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how to leave a guy you have been with for ten years off and on

had left this abuser and fell in love with some one else while away. But was not planning on going back to my ex and ended up doing just that. We were engaged. And I loved him but was not in love with him. My love for him is there but im not in love. My new guy has asked me to marry him i accepted, and I'm having trouble leaving the other one. How do i do it

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:01 AM on Jan. 22, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Honestly, you need to tell both of them that you are not ready for a serious relationship right now. You do not have a clear understanding of what you want nor who you want. Until you figure that out, nothing is going to work for you. Women must learn who they are without a man before they can know what they want in a man and how to choose a man. There is confusion in your thinking and there will be confusion in every relationship until you get your mind around what you will and will not tolerate. Then you can look for someone who meets your qualifications instead of always being willing to meet theirs. You have work to do!

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:07 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • It sounds like you have some things that you need to work on. You need to sit back and truly think about what you want and what you need. What is good for YOU. You mentioned your ex is an abuser...but that you love him. I can understand that. You want to love him enough to help him-but it isn't going to work. Is that the reason why you keep going back? You are hoping he changes? That you loving him can change him?

    Answer by Lacey1012 at 9:18 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Sweetie, that isn't the case. That isn't how it works. You said that you love him but aren't in love with him-it's good you know the difference. But it really does sound like you need to take some time to get yourself together and on your feet emotionally. If the new man understands that and accepts that-then he'll wait for the right time..and that's when you are ready to devote 100% of yourself to him and your marriage. Good luck.

    Answer by Lacey1012 at 9:18 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • If the man truly is a great guy, & a best friend, then I believe he can help her learn who she really is. I know my love has helped me learn more about myself, & i love him even more for that. My advise, do you know this new guy well? If not tell him to wait at least 1 year AT LEAST. I recommend 2 years, but you seem to be in a hurry to get married. There is no sweet way to break off a 10 year relationship, grow some balls & tell him it's over. No nice way to do it. It won't take long & as soon as it's over you'll feel fantastic about it, and you can move on to your next adventure. Just do it, that's the main problem. You could always write a letter, but that is chicken too. But if your scared of him, that may be the way to do it.


    Answer by samurai_chica at 9:24 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • are you saying that you want to be with the abuser?

    Answer by halfpint6niner at 10:14 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Well said NannyB! I have taken time after I left my husband to find myself and grow into the person I want to be...lots of people can't except that and pitty me for being alone now. It has been so liberating and I only have to focus on my daughter and myself. I have begun to find myself again...I used to be codependant and I want to go into a relationship strong and whole...loved your advice!

    Answer by ria7 at 10:42 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Your post is a bit confusing but if the one you can't let go of is the abuser, it's a toxic bond. It's not love. Abusers always try to keep the bond to pull you back in whenever they want. Cut the cord. Let it go. It's over. Don't look back.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:10 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • I agree with NannyB!!!
    When I left my fiance after being together a total of 5 years--2 months before the wedding, I completely swore off men (even innocent little coffee dates!) for 18 MONTHS!!! Then, I met my now husband, we dated for 5 months when he proposed...we married 8 months thereafter, and that was 14 years ago...never been happier!


    Answer by Anonymous at 11:18 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • In those 18 MONTHS of building myself up, I decided what I would and would not tolerate in my next relationship, and held to it. I decided that if I had to "settle" on a man, just to have one, that I would not be being true to myself, and I knew I would never really be happy. And, if I never found my Mr. Right, that would have been fine too, as I was content being alone and doing whatever it was that made me happy. No woman should NEED a man in order to feel fulfilled. A man should come along AFTER you have realized your dreams. A man should be the "icing on the cake"...not the cake!!! LOL

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:18 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • NannyB. I totally agree with you.. when i was younger I was dating this guy off and on, and on the off would date some other guy.. and never really got a chance to discover what I really wanted. Other guy seemed great.. for awhile, then it was back to ex. Then another guy came, and he was great... for awhile, then back to ex... well it turned out me and ex got prego, and we got serious in trying to work things out.. same situation loved him, but not in love with him (you sure we weren't dating the same guy, lol) anyways... I finally said enough, i need to focus on me and child and find out what we need before I worry about a man and his needs. And I am very happy in the decision...

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 11:31 AM on Jan. 22, 2009

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