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What do I say?

I have been searching for the right words to tell my 7 year old son, that the man he calls Dad, is not his biological father. His biological father was abusive and left the marriage when my son was only 8 weeks old. I met my husband about 10 mos later and we married the following year. The year after that my husband adopted my son. He is the only father my son knows, however, my son still visits with my ex-inlaws on random occasions. He has started asking questions about them lately. We also have a second son, that is ours together. I am just worried about how I am going to present the subject. I don't want him to feel ill towards his brother since he is his fathers child...help!!

Answer Question
 
Givemewisdom

Asked by Givemewisdom at 4:28 PM on Dec. 3, 2011 in Adoption

Level 2 (11 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I would tell him that a long time ago, mommy met a man who she cared a lot for and together you both made him and that the man is a good man who made bad choices (as in the abuse ) and left. Then you met his NOW dad who fell head over hills in love with him and asked the judge to please let him be his forever dad. ANd that is how yor family came to be Mom, Dad and two wonderful sons that are loved with all your hearts.
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 4:43 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • and I say good man- lightly because he really isnt but bashing or talking bad wont help - GL momma!
    luvmygrandbaby

    Answer by luvmygrandbaby at 4:43 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • Thanks. I like that. I definitely don't want to say anything bad. I just don't ever want him to think or feel he is a step-child, because he isn't.
    Givemewisdom

    Comment by Givemewisdom (original poster) at 4:46 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • I would start with "sometimes the man that makes a baby isn't the same man that raises the baby and becomes his dad"...and go from there depending on his understanding.
    Mom-2-3-Girlz

    Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 4:57 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • Thanks. I like that suggestion too.
    Givemewisdom

    Comment by Givemewisdom (original poster) at 5:09 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • OP, lovemygrandbaby is "spot on". Do not worry about your saon "feeling like a step child"! Your son, can only live what he KNOWS...IF he is not treated as such, he will not know to feela as such:) HOWEVER, I do so hope you and your Hubby will talk to BOTH your children ASAP...to learn honest, and trust...it must be taught. Secrets get out, and one never wishes them to be told, by ones who have not lived the secret. GL,CJ~
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 8:13 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • His brother is only 21 mos, but we are definitely going to tell him as well as soon as he is able to understand.
    Givemewisdom

    Comment by Givemewisdom (original poster) at 10:22 PM on Dec. 3, 2011

  • All is well...thanks ladies!
    Givemewisdom

    Comment by Givemewisdom (original poster) at 10:15 AM on Dec. 4, 2011

  • Sometimes seeing an experienced counselor prior to telling a child this information can be helpful. A way to rehearse, practice, and sort out what to tell and what not to tell. Making this normal and comfortable is key. There are many great books for his age on this very topic that you both can read together.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 4:18 PM on Dec. 4, 2011

  • If you have a picture of the three of you at your wedding set it out somewhere. And yes I know sometimes a couple has a baby and then gets married, but coupled with the true story it will be a visual reminder to both your kids that your older son came first, then the marriage. It just sorta reinforces the idea that you have nothing to hide.

    LoveMyDog

    Answer by LoveMyDog at 12:48 PM on Dec. 5, 2011

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