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Am I a horrible person?

I need some help. This is in regards to my husband and step kids. I feel like when my husbands kids come over on the weekends I no longer have a place in my own home. My husband and I made house rules for the kids before we were even married. When I try to enforce them, I am the bad guy and my husband teams up with the kids. He also favorites his oldest and thinks she can do no wrong while his other 2 get yelled at for the smallest of things (by him). When his oldest is around the rest of us get the shaft. When the kids are not around, everything in the house is great but as soon as Friday comes around he changes into a completely different person and I feel alone. I asked him tonight what time the new bedtime is and he turns to me and angrily says "Whenever the hell I decide to send them to bed!!!". Im sick of feeling like I am the bad guy and like I am not a part of the family and dont belong in my own home. Any advice?

 
1sttimemommy122

Asked by 1sttimemommy122 at 1:27 AM on Jan. 18, 2009 in Relationships

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Answers (13)
  • FIRST OFF LET ME SAY I'M SORRY U GOTTA FEEL THIS WAY. BUT UR NOT ALONE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT. MY STEP DAUGHTER LIVES WITH US I GOT HER WHEN SHE WAS 9YRS OLD AND WAS A RUDE ASS BRAT. WELL I PUT MY FOOT IN HER ASS A FEW TIMES "she tried me " her real mother has never been in the pic shes a crack whore in and out of prison. This child was never taught respect and was daddys lil girl. Untill u put ur foot down it will only get worse. u and ur husband need to talk and u need to ask him what the hell he expects of u, are u supose to sit back and be a good lil wife with ur mouth shut? Tell him how u feel i dont care if it becomes a screaming match u need to get it out,don't hold it in i did and it only made things worse. My step daugheter is now like my own birth child we are very close, so it can happen belive it or not.good luck
    shercarico

    Answer by shercarico at 9:19 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • Be strong and stand your ground. You need to be respected in your house. Continue to talk to your husband about your feelings and try to come to a compromise on the rules.
    hopelessnance

    Answer by hopelessnance at 1:48 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • Tell him that while you are happy that he spends time with his kids, you would also like to be included in the fun... I wouldn't be so worried about rules... seems like dad just likes to spoil. How about while dad does some stuff for older child, you make up a game for the younger ones... I think you just need to relax and let loose, and include your own self into the activities... try doing a movie night.. or taking them out somewhere really fun and exciting.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 3:10 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • While things are going well, during the week, bring up the whole Jekyll/Hyde thing that happens on Friday. Ask him if he realizes it and if he doesn't then point out examples. If he does, just say that while you appreciate that his children are number one in his life, he can't treat you like number two.

    Then, honestly, after you've said your drama-free, tear-free little speech, back up. You're an adult and if you can't handle two days out of the week where you're not the most important person, you need to grow up.
    Wimsey

    Answer by Wimsey at 3:16 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • If you don't have any kids with him then I would take the time he has his kids around and find other things to do without them. Disengaging would be one option.
    Or you could try what Wimsey suggests. But if that doesn't work you might have to disengage yourself from the situation and then ask yourself if you really want a life like that.
    PROGENITOR

    Answer by PROGENITOR at 3:41 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • No not at all, you are not a bad person. It is a common problem to second marriages. I am also on the same boat. My husband's son even disrespect me in front of him but he just laugh about it. One day I couldn't help it anymore he and told the son either he behave himself or get the hell out of my house.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:15 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • Hey you know what, treat him like he does you. If he is acting like this without thought to you, when they get there, go somewhere else, do something else, and maybe he will finally see whats going on. As long as you are there trying to take care of stuff, he will use that to his advantage. Let him see how hard you work and he does what he does. Maybe he will rethink some things. I would do this myself.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:49 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • Actually you aren't part of that family. You are only his wife. You are nothing to them. And you should respect those boundries. The kids are there for him not you. Why don't you go to a spa for the weekend or something just to get out of the house?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:19 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • During the week I'd sit down with him and establish some rules and put them on a big dry erase board. I understand a lot of Dad's dont' wnat to be the bad guy during the visits because they're afraid that the kids won't want to come back but it's rediculous to not establish a routine and set some boundaries. I wouldn't be the bad guy tho, it's almost like he's pitting you and them against each other. I'd join in the fun if he's just not going to carry out the rules. I wouldn't say leave for the weekend, that's not the right thing to do.
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 9:51 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • I think what you are feeling is very normal. The children wan their dad's attention. The dad probably feels guilty for not being with them all of the time so he probably lets a lot of behaviors go. You are the new family memeber that has to find a way to fit into this scenario. You might try sitting down with your husband before the kids come and plan out your weekend. You can do things together as a family and also do things individually with each of the kids. Two of my children are in college and one is married. Our weekends go great when they are all home when I have a plan. We cook together, play games, go to movies, hike, etc. We talk before they come home and develop a plan. This really does help when we're all on the same page. Good luck!
    Lisahi

    Answer by Lisahi at 10:31 AM on Jan. 18, 2009

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