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3 Bumps

Relationship with ex husband is ruining all my other relationships...

My ex husband and I met, married, and had our kids young... we were always a good team - but just not good together... However I have always felt that we are EXCELLENT as divorced co-parents lol ...

people actually think we are together because we get along good when we are together, we act likes buddies I guess ... but when it comes to actually being in a relationship together, it doesnt work, we drive each other up the wall ...

So now we have a kind of relationship where we talk about pretty much everything, we hang out with the kids ( never really alone, but only to do with things involving the kids, this includes game nights, going places, and all holidays) , we even ask each other relationship adivce ...

I have honestly always thought this was great ... the only times I would have a problem with it is when I would try to start a relationship with another man ...

a year after we divorced I started dating a man who I really liked, he was awesome... but then he got upset over how much money my ex would give me ( I wasnt working, we both wanted me to stay home until they both started school, which of course meant he was supporting us) ...

It bothered me alot when we broke up and it took me awhile to start a relationship again ( i dated here and there ) ... I had my own carreer at this point ( he still gave me alot in CS though) ... and this time my then BF was upset because my ex wanted to come over for chrsitmas morning ....

this went on and on ... each time i would wait a long time before dating again... and it would get to the point to where I just felt more comfortable being "alone" ....

and now that is where I am at.... I mean looking from the outside in i understand why the guys would be upset, if I was dating a man who had this relationship with his ex I would be pretty upset too.... but from my point of view, I guess I prefer it ... and that kind of scares me !!!

Our oldest is now in high school, and I heard my ex telling me the other day about how it will be fun when we have grandkids ( and basically being how we are with them ) ... which means I am going to be alone .... and right now that doesnt bother me, but I feel like one day it will and htne it will be too late to be with anyone else ....

I just feel confused I dont know what to do ...

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:07 PM on Jan. 22, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • It's better to have someone willing to pay child support than have to wrestle it out of someone who doesn't even care. I think people just get so used to the "traditional" idea of a family and maybe it's time to see how it could work with an extended, alternative family. I'd have a talk w/any boyfriends and explain to them how you understand it's important for them to feel like a provider but at the same time, does it really hurt to have an ex that actually is trying to be responsible? That should be the standard, not the unusual. Maybe the extra money means a vacation for you and the current bf. Does that really sound that bad? I'd put things into perspective for your bf and maybe let him imagine that if that were him, you'd know that he'd also try to be responsible...and there's nothing wrong with trying to do the right thing. You might be the example family that everyone looks up to. Show people that it CAN work!
    hellokittykat

    Answer by hellokittykat at 11:19 PM on Jan. 22, 2012

  • You are basically gonna have to decide if you and your EX are gonna be friends with benefits or not or are you having sex?. There are also issue with the kids. The know you and him are divorced, but yet you 2 are still friends and he comes over quite frequently. You will never have a proper relationship as long as the ex is still in play. There is another option, when you start seeing someone else, tell them up front you still have a 'friends only' relationship with your ex. Then the guy can decide up front if he still wants to date you. I mean if you put the shoe on the other foot, how would you REALLY feel if the guy you are dating and he still are friends with his ex and she is always over there. You wouldn't know for sure if they were having sex or not even if he says he ain't.
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 11:20 PM on Jan. 22, 2012

  • It sounds like you and ur "Ex:" are in relationship. It sounds like you guys work together great, as parents, friends and so on. Maybe those little things that kept you apart aren't so big to begin with. Maybe try seeking some therapy to work out those issues. Or you probaly will never find a man who will feel comfortable enough with ur very close relationship with your ex. If hes over alot, or you talk to him alot belive me you are not over him or ready to move on with someone else.
    SweetPoison

    Answer by SweetPoison at 11:25 PM on Jan. 22, 2012

  • no we dont have sex... I mean years and years ago we did here and there... but it has probably been close to 10 years (maybe a little longer) since we have together ...

    its that I cant let go of him, because I like how things are.... but I am afriad that I will regret it when I am older and alone....
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:26 PM on Jan. 22, 2012

  • Well, you never know, he may fall in love and re-marry and new wife may put the Kabosh on spending time together like you do now. I would just take it as it comes, if you feel you want to be in a relationship, find a man who can accept it.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 12:00 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

  • well he also is kind of the same... he has had alot of other relationships ( alot more than I have) ... and was even engaged twice, but he ended them whenever they would try to change it .... thats why i feel that we are forever going to be this way
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:01 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

  • You didn't specify how your ex husband is ruining your relationships besides the fact that he is giving you CS for the kids? He is supposed to be doing that. You should know this and we all know this. But, what do you want? Do you wanna be with him again? It sounds like you kind of miss him in your life, yet at the same time, you want someone else.

    You gotta clarify it here.
    onelove1982

    Answer by onelove1982 at 2:02 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

  • Well, can you 2 live together and not be married? How does that work?
    Good thing my beloved grandma passed away, she would hit me across my head a few times for suggesting 2 people live together without being married! lol
    Michigan-Mom74

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 2:07 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

  • I think that your relationship with your ex is GREAT. However, you seem to have chosen insecure bfs ... The amount of CS that your ex gives you is nothing to do with your bf. None of his buisiness. It is simply a father taking care of his children because the money is for them not for you. I also think that the Xmas morning thing was great :) Your ex is NOT ruining your future relationships - he is being a good example to your children. Look at how civilized you both are. Would your bf prefer you to be at each other's throats?

    Just look for men with better self esteem next time. Oh, and it might be a good idea to introduce them to your ex pretty soon so that they can get over any strange ideas they may have of you being still together.

    winterglow

    Answer by winterglow at 3:39 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

  • I think you just haven't met the right guy yet. One will come along who will be secure enough in your relationship that he will not be threatened by your relationship with your ex, and that right one will probably draw you more towards him and away from your ex. Don't take yourself off the market because it hasn't worked out yet.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 11:13 AM on Jan. 23, 2012

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