Were we wrong? What can we do, if anything, to help mend this situation.
History: My dh's older son (he's 23) and my dh have had a non-existent relationship with eachother for the last 10years. Son moved out to live with his mom when he was 13 because he didn't like living with military dad's rules. Within 1 year he was in jail for drug possession. Son pretty much disowned his dad because he blamed him for his own mis-steps. There is a lot of history of hurt here but hopefully this gives you a glimpse into the history of "them"
DH history: has struggled with alcohol for most of his adult life - has not been sober for 1 full year and has really made the decision this is the last time of yo-yo-ing. He's not an "typically" alcoholic - he just drinks to mask his own shortcomings (from himself really, because he can't fool his family).
Flash-forward: Son is dating a girl for 6 month and they "decide" to try for a baby (September) (she already has 2 babies from 2 different daddies) - right or wrong, they made the decision and got pregnant. Son decides he should start a relationship again with dad (September). Dad makes it clear that in order for this to work, they both have to let the past be the past.
All is working well for the last 6 months - no drama, no issues, son comes down to visit about every week, etc. Until.... the end of last week, dh and I break the news that we will not be attending the baby shower in April - Reasons: #1 Son will be bartending and dh doesn't want to be around the alcohol (legit. He won't even do holiday's with my family if there will be drinking) #2: Son's mom (who he still lives with with his gf and her son) will be in attendance (dh and she still don't get along) #3: The party will consist of a much younger crowd (who will all be drinking) - we'd rather they just enjoy the time with their friend and we can do something special afterwards.
In lieu of the baby shower/party we told them we wanted to have a special day with them as a family, hang out, have a nice meal and celebrate together. Well.... that didn't go off well at all - Son is BEYOND angry that his dad won't be at the shower (son does have legit anger issues). He told us both that we are officially un-invited from the shower and as far as he is concerned he "doesn't have a family anymore"; dad "is a loser and always will be"; plus all sorts of colorful language and not so creative demeaning names and nasty comments through our initial conversation, a follow-up conversation, texts, vmails. He even threatened to put a bullet in dh head at his brother's football game last Saturday (I talked to my cop friend who patrolled nearby that day - if we file a report there is a good chance son will go to jail because of his past and the fact he just recently got off parole for a drug possession charge)... ~~ he didn't show up to the game on Saturday and hopefully he's calmed down from wanting to hurt or kill anyone. I know, I know, we should file a report anyway... it's just a slippery slope no matter how you handle it.~~
Son's out and out anger has carried on through today, he's been venting to his younger brother (dh 14yo son, my dss) all weekend. We're not worried about 14yo, we have very open communication with him and he's handling this better than I expected (he's a great kid!), but really - it's like the tantrum won't end! We really had no intention of upsetting, offending, angering them, we really were trying to do the right thing both by them and for us - we suspected they might be disappointed, but we sure didn't expect an outlash this grandios! We wanted to make it a special family day to celebrate the new baby, something more heartfelt and meaningful.
So the question is, can this be "repaired", is there anything we can do at this point to make this right? Do we just let time do it's job? Do we even bother pursuing any further relationship with them? This whole thing has us so bummed out, but I'm just not sure what can be done. Son won't let us get in a word edge-wise and just sounds so irrational when you try to talk to him. This is beyond difficult in every way.
Answer by FreeForAll at 2:21 PM on Feb. 29, 2012
Answer by NannyB. at 2:37 PM on Feb. 29, 2012
Answer by mommy_jules at 2:42 PM on Feb. 29, 2012
Answer by DreainCO at 2:56 PM on Feb. 29, 2012
Answer by Anonymous at 5:01 PM on Feb. 29, 2012
Answer by JLS2388 at 5:28 AM on Mar. 2, 2012
Recently Bumped in Parenting