Would you be mad? or am I overreacting?

Several weeks ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce...I don't feel important at all, he yells, is always right and so much more I don't want to get into. Well, about 2 weeks after I told him this, he starts acting like I never said it...he doesn't want a divorce at all...probably because I've been his sugar momma for 5 years and he hasn't had to hold down a job cause in the back of his mind he knows I will handle things. He has had 3 jobs since we got married...he started the 4th one last night. The first 3 he didn't keep more than 5 months. I told him I wouldn't live this way anymore, he can't just up and quit cause he gets pissed off...we have a family to provide for and I need his help to do that financially, my pay barely covers the bills. He seemed to be trying to straighten up and do better so I was trying to give us another chance since I do love him...

so, anyway, back to my question...he started his new job last night, delivering pizzas...I sent him a text around 9 letting him know my phone battery was dying so I would be unreachable...he responded w/ an okay. So I wake up at 1:20 in the morning and he still isn't home...the pizza place closes at 10...so I figured if he had to help clean, he would be late getting home...no biggie. I had a hard time falling back asleep...at 3:30, he finally comes home, I'm still awake. I had been so worried but since my cell was dead, I couldn't contact him (he had our only charger with him for our phones). I asked how late he got off...he clocked out just after 10 p.m. but had gone to a friend's house and lost track of time. He said he tried to call but it went straight to voicemail so he figured it had died on me.

Now, since my phone was dead and he didn't tell me ahead of time he was going to a friends after work, I think he should have come straight home from work. I'm upset that he didn't even care when he got home that I had been up most of the night worried about him...I lost track of time is all he could say, not even any apology. I come straight home from work everyday unless I have to stop at the store and he always knows when I have to do this. Part of my problem with him is I don't feel I'm important, me or the kids...cause he won't help provide for us and he gets so mad so easily. I told him he made me feel disposable...and he said he didn't want me to feel that way cause he didn't see it that way but actions sure do speak louder than words. I'm just wondering if I'm overreacting...I haven't told him I'm upset cause I didn't want to overreact...and I just know when I tell him I'm upset, it will somehow be my fault cause it is always my fault. I thought things were changing...maybe I was wrong. I got 2 hours of sleep cause I was so upset after he got home and I found out why he was so late. (and he tells me I should be proud of him cause he had self control and didn't get trashed while hanging out with his friend...yeah, okay, whatever is how I feel about that).

Can I get some insight from you ladies...you always have such great advise...I'm just so lost and confused. Would you be upset...before I go telling him how upset he made me, thought maybe I would get others' points...I don't want to fly off the handle for silly reasons if it is. I'm operating on 2 hours of sleep and had to be at work at 8 and don't get off till 5...it has been a long morning and this is bothering me which is making the day even worse. Please help

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Asked by sdks2011 at 11:18 AM on Feb. 22, 2012 in Relationships

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Answers (10)

I don't think you should give up because of this incident. You should tell him that as a husband and father, he is expected to be more mature than his behavior last evening indicated. I would question him as to his thought process about this from start to finish. Listen carefully to what he says. Then tell him, "This is how I would have liked you to have handle this situation." Don't accuse, don't fight or yell. When you tell him how you would have liked him to do it, be very specific. Then tell him you want to hear him apologize for causing you to worry, again telling him exactly what you want to hear. Tell him you need to hear him say it. You can't make him say it and you can't make him mean it if he does, but if he will say it, you will have made progress. I recommend 2 books to you: FOR BETTER OR FOR BEST and THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF APOLOGY. These situations can change. Been there, done that, and still married!

Answer by NannyB. at 12:29 PM on Feb. 22, 2012
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My sister was married to a guy that couldn't hold a job and she was the main bread winner. She also found out that he was having an affair with on old friend of his. They have been divorced now for 16 years. He has never taken any responsibility for either of his 2 kids, who are now 17 and 20.

I think he is a creature of habit and will not change. If he got off at 10 and didn't get home until after 3 am he is still in little boy mode and his needs come first. He will never change. I think you should follow through with the divorce and kick his ass out of the house.

Answer by robinkane at 11:54 AM on Feb. 22, 2012
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Since you told him you wanted a divorce already, I think you know what to do. Sounds like other than the fact he can't keep a job, there are also some trust issues.

Answer by TeachMom41 at 12:11 PM on Feb. 22, 2012
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Being a sugar mama is NOT a marriage. It's over and out.

Answer by gdiamante at 12:16 PM on Feb. 22, 2012
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I love that "lost track of time" excuse. How convenient. Who is he banging?

Answer by tasches at 8:13 PM on Feb. 22, 2012
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sorry so long...felt I needed to explain a few other things to make things more clear

Comment by sdks2011 (original poster) at 11:19 AM on Feb. 22, 2012
Credits: 9157 Level 20 Relationships 101
I would be upset because it is an inconsiderate move on his part. However, if you believe he is telling the truth about calling you to tell you, then he did do what you would have wanted. You can tell him it bothered you without it turning in to a fight...that's not overreacting. I think it is ok to say, "Hey, I'm not looking for an argument, I just wanted to share that it was upsetting you didn't come straight home from work when I didn't know you had plans." Of course, he'll say, "but I tried to call" and you won't be able to prove otherwise.

I would probably just share my feelings, not let it turn in to a fight, and just drop it. Now, if it happens AGAIN...then its a problem and I would look at what you already said -- actions speak louder than words.

Answer by SandyHack at 11:27 AM on Feb. 22, 2012
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Thank you Sandy...I do believe he tried calling but I believe it was after 3 when he realized what time it was and said he freaked out. I don't think he bothered trying me before he went over their...but then again, I'm just speculating based on past experiences with him. I will do my best to tell him it upset me without it turning into a fight. I honestly don't want to fight over it, I just want him to hear my concerns and respect them...but I'm afraid he will take it as an attack and get defensive even though I say I don't want an argument and just want him to hear how it made me feel...his feelings are always more important it seems. I will drop it as soon as I say what I have to say...I'm good at just dropping things...think that might be part of the problem, I'm too scared of him to tell him how I feel cause of how he will react...I have to learn how to stand up for myself better!

Comment by sdks2011 (original poster) at 11:57 AM on Feb. 22, 2012
Credits: 9157 Level 20 Relationships 101
that's what I was afraid I needed to do...it can't just be me who is trying here and I've tried so hard...Thank you robin, that was hard to read but I needed to hear it.

Comment by sdks2011 (original poster) at 11:58 AM on Feb. 22, 2012
Credits: 9157 Level 20 Relationships 101
He was being very inconsiderate of your feelings. You told him ahead of time that your phone was dying. So he took advantage of that time when your phone was dead instead of telling you before that he was going to a friend's house. He sounds a bit selfish to me and I wouldn't put up with that. Come clean with your feelings, tell him honestly how you feel and you won't be putting up with this much longer.

You are strong. Keep telling yourself this. Don't let him walk over you.

Answer by onelove1982 at 1:43 PM on Feb. 22, 2012
Credits: 38285 Level 29 Relationships Major

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