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my son was adopted at 10 mos. he is now 10 years old

he is starting to act mean to me i ask him to do something he tells me shut up you fat lady and has these fits of anger just when i ask for help. Other then that he is a very loving boy and likes to sit and be with me. I get so up set with him when he acts out what can i do??? I have adopted 3 of his other sids but they are not like this. He is not the only one and everyone needs to help around the house. I love him so much this is really hurting me inside.

 
mj3frolo

Asked by mj3frolo at 12:58 PM on Jan. 9, 2009 in General Parenting

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Answers (8)
  • Don't discount what may be going on with him. Is he having behavioral issues at school? Has family dynamics changed lately? A move? New Job? Also think about the fact he is prepubescent and hormones are kicking up a little. Lots of adoptive kids start having issues in their teens. It isn't your fault..it is the nature of the process. Even in a home where they are safe and loved there is a part of them that may wonder.. "why wasn't I good enough" or What is wrong with me...sometimes there is a sense of abandonment. Abriupt changes in behavior can also be indicative of abusive contact. Is he in an activity that he is away form you ?
    Bottom line is you need to talk with him..one on one. Let him know it is okay to talk to you about anything. Ask open questions so he has to express not just yes or no. Good Luck.
    GrnEyedGrandma

    Answer by GrnEyedGrandma at 1:05 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • I would bring him to a therapist/physcologist. Maybe he has a chemical imbalance.
    Bobbysmommy324

    Answer by Bobbysmommy324 at 1:06 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • I am thinking this is more about his age then about the fact that he was adopted. I know that my son went through this as well. He would argue with me and fight me all the time. I finally had to back off and stop yelling. I found that yelling at him to try and get him to do things did not work.

    I am wondering if he is the oldest. I have found that my oldest feels he is the one that gets in trouble a lot and that he is the one to always help, even though that is not the case.

    I would try a reward system. Maybe a jar with marbles. Also a chart is a great idea. My kids have certain things they are suppose to do and we have a chart. When they are finished with a choir they put a check next to it. If everything gets done then they get a marble in the jar. after the jar is full they get to do something special.

    Good Luck and know that you are not along in this.
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 1:07 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • Although his behavior is unexcusable, children sometimes have a hard time expressing what is really wrong with them. We as parents sometime get busy and forget to listen to our children when they are trying to tell us something. There are times where the problem is much deeper that the suface we see. Try talking to him like someone who is growing up you might get to the root of the problem.
    StepmommyRee

    Answer by StepmommyRee at 1:21 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • Biological children pull away from mom and dad too. He is preteen and is probably hormonal and acting out. If he continues then get him help. Discipline him consistently. Kids change as they grow up and will test us sounds like that is what he is doing. Do you talk about him being adopted a lot around him? My best friend was adopted and her adoptive mom talked about it all the time. She always called my friend her adopted daughter not just daughter. My friend became resentful and acted out. Might check how you are around them. Maybe he is picking up on something.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:46 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • he is probally starting the first stages of puberty, and his hormones have gone wild, my 10yr old ds is doing much the same thing, he also know that mom would take him out if he tried to say of of the things your ds did, maybe you need to change displine tactics? (not bashing)
    also try to bring things up when he is calm, like have him help you with dinner or something else that he likes to do and just start talking to him
    lastly, is there any history of any sort of mental illness (depression, ect...) in bio-family? a lot of that stuff doesn't show up untill puberty or later so it could be something like that
    hope that helps
    good luck, momma
    bi-polarmommy

    Answer by bi-polarmommy at 1:52 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • There could be a lot of things going on. It is hard to say from just a blurb. But he does need help. Professional help. Anger is a mask for a deeper meaning. It could be hurt, frustration, fear, confusion, embarrassment - all those get displayed as anger. The key is knowing the source of this anger and working on that. He may not know. Truly some emotions cannot be put into words and some thoughts are so unconscious that he wouldn't be aware of the driving force with out real help. Do not over look the fact too that, as a previous poster said, he may have a chemical imbalance and/or mental health issue. My guess, and I don't know I'm taking a stab at it, is grief and loss mixed with some other factors. At 10 months he would have never remembered his family of origin. cont...

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:19 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

  • cont...Saying those things to you may be his unconscious way of saying, prove to me lady you love me. Then cozies up to you. A need he has for you to keep proving your commitment to him. There is usually not just one thing going on in situations like this but a lot of factors that contribute to the overall health of him and the family. So keep loving him. But do get him the professional help he and your family needs.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:21 PM on Jan. 9, 2009

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