Depressed mama

I just had my third child almost 4 weeks ago. Ever since i found out about the pregnancy my two girls have felt they dont have to listen to me and do everything i tell them not to do. They back talk and tell me im not the boss and they destroy my stuff. The last week or two has just been that much worse. Neither one of my girls has had any consideration for anything. My youngest walks all over me and treats me like shit. She stomps her feet and screams when i tell her to take a nap and gets into everything possible. Tonight we found toilet paper and water in the basement sink and wet toilet paper on the carpet. The oldest blames everything on sissy and enjoys lieing to me about everything. I have to tell them over and over to do something. I am up most of the night with a newborn then get them ready for school. Sometimes i can go back to sleep and sometimes i cant. I made a little mermaid cake so i could practice bc my youngest daughters bday is in 3 weeks and as soon as no one is around, she tears into it and ruins it. I baked a cake last night for a guy that works w my husband and she dug into it this morning. I am getting depressed wondering what i did so wrong to make my kids hate and disrespect me so much. Anyone else go through this with their kids?

Answer Question

SHARE THIS QUESTION:

Asked by agrafel at 8:44 PM on Feb. 13, 2012 in General Parenting

89 Level 5

Answers (10)

First, I think acting out with new baby in the mix is natural. I don't know how old your older kids are but they're probably feeling a little displaced.

I'm not excusing their bad behavior but I'm curious as to what the consequences are for their actions. Kids thrive on boundaries and knowing exactly what is expected of them. Even though you're bone tired (and I know you are) firm and loving discipline needs to happen and it should be very consistent. Once those boundaries are reestablished then I think you'll see a change in the behavior patterns.

Answer by BrawnwynII at 8:49 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 70028 Level 34 General Parenting Minor

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
My kids aren't old enough to be disrespectful but I'll give you a bump. GL :)

Answer by Farrahann at 8:54 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 10653 Level 21 General Parenting 101

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
I think that Brawnwyn gave you some excellent advice. Just remember you are the parent. Only you can fix the issues that are present. You really need to start implementing discipline and consequences. Be consistent.

Answer by m-avi at 9:42 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 97206 Level 38 General Parenting Minor

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
Does your husband help back you up with the kids? I know you are exhausted, but for your own sanity you need to nip this bologna in the bud! Get to them before they start and be VERY consistent with whatever punishment you choose. They need to know mommy is watching and they WILL get the same reaction every single time they step out of line. Now is a terrible time to go through it with you having a newborn to take care of, but the longer you wait to get on them, the longer it will take. If they are of school age, they are old enough to know this is NOT how you act in your home or toward your mother.

Answer by Mom-2-3-Girlz at 10:20 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 69181 Level 34 General Parenting Major

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
My kids are 5 and almost 4. They know what they are not supposed to do. The things they are getting in trouble for are things that they have been in trouble for numerous times. We have tried spanking, timeout, grounding them from tiys, friends, girlscouts etc. They are normally pretty good when my husband is home

Comment by agrafel (original poster) at 10:27 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 89 Level 5
"Anyone else gone through this?" When I had my twins, my relationship with my older child (who was then 4) got very difficult. The pregnancy was difficult, too. It wasn't so much antagonistic or adversarial then but things were harder because I had a lot less to give. Our relationship was solid, plus her dad stepped up a lot & filled many of the gaps, so it took a long time for any deep cracks to show, but it was harder for me to tolerate her feelings (so I was more irritable) and I was just less available. Then when I actually had the babies there to take care of, the overt conflict started.
I look back & feel so sad about that time, sad for me & sad for her. She was 3 1/2 when I got pregnant, and I look at my twins who are that age just now, and I realize how little she truly was. And how hard it must have been for me to become less available to her. She truly "acted out" the way it was inside her. And I was so reactive!

Answer by girlwithC at 11:49 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 6763 Level 19 General Parenting Major

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
(cont)
All of it makes sense--both her behavior & my reactions, and the lacks she experienced from me were so unfortunate but also make sense....I was in a really difficult situation & simply was coping. I don't feel guilty about any of it, but it's all sad. I wish I'd been better supported, or even just had had more understanding for what was going on inside me & why I found it so difficult to tolerate her or to want to be around her (so I could have supported myself more.)
Anyway, I just wanted to say that it can be very hard and as parents I do think we set the tone & people generally behave as badly as they're feeling (parents, too.) Behavior is less about "being disrespectful" or "misbehaving" & more about expressing unmet needs & difficult/painful feelings.
The way I communicated wasn't optimal, so I inadvertently caused a lot of the frustrating stuff. My parenting skills & coping skills badly needed an upgrade!

Answer by girlwithC at 11:57 PM on Feb. 13, 2012
Credits: 6763 Level 19 General Parenting Major

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
Oh yeah, I came back because I didn't intend to say "Yes, it really sucked for me, too" and then nothing more!
Your comments about the cake rang true for me. I remember telling my daughter to get her shoes on so we could go meet Dada in town at a restaurant (I was upstairs nursing then changing the newborns & getting them dressed & into their bucket carseats) and when I finally went downstairs, she was in the kitchen with the refrigerator open, the spice drawer open, and a bunch of stuff on the floor. Some ketchup, a cracked egg, cinnamon, chocolate syrup.... I was so furious (didn't recognize back then the element of self-recrimination that is under any anger, that a lot of anger is about defending against threatening & painful feelings by avoiding them through directing anger/blame outward) and felt so helpless.

I do believe in connection-oriented parenting & was able to transform my experience. There's a website I'll link.

Answer by girlwithC at 12:40 AM on Feb. 14, 2012
Credits: 6763 Level 19 General Parenting Major

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
This is a link directly to the articles page (but there are other resources on the website.) These are topics (if you click on "Fresh Thinking About Childhood Issues," for example, the list of the articles about parenting drops down. Including ones on "Setting Limits" & other behavior/discipline issues, ways to connect & to parent with empathy, and respond to the need that triggers the problematic behavior. I remember "There is no 'throwaway' behavior" was a pretty good read.) Parenting through connection helps you step out of a vicious cycle of becoming more and more punitive & disconnected as your children "act out" more & more. If you're interested, take a look.

http://www.handinhandparenting.org/articles

Answer by girlwithC at 12:47 AM on Feb. 14, 2012
Credits: 6763 Level 19 General Parenting Major

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!
Depression is not normal, and it affects your entire family! Please ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist

Answer by rkoloms at 6:21 AM on Feb. 14, 2012
Credits: 72322 Level 35 General Parenting Degree

Found an answer to your question?
Like us on Facebook!