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Should I help my son.... or let him work this out on his own?

My oldest is 20. He moved out when he was 18; since then he's moved back home 4 times. Each time I've had to ask him to leave again because he can't mind the rules.... like I caught him smoking pot in my house repeatedly and once he gave it to my youngest son (Rule #1. No drugs). The last time, he went AWOL for two days... when he showed up he was drunk and proceeded to tell me off good.... (Rule #2. Show respect at all times). Now, in the last two years he hasn't held one job for more than a couple of months. I've had to pay off his car (loan was in my name) $2000, catch up his bank account $-778.00, pay his insurance , cell phone, buy everything for him, etc, while he was hateful and disrespectful. I mean really hateful. Like you just say "hey, what's up" and he'd spout off shit like "why? do you care?". Now I know, we love them and we support them. But I drew the line on him living with me and using me. Cont'd

 
PaceMyself

Asked by PaceMyself at 8:10 PM on Jan. 18, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 5 (75 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • Thank you ladies... some of this was hard to hear.... and I was impressed that you all seem to think that I've made a career of bailing him out.... that's not exactly the case.... not exactly..... but you all made me see this from a different perspective. My "not exactly" may just be his "exactly". Hadn't thought of that b4. I'm not going to choose a best answer because you all said it well, even bluntly at times. Again Thank You Moms.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 12:27 PM on Jan. 19, 2009

  • He's been living with a long time friend and his parents. Actually got a job, then lost it cuz he didn't show up for work. Still smoking pot. And now his car is 'throwing a rod' and he wants me to help him get it fixed or buy another one. I told him to go the 7-11 on the corner where he's staying and get a job.....he can walk there. He got pissed and practically hung up on me. He's running me broke.... I don't know what else to do.... is it time to let him stand on his own or fall on his face; whichever he decides. Is it time for me to stop bailing him out?
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 8:12 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • P.S. The mother of a little boy in me wants to make everything better for him.... but the mother of a 20 year old that can't hold a job tells me to let him sleep in this bed he's made.
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 8:14 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • he'll never learn responsibility if mommy is always bailing him out and there to rescue him...
    krazyash023

    Answer by krazyash023 at 8:16 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • I say yes. It is time for you to stop helping him and love him from a distance. It's apparent that everything that goes wrong in his life is your fault. If you step out of the picture then he will have no one but himself to blame. I know it's hard because as moms we want to take care of our kids no matter what age but sometimes it only hurts them.
    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 8:19 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • We had a hard time getting on our feet also. It took many years before we did not have to call family quite often to help us out with one thing or another. My mom was the main person that helped, and we owe her everything because she was there no matter what. However, that said, she did have times that she felt that we had to learn a life lesson or could not help us and did not bail usout. It was really rough in the begining becuase we were used to getting any help we needed, but ya know? we made it just fine and grew stronger each time. We still find ourselves needing a gallon of milk here and there or a pack of diapers but that is like once a year or so now. Help if you want, but it sounds like he needs to do this one on his own if he is not appreciative to you at least.
    vbongard

    Answer by vbongard at 8:20 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • Let him go. It's hard, but he's not making responsible choices, and that won't change as long as he knows you will bail him out. His thought process will always be "Well, Mom can fix it for me." My parents are very helpful to me. They've actually gone so far as to acquire a mortgage so my children and I have a home to live in. But, they did that for me b/c I have a job, I pay all my other bills, and I do what I can to help them pay that mortgage. I thank them profusely for everything they do for me, both with words and with other things, like cooking them a nice dinner, or picking up some things from the store when I shop for them, etc. They know I appreciate everything they do, and they know that when I come to them and ask "Can I borrow___?" that I have looked at every other option and found no way around it. He's not showing you that kind of appreciation, and he should. Let him figure out how to fix his own mistakes.
    tropicalmama

    Answer by tropicalmama at 8:36 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • i have a DD that returned home 4 times and the last time was with her fiance. All we told them was that they were to save their money for deposits and things they would need to set up their house. Now her Dh is mad because we didn't give them a wedding gift and doesn't see us helping them as a gift. They didn't have to buy anything while here.
    Now my second DD is back home after living on her own for a year and she is so ungrateful. She's been here 4 months now and has done the dishes 3 times and taken out garbage twice i think.
    I would say, let him land on his face. He'll learn how to get backk up and get moving again. If I would have known then what i know now, neither one of them would have came home.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:37 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • coming from a child whose parents stopped helping and let me fall on my face I say it's time to stop bailing him out. I am so grateful that my parents stopped helping me because that's when I grew up and started taking responsibility for my actions. Sooner or later you have to let go and let him face it, if you keep enabling him he will never learn. It's hard, and not anything a parent ever wants to do but sometimes the hard road is the only, but better road in the long run......
    lovemybabygirl7

    Answer by lovemybabygirl7 at 8:56 PM on Jan. 18, 2009

  • You're not helping him anymore, now you're hindering. He will never learn if you don't step aside and let life teach him. He will forever be doing these things. You are doing him a disservice if you keep "rescuing" him.
    And, just so you know I'm not just talking out my a**, I have a soon-to-be twenty year old as well. We had to let life teach him "the hard way" because he just didn't seem to want to grow up. It's not easy . But necessary.
    Guinhyvar

    Answer by Guinhyvar at 10:08 PM on Jan. 18, 2009