I have a 21 year old step daughter who when in our home doesn't show any respect for the way in which we keep,our home...neat, orderly,mew don't slam doors, talk down to people or argue with everything anyone says. She lays on the couch all day watching Netflix and whining while eating food and not cleaning up her own messes. Her father, my husband seems to not see what is going on and is getting pissed at me for getting and showing my frustrations. Any suggestions?

you've put up with this and his non-reactive behavior to it for 11yrs?? kudos..i think. she will always act this way, as long as he allows it. it will never be 'your' home, as long as he allows it. why is she living there, at 21yo?

Is she living with you all? If not tell her to go home and stop messing up your house. I would not clean up after her. I would let my DH see the mess and when he said something to me about it. I would tell him your child made that mess, either you clean it up or she does. And walk away.

Yeah, your husband is going to have to get it in gear. She's obviously not responding to what you've been doing up to this point; I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Give her 90 days to get a job and an apartment. She's too old to be living at home.

I agree with louise2 ~ stop doing things for her and let DH know that either he or she is now in charge of her mess. If it were me, I'd take it a step further because I can guarantee that she wouldn't be watching my tv without chipping in for the cable bills, or using dishes if she doesn't know how to wash them (or even have food anywhere but at the kitchen table!). I went through something similar with DS's gf for about 4 months. Caught her not feeding the baby while she stuffed her face, and since I bought the baby food AND the food she was eating I had no problem dumping her plate in the trash. When she left clothes on the floor I tossed them out in the dumpster. When she sat in their room to watch tv instead of watching her 4 children I cut the end off the cable connection. I'll grant that I had DH approval/help, but MY roost, MY rules. If nothing else were wrong, it's still not good for your children to live with.

You are making it too comfortable for her to want to stop her behavior. Put your NetFlix account on vacation, cut the plug off the T.V. cord (you can easily splce it back on later), and she'll quickly find some place more interesting to hang out). If she's always on your WiFi, passcode it and then "forget" the code...

Don't clean up after a child; don't keep her favorite foods in the house; don't give her money, car keys, etc.

2 weeks is a long time. I'd sit with her immediately and come up with 3-5 basic house rules. Let her know you want EVERYONE to enjoy her time at the house.

My step kids are the same way. Drivers me fricken crazy! I don't have a good suggestion but I'll bump ya :)

Wait, her mother just died? Are you sure that she's not depressed? Because what you described does kind of sound like depression. So, of course, your DH would get mad at you under that circumstance.

However, I know a man who has a horrible, bratty 18 yr old DD, that he has let walk all over him, since she moved in with him at 15. So, I know what you mean by some father's refusing to actually enforce rules.