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Money and Adoption:

We are adopting a little boy at birth in March. Both the mother and the father agree and everything is set to go. But lately {in the last couple of weeks} they have been asking about money. They seem to think it's normal for adoptive parents to pay birthparents for their child. I know surrogate mothers get paid, but isn't it completely illegal for us to give them money since we are adopting? I have been worried since all the talk of money they are going to threaten us by saying we have to pay them say $100,000 or they won't let us adopt. Althought we financially could pay that amount we refuse to do anything unethical or illegal. I thought adoption was about finding a loving, safe home for a child - not about baby selling. Should we walk away from these birthparents? We have already paid their regular bills so the bank didn't forclose on their house and I think we were even in the wrong there....cont....

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on Jan. 17, 2009 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (28)
  • My suggestion is that you let your attorney know everything that is going on. Have him or her speak to the birthparents about the situation and explain it to them how illegal what they are suggesting is. Also explain to them that if they keep demanding money that you will report them to social services. I notice you say they have other children that they are parenting, do they realize if they're reported they might very well lose their children to social services? I know that sounds nasty, but it sounds to me as if they are rotten people and maybe they should be reported.
    Definitely speak to your attorney immediately though. In some states, the birthparents even have to reimburse you legal/legit expenses paid by you and your husband if they change their mind. Just make sure everything is legal so nothing bad happens. You have to think how this will affect the child.
    Jill42721

    Answer by Jill42721 at 9:41 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • CONT.....We paid their house payment because the bank was getting ready to repo their house and we didn't want them homeless. Mind you, we would have done this anyway and it had nothing to do with the adoption. We were just helping out some friends and their two kids. We've known them since the birthmom was only a couple months pregnant and have come to love them and see them as friends. But now feel we're being taken advantage of. What should we do?????????
    Thank you for any advice in advance.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • NO. you dont have to pay them anything.

    when you say everything is ready to go means everything legal with the lawyers ect is set right?!

    Then you dont have to do anything. just wait for the baby to arrive.

    Its a very great thing of you and your hubby adopting a child. but you dont have to let them make you pay for anything.

    i wish you goo lcuk
    m.robertson811

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 5:31 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • The actual paperwork can't be done until the baby is born, but we're all in agreement. Granted they could change their mind, but they've made it clear that they really don't want to parent this child and I don't think they'll change their mind about adoption. But might go with other adopting parents if they get someone willing to pay.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:36 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • No you arent supposed to pay them. This is why you need a lawyer to handle all of that. They have clear contracts and make sure nothing is done wrong. If you dont have a lawyer get one.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 5:45 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • We do have an attorney. And that's what she's told us (our attorney) and what we've told them. But they seem to want some under the table type of deal. It's so scary to us. We've already lost 3 children who were stillborn and have had 2 failed adoptions. We feel like we're about to loose another child because they are getting money hungry.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:49 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • First off, I wish you many blessings in becoming a parent to a child that is meant for you. In short , this is illegal, I hope you have contacted YOUR attorney, if not, I would be asking myself ...WHY? I most DEFINATELY would have , as soon as this subject was brought up. Now , noting that this child is not YOURS until the potential Firstmom and Dad sign the TPR, AND ALL IS finalized, I would be asking what is behind their motives. I would not even be communicating with them until all is discussed legally. You, by admission to discussing this , have already given them an out, if they so choose . Meaning you have nothing to lose, by contacting your attorney, of which should have been immediately! It IS illegal to SELL a baby! You also state,"we would have done this anyway, and it had nothing to do with the adoption."..."cont..
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 5:49 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • Oh dear! It is completely illegal for them to try to receive that type of payment and to insinuate that if you don't the will move on to another family. You are under NO obligation to pay the expectant couple ANYTHING that isn't agreed to through your lawyer.

    My concern is, let's say the placement does happen (money or no money) - if they believe that they can motivate you through fear or guilt, how will that play out post-adoption?
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 5:56 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • I'm in complete agreement with PortAngels1969. We're adopting in February (a little girl) and I know the horrors of having a stillborn child. It's absolutely the hardest thing ever. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    You can NOT pay the birthparents anything. Even paying their bills is really risky and not legal. Let them know what the law states and also let them know if they sell to the highest bidder you'll report them! That's what I would do.
    I really hope your adoption goes well. Good luck.
    Jill42721

    Answer by Jill42721 at 5:59 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

  • "although we could financially pay that amount , we refuse to do anything unethical, or illegal. One must ask themselves..What are the reasons I am doing these things? Did you not get legal counsel on paying their bills? If so, what were you told? Adoption is about , a mutual agreement with a Mother whom cannot and wishes not to parent...for what ever the reason. The Mother agreeing to adoption, cannot and will not know this , until AFTER her child arrives. Then and only then AFTER she has spent a considerable amount of time with her child, and the TPR is signed, and a Judge orders this decree, is it legally YOUR baby. Do not commit to this adoption...walk away...there is a child out there, waiting for you to be its mother! Besides, would you want YOUR child to know you purchased him/her? I would not! Blessings..C.J
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 6:03 PM on Jan. 17, 2009

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