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how doy you deal with a man who gave up all rights and never wanted to see my son for 24 yrs.now wants too!

he gave the info to his 2 daughters who found him on myspace to look him up and now even wants to meet my grand daughter!my husband and i raised,supported and loved him all his life and now he wants to meet him, my son says no but he does want to meet his sisters which is not possible without meeting him since they live with him in texas.i am very angry and dont know how to deal with this since he is an adult now.he doesnt want to hurt us by meeting his sisters but he knows their father will try and talk to him ,hes alreaady offering to pay for his ticket if he will just talk to him.my son says no way he will find away on his own which he plans on doing at tax time which is very soon!they contacted him last april and he has been talkin to his sisters ever since but not him even tough he tries.how am i suppose to deal with this? there is no text book for this one and im not even sure if there is any similar case ??

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heidi331985

Asked by heidi331985 at 9:25 PM on Jan. 21, 2009 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • I'm sorry but with them being adults, you can do anything and you may have them turn against you for trying to do otherwise. So sorry.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • My best suggestion is to let your son know that you support whatever he does. It is your son's choice if he wants to meet his birthdad and his sisters regardless of your relationship (or lack there of) with the father. A suggestion is to reach out to people who've been adopted and birthparents or adoptive parents, they have all gone thru something very similar to this, although he's YOUR son. I am an adoptee who recently reunited with my birthfamily. If you have any questions or anything, don't hesitate to message me, I'm happy to help.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 9:28 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • it sounds like your son has a good head on his sholders. i mean he wants to pay his own way, he really only wants to go to see his sisters. its not like he's looking for a father figure, he seems to already have one in your husband. i wouldnt worry to much about it (i know easier said than done). Just support him in decision.
    Chandra034

    Answer by Chandra034 at 9:31 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • Are you saying that this "child" is now 24 years old? So why would you need to be involved anyway? This "child" is a complete adult. No matter who raised him or loved him the most, which I'm sure that you did. Children who were adopted or who at least where raised without a birth parent invariably look for their BP later on. And while this man gave up his rights to his child, and we don't know all the details to the reason, I have to be balanced as I am currently in the same position.
    lifeasinoit

    Answer by lifeasinoit at 9:35 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • continued...I have a son who has poss. fathered a child (no dna test done yet) and the mother is soo out of control emotionally, that she is forbidding my son ( who has good character, who is kind, but has made this mistake with the wrong woman) to co-parent. I have gotten counceling as how to handle the fact that unless my son is willing to spend thousands of dollars in court costs to battle this girl, and then stay in financial straits to pay child support, we will have to allow the child to be raised by the birth mother. This distresses us so, but the councelor and lawyer have both agreed that this is best for the child. Do we hope that one day the child will come looking? You Bet!
    lifeasinoit

    Answer by lifeasinoit at 9:36 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • What you & your husband have taught your son on love, respect and compassion for years will not be taken away by someone in a day or ever. All you need to do is be a loving mother to him & respect whatever choices he may make. The best thing you can do is leave any insecurites behind & know that your son will always be there no matter who comes into his life. I'm sure your son has his own burdens to deal with so showing him that he will only hurt you if he meets his Bio. Father will only cause him to have deeper emotions. He needs to meet his sisters & if he can find answers to any questions that he may have been carring around with him, This would be the best oppertunity. My Bio. Father came into my life when I was in my late 20's & I met 2 wonderful sisters & one brother.
    onespecialmom

    Answer by onespecialmom at 9:49 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • CONTINUED....They are still in my life but when I was younger, I didn't want to try to look for my father because of fear of hurting my mother. As I became older & told my mom about my concerns she gave me her blessing & told me that I had nothing to worry about, She would be okay with me meeting him. I'm really glad that I did because I learned a lot about my own characteristics. My father was with me for a wonderful 3 years & then passed away. My feelings for my mother & the father who raised me are still very important to me & the love for them has never changed...
    onespecialmom

    Answer by onespecialmom at 9:49 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • You don't have to deal with the situation per se, that is your son's to deal with. You have to deal with your emotions. If you can come to terms with it yourself, do so. I would see out a counselor to talk to. Someone objective, who can help you work it through. Your son's desire to see his father does not minimize his feelings for you and your husband. He needs to be free to see his natural father without having to consider your feelings. I would let nature take it's course even if it would be threatening to me to do so. To do otherwise will strain your relationship son.
    happi-ladi

    Answer by happi-ladi at 10:11 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • I understand you are angry but let the dad make his peace here.It's up to the kids.I wouldn't stand in the way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:44 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

  • Just support whatever decision your son decides to make. He does have to right to meet is Biological father if he wants. I can understand him wanting to meet his sisters. My father didn't give up his rights but I wish he had. He tried to come back into my life after being gone for 17 years and didn't do such a hot job.
    coala

    Answer by coala at 10:50 PM on Jan. 21, 2009

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