Paying for college

Me and my DH each have 2 children. We are going through a little bit of a financial hardship, his hours have been cut in have, he used to work about 50 a week, now he is down to 20-25, I also work full time but right now, it's about 30% of our income is gone. he has looked but he can't find another job. I can pick up an extra shift (I am a nurse and I work 3 12 hour shifts a week but it is very hard to work another shift). His DD who is his oldest was talking about colleges she was telling him about the ones she wants to go to and the costs. I took him aside and said "does she expect us to pay for part of college because we don't have the money". He told me that before we got married and before his hours were cut, he promised to pay 25% of her out of pocket costs. I told him he is going to have to tell her we can't, the only way we can come up with the money is if I were to work extra for it and I am not willing to. For one, that extra shift is what I pick up if something happens, if the car breaks down or some other thing we have to take care of, what happens when I am giving that money to her? And two, my kids are both in college and I don't pay for college, at all. They both got 100% scholarships that include dorm costs and they work part time they also tutor part time for the college. I see them once or twice a week and when I see them, I might give them a $20 or something like if I notice my son needs a haircut or sometimes when we are at the mall, I might buy them something but it's nothing that they count on. My DH feels that since he promised, we should pay 25%, I told him if he can find the money with still contributing at least what he currently is to the household fine but I am not working extra. Am I wrong? I didn't do it for my own kids, why should I be expected to do it for my step DD?

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Asked by Anonymous at 3:23 AM on Feb. 13, 2012 in Parenting Debate

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no you are not wrong. IF he wants to help her he should get a part time job .

Answer by gwen20 at 3:39 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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That is what I was thinking but he hasn't been able to find a part time or full time job. Even walmart and Mcdonalds in our town arent' hiring because so many people need jobs. He also wants to give her the money he saves on child support once she graduates from high school since he will only be paying for her brother but I told him, he can put that money into the household so that maybe I don't have to work overtime to help support us while he is working part time.

Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:00 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
I get where you're coming from. I also understand his desire to want to help her pay for college. BUT - here's the thing... If she's old enough to go to college, then she should be old enough to understand basic economics, and she should understand that when he made that promise, he had more money, but his financial situation has changed, so he can't.

He should also sit down with her and help her fill out her FAFSA stuff, because with his reduced income (I don't know if this is possible, but if you can, your income shouldn't be factored in, since you aren't her parent.) - then there's a good chance that his lower income will qualify her for more than he would have been able to contribute anyway...

Answer by sailorwifenmom at 4:20 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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You are not wrong. He made that agreement with his kids not you. She is old enough to understand about money. That he does not have anymore. So he expects you to pay all the bills and he give all his money to his kids? You guys need to have a good talk about money. Hope you informed him you are not paying for his kids college?

Answer by louise2 at 5:08 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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I think that his promise of 25% was from the parents, not the father and step-mother.

there are thousands of scholarships out there. Since your spouse has had his hours cut, he needs to spend some time getting to know Fastweb.com

Answer by rkoloms at 6:09 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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I am one of four kids and the only one to go to college. My parents initially said they would help, but my oldest sister began grumbling that why should I get money to go to college and if I got money for college she should get money too blah, blah blah. My parents pulled me aside and said they were proud of me but they couldn't give me the money because they couldn't afford to give all my siblings money. I put myself through college. No hard feelings. If she has a fit about it, then she isn't very mature and maybe should join the 'real' world for a bit to realize that the economy currently sucks and should grow up a bit.

Answer by layh41407 at 6:17 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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I think as long as you aren't paying for your kids education, then it's fine to expect her to pay it all on her own. He can tell her that the situation has changed and he's not able to help her out right now. He can offer to help her fill out her FAFSA paperwork and look for scholarships. Anything that's left over, she can apply for scholarships for and get a part time job - plenty of people work and go to school.
Also, it may make her a little pickier about which schools she goes to based on costs!

Answer by missanc at 8:02 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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She should be old enough to understand if her father explains the financial situation to her.

Answer by katiemomNY at 9:05 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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If he made her a promise he has to follow through. If it is not done she will blame you for it which will cause many many problems down the road.

Answer by gemgem at 9:09 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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I think there is no "right answer" when it comes to deciding about contributing to or paying for college. I think families/parents have to come to conclusions for themselves & I think it's ideal for parents own their decisions as theirs (I mean "own their decisions" explicitly as their choice rather than as "right," "fair," "reasonable" or "necessary" as if anyone who is unhappy with it is unjustly upset or has unreasonable expectations.)
It is not as if it's "just" a choice or NOT based on real factors & limitations; just that we own the decision (the fact that we chose to rule out some options/possibilities, etc.) I think most of us DO strive to be fair & reasonable when coming to a conclusion, but when we assume the mantle of "right" in relation to someone else involved in or affected by the decision (in order to protect or validate ourselves), we risk unnecessary alienation & misunderstanding.
It's a question of process.

Answer by girlwithC at 10:02 AM on Feb. 13, 2012
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