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How do I (or should I) introduce my son to his father after 17 years?

When my son was 3 mos old, I kicked his father out because of a drug issue. I dropped the child support suit because I was scared to deal with him and afraid to let him have visitation. He never pursued anything either. I never found a father figure for him other that my dad. I had a lot of bad relationships. He's now 17 and seems to be an angry child (but with a ton of friends). I think his father is married with kids now and I think he's gotten help with his drug problem. I'm not perfect either. I'm very lenient thinking I'm making up for the not-so-great childhood I gave him. If I ask my son if he wants to meet his father and his father doesn't have room in his life for him, it will crush him. Should I ask his father first if he wants to meet his son or ask my son first if he wants to meet his father? I don't know if I'd be opening a can of worms or helping my son. The only feelings I care about here are my son's.

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annas321

Asked by annas321 at 6:27 PM on Jan. 12, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Id first ask his father if he is interested. I never met my father till i was 22 years of age and my father actually found me i never had the urge to find him. My mother had never told me anything bad about him just that he wasnt ready to be a dad and that was it. At first i was hestient about meeting him after all i had gone 22 yrs with out a father i most certaintly didnt need one after all those years. But i did have alot of questions we did meet we arnt close and i would assume your son and his dad will ever be close either but you never know.
    Mommy2B04

    Answer by Mommy2B04 at 6:30 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • I sorta have the same issue. My older kids dad was a drug user and I left him. I did get child support and sole custody and until he cleaned up he wasnt allowed around the kids. It was my choice and I dont regret it. Anyway now they are teens and he still doesnt come around but does call. My one oldest son has issues with men and is angry etc. I think the best way is to call the father and ask first. Like y ou said you dont want your son crushed. After that then ask your son how he feels about it. He is old enough to decide if he wants to know his father or not. I wouldnt push it though. I know with my oldest it did open a can of worms, but good worms. All the anger and rage he had was father related and his anger was properly directed.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 6:32 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • i WOULD NOT ASK THE FATHER IF HE INTERESTED. Ask your son if he wants to meet him. And if he says yes then warn him ahead of time the possiblities of what his father can say. and that his feelings might be really hurt. If your son is willing to take that chance then let him. It is up to your son if he wants to meet him. Not up to you or his father. your son meeting his father is the least the father can do. Then take things from there.
    vadasmom

    Answer by vadasmom at 6:33 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • i would ask the father first because i wouldnt want to get my sons hopes up. good luck!
    aliciatron

    Answer by aliciatron at 6:48 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • First let me stop you. Your words," I am not perfect either." Don't make excuses for him not parenting. You did you rpart. Don't open this can of worms and hurt your son again. He never paid child support or feeling support. I meant feeling support for your son. He is a man now. Let him live his life knowing you as the strong mom in his life. My son is 21 and he turned out fine. I kicked his father out his life when I was 2 mos. pregnant. He could not decide if he wanted me or his mommy. Plus he was an alcoholic and i didn't know it.
    Godswk

    Answer by Godswk at 7:18 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • Has your son asked or told you that he wishes he can meet his father or do you just think he should? If he wants to I would tell him that there could be good or bad outcome, but that you could find him. Since he has never really known this man who gave up his rights, it's sort of like a sperm donor or adoption where the father really has no rights or responsibilities, and the child has to be the one who wants to meet him, but the father should also have the right to refuse to meet your son.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 PM on Jan. 12, 2009

  • Don't break that child's heart from rejection by the dad so ask the dad FIRST.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:27 AM on Jan. 13, 2009

  • I can so relate to this. My 9 y.o. daughter hasn't seen her drug addicated dad since she was 10 mos. old. Sometimes we talk about him when she has questions and I try to be factual not judgmental. If she wants to meet him someday I will help her look him up and accompany her if she is under age. Kids want to know about their parents. I wouldn't push it either way if dad is happily staying away like in my situation. But if my daughter wanted it, I would help her and try to make the meeting as easy as possible. Hopefully she is an adult at that point.
    Havingfun13

    Answer by Havingfun13 at 9:55 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

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