were a client then more than likely that letter would be placed in that child's file. When that child turns of legal age and wants to contact his birthfamily or just wants to uncover the actual documents of his or her adoption - that will be there. When ever you move you can update the agency by sending a letter to be added to the file. Just know that you probably won't recieve any acknowledgment that they received the letter.


    Answer by frogdawg at 8:31 PM on Jan. 8, 2009

  • kelinnh, if the mother has an open adoption- maybe she has their identifying and contact info. could you request that info from her? and, then, perhaps send a short note to the adoptive parents with your contact info- and let them know dh is open to communication- and then let them take the lead?

    PortAngeles is right....(that is what they are in business to do) work towards completing an adoption. Post adoption- its my experience that if there are disclosure and reunion laws in place- the agency will be happy to (collect some more Cha-Ching) and orchestrate and oversee and give qualified approval of contact between the parties. IMHO- if its at all possible......don't touch them with 39 and a half foot pole!


    Answer by adopteeme at 5:17 AM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • asking frogdawg- what does HIPPA law have to do with contact between the parties of adoption? Isnt hippa to protect individuals’ medical records and other personal health information??

    (those that profit) always told me when I requested info that the reason the secrecy was in place was to protect the Original parents privacy. not mine. Guess they twist it to fit their needs to keep us ALL in the dark.

    Answer by adopteeme at 5:29 AM on Jan. 9, 2009

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