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how do you get your 10yr old to start acting responsible?

My 10 yr old daughter will not act responsibly. we have tried punishing her, taking away fun activities and even tried telling her when she shows us she is responsible she can cook in the kitchen w/ me but that has not made her change her ways.

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Asked by CriciB at 4:20 PM on Jan. 17, 2009 in Tweens (9-12)

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Answers (13)
  • i would LOVE the answer to this!! my niece who is 9 years old is more responsible with her siblings and helps out alot around the house for her mom then my 10 year old does, granted, they are still kids, yes, but they need to learn responsiblity some how and can start at any age.

    my nieghbor says that the only reason my kids who are 10, 8 and 7 dont do nothing like pick up after themselves or take any responsibility for anything is because the kids know that it will get done by someone else no matter what. guess what? after thinking about how much i yell at them to do this and that, im always the one that ends up doing it!!!!

    Answer by americansugar80 at 4:25 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • I'm looking for anwers, too. I know it is somewhat dependent on personality -- my 7 year old DS is way more responsible than my 9.5 year old DD.

    Answer by at 5:36 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • Perhaps she's not ready to be that responsible. I wouldn't allow my ten yr old grandchild to cook in the kitchen without supervision. Let's not be in a hurry to make these kids into mini adults. Let your child be a child for a while. If she wants to cook then cook with her. Show her responsible behavior. Teach her what you want her to know. Doing it together can be fun and rewarding.

    Answer by admckenzie at 7:19 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • These are kids. They are not adults - and therefore should not have very much responsibility beyond keeping their room reasonably picked up, and doing their homework.
    What else do you expect?
    My 11 year old helps watch her sisters if they are all playing outside, etc. I expect her to look our for their safety, but not to raise them.

    Answer by 3gymnastsmom at 9:42 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • Just start by taking baby steps. I started by doing fun baking with my boys in the kitchen, so they were able to learn the simple stuff. Now they are older and with each one have slowly instructed them on how to warm simple foods in the microwave or warm something up on the stove. My oldest boy is also a Boy Scout and he has to help prepare his meals when he is camping. This has taught him to be more responsible in the kitchen. Something you may want to try is pick a night that she is to choose what is to be on the menu. From there, let her help with making sure you have all the ingredients and shop if necessary. Help her prepare the meal and try to let her ask questions and for help. This will get her mind and body involved and she will be proud of her accomplishment. (If she burns it, she eats it) then she may ask you for more help next time. She needs to help clean up also.Good luck.

    Answer by jennymomof2boys at 1:36 AM on Jan. 19, 2009

  • It's something that happens over time. You have to add more and more for them to learn. My 10 year old is very responsible and quite mature for his age. He keeps his room clean, hangs up his clothes, does all the work he should without much prompting unless he has questions(he's homeschooled), etc. I'm not really sure what I did, I'm sure it's because of many things over the years, but so far so good.

    Answer by Pauline3283 at 8:29 PM on Jan. 19, 2009

  • ok like duh i wouldn't let my kid who is only 10 cook in the kitchen alone i am not stupid......she wants to be able to help. Also no i don't want her to raise my other children either. she simply doesn't care to clean her room and doesn't care whatever the punishment is. she has chores just like the rest of my children do. she is the only one who doesn't care what the punishment is. we even have trouble w/ her in school and being responsible.....she is in 5th grade and we all know that is when they start preparing you for middle school. with that said if the teacher doesn't stand over and make sure her homework is turned in she would rarely turn it in. generally she makes good grades and she gets to go to chores (which she loves), but when the grades fall she is out of chores again till they come up. i thought this would also help w/ helping her be responsible but i was wrong yet again. so now what say you?

    Answer by CriciB at 9:57 AM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • It is possible she has a touch of ADD, not worth medicating, but worth knowing. Use the same behavior therapies that work for ADD. Use charts to help her remember what she needs to do. Give her a reward bank to select from if she does well enough. Let her choose the rewards that go into the bank. Give out stars for the specified thing she completes. For every so many stars let her pick from her reward box.

    It sounds like she just doesn't see the point in being responsible. If she starts to equate responsibility with positive feedback, she may start showing a bit more.

    With my daughter, I just gave her responsibility and she stepped to the plate. My son who is less than a year younger has half the responsibilities. I use the method I said above with him to bring him to his full potential, but I wouldn't expect him to be like his sister because he is his own person with his own strengths.

    Answer by yakara77 at 10:18 AM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • I think it is an individual thing.....she may be less organized by nature. There is no benefit to her for forgetting to hand in her homework, so you have to think she isn't doing it on purpose. You say she loves helping out around the it is not that she is irresponsible, as much as she has trouble keeping herself organized enough to keep track of things herself. This is genuinely difficult for some people---of any age. Just because the schools decide 5th grade is the age to start doesn't mean all the kids are ready. I agree with teaching them to become ready, but they are all at different stages of readiness. Help her develop strategies, but acknowledge that it is difficult for her and give her credit for trying or for improving in little ways.

    Answer by BJoan at 10:35 AM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • to above poster, I believe she meant to say her daughter loves chorus, not chores :P

    Answer by SandraB383 at 1:19 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

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