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Marry for stability?

I dated this guy for about 2 years, from when my daughter was 1 to 3 years old. It was a long distance thing, 4 hours apart, which put alot of strain on the relationship. I ended up moving to another state, and got pregnant by a guy who isn't around anymore. I started talking to the ex again, and he told me he'd like to move out here to help me with my daughter and the baby-to-be and has even brought up marriage. The problem is, I'm not head over heels in love with this guy. I love him for the way he's always treated my daughter like his own when her real dad has never done anything for her, I love him as a good friend, but that's about it. He knows this, and feels like if I give it time I may fall in love like he love me. Would it be wrong of me to let him move out here knowing I don't feel the same way about him? I need stability and assistance and know he can provide it for me and my kids.

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KimSanAntonio

Asked by KimSanAntonio at 2:24 PM on Jan. 14, 2009 in Relationships

Level 2 (12 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • It would be a huge mistake to let him move out here. You are vulnerable and you are settling. This is a super great guy and you would be taking advantage of him and evenually hurt him because it won't last. Good friends don't get married. You have to make yourself happy. Money isn't the key to this.
    pattigioeli

    Answer by pattigioeli at 2:30 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • From my own experience...besides moving to another state...it probably will not work.
    You can not make yourself fall in love with someone, and even if he makes you feel stable and he loves you the way you want to be loved...you still will feel like you are missing something...and that missing thing...is loving someone...loving someone back who you love and they love you.
    I too was honest with my guy but just could not love him. Maybe it could be different for you but
    I don't believe it could be. Love is not something that you try to get, it should come naturally.
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 2:31 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • BIG MISTAKE!!! You marry for true love sweetie not stability.
    happyathomemum

    Answer by happyathomemum at 2:32 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • Don't get with this guy just because he is financially stable. You will regret it. If you don't have, I love him and want to be with him forever feeling for him, don't do it.

    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 2:33 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • I personally don't think marrying just for the sake of stability is a good idea. You two could be in a relationship and have the same support. I believe that marriage is for two people who love and respect each other. Marriage is a big step for everyone. If he is a really good friend to you then you would want him to always be happy and a marriage where only one person loves the other is not something that will make him feel happy. If your not in love with him then tell him that your grateful for everything he wants to do and you still want to have him in your life as a friend. Its not fair to give him false hopes just for the sake of assistance.
    HeartsNRoses

    Answer by HeartsNRoses at 2:34 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • I married my best friend and I wasn't in love with him but I did love him as a person and friend. He said that he hoped that someday I would learn to love him the way he loved me. It took many years for that to happen but it did happen. I'm not saying marry him, but if he WANTS to move there knowing how you feel, you could either be room mates (sex is optional) and give yourself time to fall in love with him, or he could just be there for you as a friend if that's what you want. You don't have to marry him and it's only using if you're deceitful about it which you're not so it's his choice to help you or not but he sounds like a great guy so I'm hoping you'll find some feelings sparking later. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 2:39 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • I say its a bad idea. You obviously have doubts and you should NEVER feel doubt when you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, and you should definately LOVE them madly truly deeply before considering marriage!
    LovinEveryDay

    Answer by LovinEveryDay at 2:47 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • Generally living with someone you aren't already in love with is a bad idea. Sometimes it works out though. It worked for me. I didn't fall in love with my husband until nearly two years after we were married. Now, I'll say upfront that I married him for the wrong reasons but he loved me, took care of me and helped me through a lot of burdens I was shouldering at the time. Through that, after some time I began to fall in love with him. We've been married now for almost five years and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. If he knows you don't feel the same way now then no one would be going into this with their eyes closed. It could work out. It might not. You just have to be prepared for both possible outcomes.
    sillyt

    Answer by sillyt at 3:00 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • I forgot to add: Try living together for stability and see if you fall in love. Don't get married right away assuming it will happen.
    sillyt

    Answer by sillyt at 3:01 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

  • my mom did but after 30 yrs they divorce. which may seem like a long time to be married and yes it was but thats how many yrs she wasted being with a man where love was not there. i feel very sorry for her. don't do this. when you find the one you know. he isn't which you know.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 3:11 PM on Jan. 14, 2009

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