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Offended by general conversation. What do you think?
I attended a birthday party of a friend's child. At the party two other female friends were discussing adoption. It came up because my female friend, "Susan," was telling a story of her recent experience of an adoptee with "issues." This little boy (the adoptee) hit another child very hard in Susan's car. Long story short it lead to how all adoptees have problems and long term issues. I was uncomfortable because A) I am a mother of an adoptee and B) the implication that being an adoptee means you have problems. Along with it Susan added of course these kids are so much better off here than in their own counties. Susan's friend, the adoptive mother, owns an adoption agency. I was so offended I didn't say a thing. What's to say? You're a bitch didn't seem quite appropriate even though it was in my thoughts. Susan is highly educated and in our group her opinion is LAW. Do you agree all adoptees have problems? That kids are better off here than in their home countries? How do tackle tge Susans whenyou encounter them?
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Answers (7)
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I think over the years it has been proven some do have issues. My mom and step dad wanted to adopt and their main reason to not adopt a child was they were told by the adoption agency and friends alike that when you adopt a child unless it is an open adoption, you have no idea the medical history or mental health of the parents, and some of the children COULD have issues. It was a turn off for my parents who decided adopting was not for them. Do all adoptees have issues? No of course not. Is it possible you could adopt a child and see no issues until their teen and young adult years? Yep of course. Its all a crap shoot just like having your own baby is.Found an answer to your question?
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I am a believer that there is a difference between issues and problems. Issues is something you can work on and handle. Problem is like a mountain, it is fixed and can't be moved. I understand adoptees have issues related to adoption and are unique to this group. What I find odd is people who have the opinion is adoptees have problems which implies their daily functioning and success is limited. I am sad to hear some couples limit themselves because they are afraid of the problems they think adoptees live with. I can't help but think of my own five year old and know he has questions, concerns, and issues. From my perspective I don't see them as a problem. Only as legitimate issues to be addressed.
Comment by frogdawg (original poster) at 9:16 AM on Jan. 19, 2012
Credits: 16177 Level 23
Adoption Minor
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Well what can I say-I stopped letting anyone know I was an adoptee a long time ago. There is a lot of prejudice out there and it is reinforced all the time and people can then put problems into a neat little box blaming being adopted as the reason. Whenever there is a story where an adoptee makes the news, the fact that they are adopted is always mentioned. Think of Marie Osmond's son who committed suicide and Steve Jobs. People want to credit adoption as being a factor, whether the news story is good or bad. Just like any prejudice the bad is "because of" and the good is "in spite of" or "because of" whatever the situation-growing up in a home with a single parent, being a particular race or religion, or being adopted, you name it. Prejudice is prejudice and adoptees face it all the time.
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Something about the subject of adoption just opens up the boobie hatch in people's brains. I know my Momma taught me to think before I speak, but I am adopted soooo maybe that is just wierd. I think people in general just don't. Maybe the subject makes them uncomfortable; watching Annie too many times as children.Found an answer to your question?
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My personal experience, seeing how people act towards my adopted siblings, I think many issues or problems adoptees face come from people treating them like oddities. I have 4 adopted brothers and sisters. 2 are domestic adoptions and honestly resemble my mom so much that nobody ever even thinks about them being adopted. They are both well-adjusted and carefree as can be about their adoptions. However, my sisters are international adoptions from Central America. People treat them so differently. They get stared at and questioned all the time. My parents get interrogated about their adoption by perfect strangers. They are having a much harder time with their status as adoptees.
As to whether or not they would be better off here or in their "own countries"...I can't say. They wouldn't have the same opportunities there, but they wouldn't get treated as a freak show either =(Found an answer to your question?
Answer by Anonymous at 11:58 AM on Jan. 19, 2012
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Boobie hatch! I laughed so hard. I find it so true that for some reason the first thought that comes out does without really thinking. It was jaw dropping that a teacher and a doctor were jabbering and just so WRONG. From they ALL have serious problems to well at least they are better off here. And me, standing right there, with them basically saying, yeah, your kid is screwed. I wanted to say something but nothing would have been polite and so nothing got said. Funny, I often suspect my son is more adjusted than her two biological children. At least my child knows where babies come from. Susan redirected her children and ignored their question when they asked how the puppies came out and from where after their dog gave birth. I keep thinking I'll take our adoption tasks any day over lying to my kids and not answering their ligitimate questions.
Comment by frogdawg (original poster) at 1:12 PM on Jan. 19, 2012
Credits: 16177 Level 23
Adoption Minor
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Hmmm.... well, I think telling Susan she is a moron is a great start. She is perpetuating stereotypes and that is not okay. I would bluntly ask her if she would like to tell my child that she has problems/issues due to being adopted and see what happens. My 6 year old would politely tell her that the only one with issues is her and then Mama Bear would emerge.
IA kids are not any better off here than in their birth country. How would she like to have been removed from her home at a tender age and plopped down in another country where she doesn't understand the language, etc? Does my daughter have more opportunities that she had while in an orphanage in China? Yes...however, she could very well have matured and excelled if she remained in China...she could also have perished in the system there...it's a 50/50 call. My daughter lost her heritage 5 years ago. My job now is to keep it alive for her.Found an answer to your question?
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