What do you think is the appropriate role of a SM?

I know this definitely depends on the situation but say the situation was the child lives with mom and visits dad every other weekend.

I ask because my parents are divorced and my dad's new wife seems to think she has every right to play mommy with my little brother, he is 10 (there are 4 of us, the 10 year old is the youngest and the only one who is under 18). This really offends my mom because she is a wonderful and capable mother, my brother doesn't need or want another mom. For example, she has tried to pick him up from my mom when it was my dad's visit because he was getting off work late (the court order specifically says he is to be there to pick him up). My mom told her he could pick him up when he gets off work, why should he spend the time with dad's wife, when he could be with his own mother? I think a step mom (or step parent who is the spouse of the non custodial parent) who comes into the situation any time after about 5 (when they are not babies anymore and can remember time before they were there) should really just be an adult in the child's life. They are to be respected because they are an adult but they are not a parent and should respect the role of the other parent

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:38 AM on Jan. 31, 2012 in Parenting Debate

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I don't understand how picking him up when his dad is getting off work late is trying to be his mother. Would that time be better spent with a cab driver?

Answer by Lornamay at 4:43 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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Lornamay, that was just one example but why should he go home with SM, eat dinner with her until dad gets home when he could be home with his mom and eat dinner with her until dad comes to get him. That was probably not the best example, another one would be my brother only got 2 tickets to the school play he was in, everyone else had to buy tickets but they sold out for the opening night before either mom or dad knew about it. (I got a ticket because I am a teacher at the school) SM felt that she should get to go with dad and mom should just go another night. Her reasoning was that dad couldn't go any other night but 1. that doesn't mean she gets to demand my mom's ticket and 2. my mom couldn't go any other night either.

Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:08 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
Agreed. I think a step parents role in a childs life is to be an extra adult on the child's side who loves them because in your case the step mom loves your dad and therefore you kids are an extension of him so she loves you. My ex had to be there for every visit too. It is really common unless there is some sort of abuse or what have you for both parents to do drop off and pick ups. I dont do them myself because my ex has shown up drunk at exchanges and caused many problems. Before that though I was ALWAYS there and so was he. Plus if it is in the CO you have to stick to it. It is law once the judge signs it.

Answer by gemgem at 7:06 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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I think it is some place in the middle. Picking him up gives her time to have positive interactions with your brother. Eating dinner, enjoying listening to each other, and sharing a few laughs are helpful. This woman is now very important to your father. He is her partner in life. His life partner can be your brother's friend. Friends spend time together. She should not be someone who is just there as a wallflower. I agree opening night is for parents if there are no extra tickets. Some things are reasonable and your mother can be flexable on. Other things, like seeing her child preform in a play, she can hold firm. What you are suggesting is unfair to the sm. To just be a thing in the background where her feelings don't matter. They do. I would be flexable and not care if my son is picked up and eats dinner with sm. Hang out. But graduation, plays, sports....those are mine and if she can come, great.

Answer by Anonymous at 7:18 AM on Jan. 31, 2012

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If a judge ordered dad at pick ups then they can go back to court and have that changed. Right now the CO says he has to be there. I am not seeing how that is unfair if a judge orders something it is too be followed not ignored. SM is asking them to go against the CO and make an exception. If she wants an exception I am sure her husband can go back to court and have that bit changed. If he chooses not to then I guess it is not all that important right? But suggesting the mom ignore what the judge ordered is asking too much. It is a slippery slope and what else will they ask for next?

Answer by gemgem at 7:34 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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I don't see the big deal. I guess I see it has another person who loves that child and is willing to step in as a parent but not take over.

I used to pick up my step-daughter whenever my husband got off work late. Her mother never had a problem with it either. Her and I would go out and do whatever we felt like till her dad came home.

I think you two may be overreacting here a bit. I don't think she is trying to take over being his mommy. I would be happy that someone is going to love and take care of my brother/son as much as I would.

Answer by Christine0813 at 7:51 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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i think you're really resentful and really reaching. i don't read anything in here about her overstepping any boundaries or being inappropriate in any way. do your other siblings go out of their way to make her as miserable as possible too?

Answer by figaro8895 at 8:20 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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If it's the step parent that he doesn't live with full time I think the role is very different than if it's the spouse of the parent he lives with full time. My husband is stepdad to 3 of my children, they live with us 80% of the time, so he is the male figure in the house. He's the one that helps with my 12 yo's replica of a WWI trench for school, builds a fort in the woods with them, takes them to play paintball, etc. and I feel that he should be allowed some parental rights. But it would be different if he weren't with them so much.
However, I don't think there's a problem with your brother spending some time and forging a relationship with his stepmother. She very important to your father and I can only see a positive from that. I think that relationship should be encouraged. The ticket thing, yes that may have been overstepping but I think you should cut her a little slack, she's finding her place in the family.

Answer by missanc at 8:38 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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Sorry, I disagree. I'm a stepmom of kids who only visit.

While I do not make final decisions on things, or dole out serious punishment, they are still children and as such require an adult to guide them.

why should he go home with SM, eat dinner with her until dad gets home I think this sounds wonderful! Thank god this child has 4 people who love him so much.

Answer by Candi1024 at 8:55 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
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Oh, and picking them up and driving them that hour home was the best bonding I ever had with them.
You want to know something horrible? Sometimes thier stepdad would drop them off, and I the stepmom would pick them up. Oh the horror!

Answer by Candi1024 at 8:58 AM on Jan. 31, 2012
Credits: 18258 Level 23 Parenting Debate 101

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