Was I too hard on a 9 year old?

I kind of feel mean. The family that lives next door doesn't have much. They have a little boy who turned nine today. I've known them for a year and a half. Every special occasion he comes over and tells me. Christmas is coming would you buy me a bicycle, My birthday is coming would you buy me a Nintendo DS, sometimes I think the mom sends him over to ask for things. I know they think we have a lot of money and compared to them, we probably do, but we really don't.

I usually do buy gifts for him, but I spend what I can afford, usually about $20. I had forgotten that his birthday was this week, (mind you, we aren't actually friends we barely know each other) and I've been without a car lately. We only have one car, and my husband's shift changed so he is no longer able to vanpool, and I don't have a car (as I said, we don't really have a lot of money. So I didn't have a birthday gift.

So the doorbell rang a little while ago, and it was the little boy. He said, " it's my birthday" . I said, "Happy Birthday." He said "Did you buy me a present." I said "I'm sorry I didn't." He then said. "You should buy me a present you know." I guess I was a little frustrated at this point, because I said "You know it isn't nice to ask people to buy you presents."

I thought he was going to cry. This isn't a small child, like I said he's 9.

Now I feel really bad, but he constantly asks for things inappropriately. His mother is sometimes there, other times I think she sends him to ask. I'll probably go buy him a gift, but I still feel bad.

Should I just have kept my mouth shut and told him I'd get him a gift when I had an opportunity to shop?

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Asked by ohwrite at 9:00 PM on Jan. 31, 2012 in General Parenting

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Nope, I think your response was the right one. The fact that he constantly comes and asks you for things is wrong. The fact that the mother is aware of this and lets it continue is criminal. Think how that boy is going to grow up.

Answer by kmath at 9:03 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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Honestly, I am a bit snarky so i probably would of said something like that. Im sorry but that is just beyond rude, I wouldnt be buying the kid anything either.

Answer by Mrs_Harsh at 9:04 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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No, I don't think you were mean. I agree, it is very rude for someone to ask for a present, especially when this kid isn't your relative. Maybe you should have a talk with his mom. I'd feel bad, too, if this happened with us. But I don't think you were out of line.

Answer by Raine2001 at 9:05 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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In a way I think you were because it sounds like you have meore or less trained him to expect gifts from you. Hindsight is wonderful but you should never have started especially since you are not friends and I am guessing your kids aren't friends.

I think I would take it to his mother and have a chat with her. Explain the situation and that though her son seems like a nice boy you simply can not afford gifts for people who are not your family. Take some of the responsibility or the situation but certainly not all.

Ask her to have a chat with her son to explain that it is not nice to ask for gifts and that people do not owe you gifts. Tesll her also there will be none in the future and stick to it.

Answer by Dardenella at 9:07 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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He comes from a really bad family situation. His mother isn't quite 'right' mentally, I'm not sure about the dad. Trying to have a normal conversation is very difficult. In fact, I do everything I can to avoid talking to her because you can't follow the conversation.

I agree with you Dardenella. I shouldn't have given him the first gift after he asked, but I see how little he has, and how he is living and I feel bad for him.

I probably just screwed up, but I just put a $5 bill in a card and sent it over with my son because I felt so bad.

Comment by ohwrite (original poster) at 9:13 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
Credits: 45519 Level 30 General Parenting Minor
I'm a firm believer in 'it takes a village', so I feel like what you said was absolutely beneficial to the child. At 9, if he expects something from others just BECAUSE, then he is in for a long, hard road. The gift of giving is something that should not be expected, and if he continues to believe that others are simply going to GIVE him everything he wants and needs, then he will surely end up in a sad place. This is a good lesson for the child. He should be encouraged to do chores and earn those things he desires. Good work ethic is not a bad thing.

Answer by kenzie07 at 9:37 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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Just because you've extended kindness in the past does not mean it should be expected. I am sorry his home life isn't perfect, which makes me sad but that said, he cannot knock on people's doors and ask for handouts. If he has food, shelter and a guardian, then he is being cared for. If he were a relative that might be different. A tough lesson for him but the things he's asking for are expensive...but that's not the point. You are being used either by him unknowingly or the parents.

Answer by Anonymous at 9:47 PM on Jan. 31, 2012

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I suppose he needed to hear it, because it is rude to expect, but by what you describe, I don't think it is his fault that he is like that. Like you said, he is probably being sent to ask for these things, and definitely isn't being taught manners. Sounds like a sad situation.

Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 9:58 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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It is a terribly sad situation. That's why I feel so bad. I don't think he's being a spoiled brat, I think he's just being raised in an unhealthy situation.

Comment by ohwrite (original poster) at 10:00 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
Credits: 45519 Level 30 General Parenting Minor
I think you said exactly the right thing. Goes to show how times have changed. When I was growing up, I was taught that you dont ask people for things, you get what you earn, and you are THANKFUL for the things you may be fortunate enough to receive. My response is shame on his parents for allowing him (or possibly encouraging him) to come to a neighbor and ask for gifts....I mean its not a cup a sugar he's asking for!

Answer by jennd.yates at 10:27 PM on Jan. 31, 2012
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