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What to do? 8yr old Daughter didn't listen. Doesn't care about being in trouble.

I'm not sure how to punish my 8yr old daughter. I'm obviously doing something wrong for her to keep disobeying me she just seems to have a lack of concern for any consequent.

She wanted a book from the book fair. So this morning when I was doping her off at school she asked me for some money to get the book she wanted. I only had a twenty dollar bill, so i put it in a envelope and told her to buy the ONE book and bring me my change.

When I picked her up from school she handed me the envelope and said here's your change, it's 2 dollars. OMG are you kidding me! I said are you telling me your book cost 18 dollars? She said no I bought 2! I said why?? She just couldn't decide which one she wanted.

The one she was supposed to get was the one she's been wanting for a long time. She knew she was only to buy one but totally took it into her own hands to make the decisions to buy two.

She could have just bought the one and then came home and said there was another one that cost blank amount of money can I please buy it tomorrow.

I don't know how to go about punishing her. Do I take the books away ? That doesn't seem like a good idea because reading is good. She just doesn't seem to care about getting in trouble. What to I do???


Asked by milf661 at 7:12 PM on Mar. 20, 2012 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

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This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I'd let her know why it's a problem for me, which means I'd have identified those specifics (what was upsetting?) for myself, and also let her know what I wish she'd done in the situation, or how I wish she'd have handled the problem. This means I'd acknowledge her problem AS a situation (not simply bad behavior or willful disobedience, but a choice she made in the face of a problem that she wanted to resolve.) Acknowledge that she had the money & wanted two books, so she chose to spend it but that YOU wish she would have done X or Y. (Come home with the expected change, and then ask about the 2nd book. Or whatever would have been acceptable to you.)
    For me this wouldn't be about punishment or imposing consequences, but sharing information & offering guidance in that way.
    The thing I'd want to do is address the underlying reasons/beliefs that led to her "taking this decision into her own hands" as she did, so I could change

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:06 PM on Mar. 21, 2012

  • I'd have her do chores to pay back the additional money she spent without permission

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 7:13 PM on Mar. 20, 2012

  • I agree with Branwyn. I wouldn't punish for not being able to make up her mind on the books but I would require her to work it off.

    Answer by gdiamante at 1:14 AM on Mar. 21, 2012

  • the SITUATION. This is what will help to make this sort of thing less likely in the future.
    When a kid fully trusts that the parent will hear her & value her feelings, she'll be less likely to behave in "opportunistic" ways, and more likely to communicate, check with, ask. It's when they have fear or doubt that they tend to behave preemptively given the opportunity (such as $20 in hand), because they think along the lines of "This is my only chance" or "This is my best chance." ("Mom will just say no.") To them, this is the sure way to make it work out their way.
    Those are the reasons for the decision, or else just assuming it's now or never & "maybe they will sell out" or "maybe it will be too late if I ask" (which is also about fear, & maybe just not fully appreciating the situation--that there will be another day of the fair, another opportunity, etc.)
    Providing information (both why her choice was a problem for you & what

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:12 PM on Mar. 21, 2012

  • you would prefer for her to have done in that situation) helps to address the underlying cause--lack of trust or confidence, the belief that if she wanted the book THIS was the way to get it, that something else wouldn't work. You are demonstrating understanding of her situation, that you take her feelings & wishes seriously, as well as respect & trust (offering guidance instead of trying to force behavioral change through punishments or consequences.) This all promotes an increase of trust on HER part, which makes her more likely to consult, which is what you want at bottom. (You want her not to take matters into her own hands & not to make preemptive decisions. You want her to include you & take you seriously, to cooperate & to respect you, to listen & to be responsive.)

    This is a classic "teaching opportunity" in which you can model, in your response to HER, the type of communication & process you want from her.

    Answer by girlwithC at 1:14 PM on Mar. 21, 2012

  • I would remember this. Don't say anything to her about it. Make her think she got away with it. Then next time she want something. remind her she bought an extra book. She was not supposeto buy. So what you want now you will not get.  It will teach her to be honest.


    Answer by louise2 at 7:23 PM on Mar. 20, 2012