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2 Bumps

What is a good age for daughter to see birthparents???

My DD is 7 years old, adopted at birth. When she was adopted we lived 1 state away from
her birthfamily. We now live 7 states away. I am intouch with the birthfather. The birthmother is always on the move and maybe once a year she will call me. Her # has changed about 8 times since the birth of my daughter.

My daughter has PDD (mild from of autism). She is on a routine. She was afraid of loud noises for years. The list goes on. When anyone leaves she will tell you that she misses them.

She knows all about her birthfamily and her half brothers and half sister. She tells me that she misses them. I aksed her if she would like to go see them, and she says yes.

My ? lies here....I want to take her to see them. Her father (we are divorced) doesn't agree nor does
my mother.
I want to go speak to a child specialist, someone with knowledge of adoptees.
Her father says she is too young that she says she misses everyone. He feels that she will get confused even though she knows all about her birthfamily.

What do you all think? I would like to here from birthmothers, adoptedmothers and adoptees.

If you have no experience in adoption please don't reply.

Thank you

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:44 PM on Jan. 9, 2012 in Adoption

Answers (6)
  • My brother and his wife adopted their son when he was three. When he was 12 they got in contact with his sister, who basically raised him until he was taken by the state. They let him visit with her online and let him talk to her on the phone. When he was 14 my SIL and nephew drove to see his sister for the first time.

    My brother and sil think it was just right for their son. They are glad they waited until he was older and more mature to handle the situation. There was no confusion about who she was and what was going to happen to him.

    Good luck.

    Answer by SleepingBeautee at 10:50 PM on Jan. 9, 2012

  • Maybe when she can understand more, more emotionally mature? tough one - here's a BUMP for ya....

    Answer by sarasmommy777 at 11:24 PM on Jan. 9, 2012

  • This is especially tough to answer because every situation is completely unique. I think you know her best and you can make the right decision for her. Don't let anyone else make you feel like you are making the wrong decision. The truth is, nobody knows for sure. Just do what you feel will work. I gave a child up for adoption when I was 17 and I don't expect to have any contact with her until she is on her own; assuming she is curious about me. I was also adopted, but by my grandparents. I knew my mother and saw her sporadically. It was not healthy for me. She was a drug addict, in and out of jail and only bothered to contact when in jail. If she were stable, I could see how it would have been healthy. Again, each situation is unique to those involved. Go with your gut.


    Answer by banana-bear at 12:29 AM on Jan. 10, 2012

  • Good question OP:) When "we" as parents offer the truth at ALL times, then 'our' child grows up knowing TRUTH:) When we attempt to protect, lie by ommission,to better serve a purpose, then it can come back to bite us.
    Your child has been able to understand and survive your divorce of her father, has she not?
    Unless, her firstparents are a danger, are drug addicted, are emotionally unstable, then IMHO,yesterday was soon enough:)
    Of course I am a Firstmom, so these are indeed MY views as being such:)
    Sometimes as adults, we 'place" fear where there should be none. WE place, insecurities, where there should be none. I thinking simply by your asking, you already know in your heart, as a Mom, what should be done:) Good Luck, Mommy~

    Answer by ceejay1 at 8:01 AM on Jan. 10, 2012

  • I don't have any fear. I am the one that thought it was a good idea to do this.
    She always gets the truth from me, weather it is a conversation about her birthfamily or
    any other conversation.
    Her birthmom is not stable, never has been.
    Her birthfather came from a different environment and a different home than her birthmother did.
    The birthfamily does not ask to she her.
    I now believe that "yesterday" is too soon.
    The first poster opened up my eyes. I do think she is too young and will get confused.
    Maybe it is me that wants to see them. I love them and there are so many times I just want to hug them
    and cry and say thankyou!
    I still would like to hear more.
    Thank you

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:55 AM on Jan. 10, 2012

  • I'm an adoptee and my adoption was closed as were all adoptions in that time period. You are the person that knows your daughter best and what she can handle. For me I think at age 7 it would have been confusing to see my bfamily but then it was not an option then. It all depends on the maturity of the adoptee and each situation is different. I would have wanted to know who they were though as it was something I wondered about especially when someone would mention that I resembled someone they knew. As I got older I think it might have been helpful to know more about the family and maybe have some kind of contact in my teens, possibly through letters, or in this time period email, maybe moe as time went on. I don't know if this is that helpful since I can only go from my frame of reference and really don't know how I would have been with a more in the way of contact.

    Answer by confused969 at 1:45 PM on Jan. 11, 2012

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