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Is it wrong to do this?

My SO and I are calling it quits. There are so many reasons but some major ones are he allows his 10 yr old son to disrespect and bully EVERYONE in the house including me and he has a horrible temper and I feel like I'm walking through a land mine just trying to keep the peace. We live together and I am a SAHM, he needs to save enough money to get his own place but I'm annoyed that I am expected to take care of his 2 kids and the house while he does not pay any rent, utilities, food ect. so he can "save up". By the way his kids call me mom. Is it wrong to say that I will no longer take care of the 10 yr old? how do I enforce it ? Do I try to demand he pay SOMETHING in the mean time or just cut my losses and hope he gets out quickly? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:28 PM on Jan. 10, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

Answers (8)
  • OP here some more info... He works so I get he kids (his and my oldest) ready for school in the morning and care for them tell he comes home from work. I also prepare ALL meals and do all the laundry and cleaning. I also tuck the kids in at night basically all parental duties. I feel bad for my stepson but am tired of being cursed at, hit, having holes punched in MY walls etc. I don't want to damage him any further (his mom dropped him off on Dad because of this same behavior) but I can't take it anymore and his Father my SO is unwilling to get help for him or even admit he needs it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:29 PM on Jan. 10, 2009

  • I think the whole idea of living together while he saves up is a bad one. YOU'RE the one w/o a job -- if anyone needs a chance to get on their feet it's YOU. If he's not going to be paying rent, utilities, etc... isn't that going to leave you in a big hole when he finally packs up?

    If it were me, I'd tell him his kids are his responsibility, mine are mine, and I'm going to get a job, so he'd better figure something out 'cause I'm not going to be around to take care of his kids.
    Laura1229

    Answer by Laura1229 at 2:31 AM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • WALK OUT> TAKE A BREAK> let him see how much he needs you. When he has to start doing everything himself, he'll get an attitude adjustment...and in turn, he'll give his kids one too. I know it sounds harsh, but it will work.

    If you don't like that idea, my only other suggestion is to call the police when your stepson acts violently. They will scare him into changing his ways, or they can show him what Juvenile hall looks like. I know for a fact that juve hall will give tours, so the kid can see where they'll end up if they keep misbehaving.

    I took my kids there when they started acting this way, and it changed EVeRYTHING.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:39 AM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • Anon939 said it best. I did the same thing when my DH wasn't doing his share. I flat out told him I was tired of being the bank when they needed, needed and needed, a referee when they fought and maid when NOBODY wanted to pick up their shit and I stopped doing and made him do. And trust me, he changed and so did everything else. Now, when he sees that I'm "TO THAT POINT", he automatically and willingly takes the kids from me for a while to give me some "MOMMY TIME". GL. Hope this helps some!

    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 5:50 PM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • Your SO should not get a free ride. He's not going to when he moves out, he may as well get used to it now. I would make him leave immediately if he won't pay anything. As far as the 10 year old, the only person who can make him respect you is you. Each time you go to his dad for something he did, the child respects you less. He sees his dad taking advantage of you and thinks he can as well. You need to tell the child's father that whatever discipline you implement, he better back you up, the child has to see both of you as a united front. Cont....
    LoriW

    Answer by LoriW at 5:50 PM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • You are the adult and can make his life miserable, misery to a child that age is no tv, video games or anything else he loves. Stand up to both of them, you will feel better, but they sure won't, ;). There is no mention of the child's mother. If she deserted him he may be testing you to see if you will do the same. I go through that with my 2 year old, when he is reassured that I will never abuse or leave him, he's back to his sweet, precious self. Find your inner strength, and shock the heck out of them. ;)
    LoriW

    Answer by LoriW at 5:51 PM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • Oh and I forgot to mention that part of it was me letting my kids know that "Mommy's on break" and to ask daddy!!!!! After sitting down to watch a football game and having to get back up to make meals, stop fights, etc., he had had enough and admitted that my job isn't as easy as he thought it was and started to appreciate me more. And even though I've never been in a situation where he didn't work (because he always has), there were times when he would spend $ on stupid shit instead of asking me what needed paid and how much.  

    LovingParent08

    Answer by LovingParent08 at 5:56 PM on Jan. 11, 2009

  • If you must let him live there, which I do think is a terrible idea, then I would treat it like you were roommates. Roommates don't depend on their roommate to get their kids ready in the morning, nor do they expect their roommate to cook for them. I say just take care of you and your own. Tell him flat out find a place in the next two weeks and you need to take care of your own kid in the morning, I want nothing to do with him.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 6:13 PM on Jan. 11, 2009

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