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Couseling vs Divorce

My hubby and I argue too much for too long. We've had "trial separation" with a recent 11 month long deployment (he deployed). I feel myself falling out of love with him. We can't communicate....we both have our way of viewing things and can't see the other's. I suggested counseling but my husband shot it down right away 1.) he did counselling as a kid and hated it, 2.) his career (he's a pilot in the army and can be grounded for mental health issues...this could possible follow him his career). I understand these concerns but I can't see any other option. I refuse to continue life the way it is and we can't see eye to eye to try to "solve it ourselves" (like he feels we should). I've heard of people getting counseling through their church, but we move around so much and don't really have a church. My husband has also never been to church and doesn't like that idea (he still practices religion, just hates church).

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Asked by Anonymous at 4:55 PM on Jan. 20, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Marital counseling is very different from mental health counseling. He doesn't see that. See if you can get him to agree to one meeting with a marital counseler. Have him/her explain what marital counseling is. That may help. Also, try just going to a church in your area, and explain the problem: you move, blah blah, and see if they can offer any advice, suggestions, referrals, etc. I can understand his concerns, but I really don't see how the military could lump marital counseling and mental health counseling together. I would imagine many soldiers and their spouses would need some marital counseling from time to time; it has to be very stressful dealing with that kind of lifestyle. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 5:00 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • There are many, many good books on making marriages better. There are books for husbands and books for wives and there are books for couples. You could get one and the two of you could read a few pages in it together in the evening. There are even books that speak to dealing with specific issues in marriage. It is such a shame that there isn't a handbook that everyone has to read before marriage. We all come in with such high expectations and then we get disappointed. If you want to check out some books, go to Christian Book Distributors on line or to any Christian bookstore, and you will find numerous titles.

    Answer by NannyB. at 5:39 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • I'm not quite sure what "expectations" you speak of since I was not specificin mentioning our problems. That was merely a kick while I'm down. If you could please keep your answers helpful, it would be greatly appreciated. I do appreciate the idea of books and will look into that, thank you!

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:19 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • First, do not give up on your marriage. You are falling out of love because of lack of communication/attention. You guys are putting all your energy into arguments. When ever he starts with his arguments TRY(I know it's hard) sitting back , let him spill his gutts out and when he's done ask him "are you done? Whether he says yes or no simply say "Well honey I love you too much to argue back. I'm sorry you feel that way, I want for us to be happy so what can we do to make matters better". The bible has the best advise however; you have to practice what it says. God will never lead you down the wrong path! Look into the Dr. Gary Chapman books they are great especially the 5 love languages. Good luck!

    Answer by Jeannie29 at 6:33 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • maybe he'll stay deployed or be sent tdy a lot and you can live your own life and maintain the security of married life. That's what a lot of wives in our air force community do.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • My husband is stubborn and proud of his own thoughts. The only one that can set him straight is God. My husband was under the assumption that all things between man and wife were to be private, so counseling was a joke to him. Also my husband was misinformed that women were to obey their husbands and that husbands had the right to chastise their wives if they got out of line. I had no idea when I married him that he thought that way! Anyway ,my husband doesn't read the Bible, I read it to him. When we argue I remind him about the character of Jesus. The Bible is a WEALTH of relationship knowledge. (2nd Peter, etc)
    Don't give up. He won't always be away. Keep your expectations low - and your forgiveness high. Good luck :- )

    Answer by Suzle at 7:13 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • you can't make him do what you want him to do. he has to want it too. if you are sure there is no other way, maybe compromise with a trusted, older, happily married, family friend?

    Answer by princezzmommie at 8:10 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • If your husband (and I am not saying he is, I'm covering my bases) is abusive physically then my suggestion is that you need to get counseling from a domestic violence organization. Usually counseling is on a sliding scale fee in these agencies. They can also assist you in your options. Second, if he is opposed to counseling that doesn't mean that you can't go if you want to change things on your end. In the end - here is some practical truth soup: you can only change yourself. So here it you, knowing that most likely he will not change, want to try and make changes to yourself about how you think, feel and respond to him? If yes, then see a counselor. If the answer is no - then you have your answer, divorce is what you are most likely seeking.


    Answer by frogdawg at 8:56 PM on Jan. 20, 2009

  • thanks frogdawg im going threw the same thing she is and im not sure if my marriage is going to work out or not im married but im a single mother also and no he wont change for anyone even me

    Answer by nakita72 at 8:21 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

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