How do I talk to my boyfriend about his little sister's future?

The topic of my boyfriend's little sister (an adopted 3 year old) brings up a myriad of other sensitive issues when we discuss her, or visit his parents' house. She's a surrogate baby and my boyfriend's mother is pushing 70. She's very sensitive about her age and health which is compounded by her need for hip surgery (she's currently using a walker to get by). She even took out a trust in the event that she "doesn't make it" through her surgery. Though I think this is a bit dramatic, I understand that she's very scared.

I have a lot of strong feelings about this whole situation that I keep to myself very well because it is not my place to say anything. However, BF and I have been together for 1 year now and we live together. We've made a lot of adjustments and have begun to casually talk about marriage and our long-term future together. For me, this also involves talking about the future of his baby sister. It's difficult though because this involves him reconciling that his mother is aging rather quickly (we are both 27), and I can see how much this upsets him.

While I feel like taking it in stride would help soften things for him, I feel like it could also be very damaging if we are suddenly saddled with a toddler to help care for. His stepfather won't be able to take cafe of a young one forever either. BF and I both work, and after a long time I've finally found a job that I LOVE. He and I are definitely not ready for the added responsibility of children in our lives just yet (still in recession recovery mode). I don't think either of us would handle any sudden changes very well right now, which is why I'm looking ahead.

I think that as marriage grows closer that we need to start thinking about these things, but I have no idea how to discuss it as it really seems to devastate my boyfriend. It's like he becomes a solemn little boy.

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Asked by bellalana at 4:32 AM on Feb. 17, 2012 in Relationships

69 Level 5

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I agree that it is definitely something you need to talk about before hand because you are going to need to have a plan in place in the event that something does happen. Once a wedding is closer I would sit him down and have a talk. Tell him you know this isn't an easy topic for him but it is something that has to be discussed before the wedding. Have a plan because that will make it much easier. My husband has 2 young sisters and this came up when there was a health scare for his father (his parents are young but his father had a health scare last year that drove us to discuss his sisters' futures). We decided that we would take both of the girls in if anything were to happen to both of his parents, and we set a plan in place for if that were to happen, which includes DH trying to get stationed there so the girls wouldn't be uprooted (they are currently 11 and 13).

Answer by AF4life at 6:32 AM on Feb. 17, 2012
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I get that he doesn't want to think about it, but at some point, he'll have to. And it is something that needs to be discussed before you get married. I don't know that you need to push hard right now, but if the wedding talk changes from casual to serious, then you need to. At that point, I think you just sit down and tell him that you understand it's an unpleasant topic for him, and you hate to depress him, but it needs to be discussed as it is a very real, very unfortunate possibility.

If he continues to refuse to discuss it, keep this in mind: if he refuses to deal with this, what else might he refuse to deal with? It may leave you to be the only one dealing with serious issues in your marriage, and that is something you need to consider along with considering what to do with his sister if their mother passes away.

Answer by wendythewriter at 8:11 AM on Feb. 17, 2012
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If his mother made a trust, I'm sure she has a will. Is he the one that would be officially responsible for her? How old is his sister?

Answer by Anonymous at 8:59 AM on Feb. 17, 2012

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My BF has a VERY hard time talking about his mother who is also in poor health. If I were you, first I'd really consider what I want out of life. Is he "the one" are you positive? because if you intend to spend the rest of your life with this man you need to consider the possibility that this child will eventually be in your care and either accept it or move on. I'd start planning for it myself. Set up a seperate savings fund for potential expenses if you should have to care for the child. If your BF is uncomfortable with talking about it, broach the subject with his mother... lightly and with class... just ask her if there is anything you can do for her and if there are any plans she'd like for you to make for her. She may open up to you about her plans and have a different idea of where she wants the daughter to go in the event of her death. In the mean time, just enjoy your life together. I'll be praying for you all!

Answer by VanessaMomof2 at 11:40 AM on Feb. 17, 2012
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Thank you, everyone, for your in depth responses. It helps just to know that my priorities seem to be in the right order. In response to anonymous, I'm not sure she has a will. We went to dinner at his parents' last night and all she could seem to talk about was her impending surgery, whether or not she would make it, and how much money she spent setting up the trust. It was a VERY uncomfortable dinner. It was my boyfriend's birthday dinner too, and she kept apologizing that she had no time to get a cake because she was desperate to set up the trust. So, no, I don't think she has a will.

I do like the idea of allowing her to open up to me, but I'm very nervous. My boyfriend and I were raised very differently, and his mother is incredibly sensitive. She was on the verge of tears about the birthday cake, even though BF repeatedly told her it was perfectly okay.

Comment by bellalana (original poster) at 1:25 PM on Feb. 17, 2012
Credits: 69 Level 5
Oh, and in response to "Is he the only one who could be responsible for her?" In this current situation, yes. BF's older brother is about 30 years old and still lives in their parents' house. No relationship prospects, just kind of a complete computer nerd. Definitely not the best position for a 3 year old little girl.

Also, BF's half brother lives on the East coast (we're West coast). He is married and has children, so uprooting the LO and placing her with an already established family, away from the family she's known, is also not the best option. My BF and I only live 30 minutes away from his parents' and we just moved into a much bigger apartment. My BF is also the LO's favorite, fun brother.

I would be happy to help care for her, but I know that it will take considerable planning. I've seen how she acts on our visits, and there are definitely going to be some discipline issues.

Comment by bellalana (original poster) at 1:36 PM on Feb. 17, 2012
Credits: 69 Level 5
well, sound like you fell in love with someone who has obligations. no problem with that, we all do, but you DO still have the right not to marry until you are ready, so if that means waiting, so be it. you do plan on being with eachother forever so it shouldnt be hard waiting knowing you're engaged. that's another thing, are you even engaged yet? i wouldn't worry about the sister yet until you are engaged because you're thinking way ahead of yourself. try not to bring it up until things between you and BF get more serious

Answer by lizzybee44 at 6:12 PM on Feb. 23, 2012
Credits: 6235 Level 18 Relationships Minor

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Plus you still don't even know how bad the mother's health is right now anyways. I just had a kidney infection and thought I was going to die, I did not die! So wait until she dies to worry about how you're going to take care of his sister. Am I missing the point here? Or was that your biggest concern?

Answer by lizzybee44 at 6:30 PM on Feb. 23, 2012
Credits: 6235 Level 18 Relationships Minor

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That's my concern, lizzybee. I don't want to wait for her to die to decide what we're going to do with this little girl. It is probably still too early to discuss it, but I guess I just wanted some guidance.

Comment by bellalana (original poster) at 3:03 AM on Feb. 26, 2012
Credits: 69 Level 5

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