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Adoptive Mothers... Did the adoption process take a toll on your marriage?

I am wondering, Did the adoption process take a toll on your marriage?

For my husband and myself, it has... A 3 year process... From signing with an agency, independant adoption falling thru a month before baby was due and a week after painting nursery, searching thru foster children listings 3x's a week for 3 hours, being matched with a child in 18 hours away, driving down and spending a week and $5,000, coming home and awaiting ICPC, finding out 2 weeks later foster parents adopted child behind our back, almost matched with another child out of state. We then come down to being one of two families considered for a child that had spent entire life in hospital due to severe complex medical needs, for childs 4th birthday we drove 18 hours to meet child and caseworker, spent a couple of days, came home and awaiting the match meeting a week later between us and other family. We are matched, then go thru process to become foster parents to speed up ICPC, then await medical transport of our child home to us. Child has blossomed ih our home, and with team of specialists. Average 2-3 visits a month to childrens hospital 1 1/2 hours away, ans have had 3 hospital stays there, and we have 2 upcoming surgeries. ICPC and finalization took a year to finalize, 2 months ago! From beginning to end, a 3 year process... I now realize I have beeh so consumed over those 3 years with the adoption process and our childs medical care, that husband and I grew apart... We are now working on building our marriage and family relatiinships stronger...

 
TiffyTaffyApple

Asked by TiffyTaffyApple at 4:49 PM on Feb. 6, 2012 in Adoption

Level 10 (449 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • With a story like yours, I cannot imagine how it could not take a toll on your marriage. Even if you had just the last part as your story, caring for a child with extreme medical needs, I would fully expect it to weigh on your marriage. And even down to, parenthood, via any method, inevitably effects the marriage on some level. I am glad you are working on building ways to reconnect and be stronger! Best of luck!
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 6:40 AM on Mar. 15, 2012

  • Also, you have a medically fragile child. Many parents with children who have special or different needs are stressed. With or without adoption part of that process. Throw in adoption and it can be hard. I would guess you are not the only ones who have been there and doing that - but I wonder how many people don't talk about it? If parents had others who could share, is it helpful to know they made it to the other side and better off for it?
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 6:50 PM on Feb. 7, 2012

  • Long story short, the PI found my 5 brothers and sisters. The first time I spoke on the phone with them, hubby cried longer and harder than I did. He finally GOT it.
    I'm thankful that he loved me enough to stick it out with me. And that he and my children have even more family now that love them.
    It was soooo worth sticking to my guns- but it didn't need to be that way. OPEN records for ALL adult adoptees!
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:51 AM on Feb. 8, 2012

  • Simply, no.

    However, in comparison to your process, ours was pretty easy.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 12:14 AM on Feb. 7, 2012

  • No. But my husband is Mr. Relaxed at patient. We also are older and had been with each other for over a dozen years before deciding the time is right to parent. It was an emotional trip for sure but never did our marriage become stressed. When we hit an adoption low we took time off together and spent it relaxing and regrouping at a lake house for several weeks before facing the world again. It was our way of healing. I certainly think people go through it in their own way.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 6:45 PM on Feb. 7, 2012

  • No, not stress from adopting~ but dh and I did go 'round and round some more about me searching for my family lost to adoption. I heard alot of BS from him for doing it. "she didnt want you then, what makes you think she'd want you now?", "don't open THAT can of worms". We fought about my online time searching and in adoption forums like this. He would get so angry at me for 'pouring my heart out to strangers' and not him (? maybe because he was so negative about it all?) and I admit- I lost sleep, and time attention on him and my kids. there were pelnty of nights I'd toss PBJ sandwiches at them for dinner and rush back to the computer.
    The final straw was when I hired a PI and put the fee $X,XXX on the CC without asking him. I knew that there was a very real chance I'd damage and even loose my marriage. Didnt matter....no one was going to tell me ever again you CANT attempt to know your truth.
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 3:50 AM on Feb. 8, 2012

  • However, in comparison to your process, others seems pretty easy.
    GlitteribonMom

    Answer by GlitteribonMom at 11:12 AM on Feb. 9, 2012