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What are legitimate reasons not to support someone pursuing adoption?

An aunt of mine contacted me today saying she is beginning the adoption proceedure for a child or sib set, and is using me as a reference. My kneejerk reaction was "no way"! But on reflection I can't pin down why.

Admittedly this aunt and I agree on very few things (not religion, politics, ethics...), but I've never considered that people I don't agree with don't deserve children. I reserve that for the neglectful, abusive, or completely incompetent.

So I'm looking for some logical, unemotional criteria to figure out if this is something I will do. It's important to me to approach this fairly, as she would not have an alternate reference that meets the requirements.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:31 PM on Jan. 22, 2009 in Adoption

Answers (15)
  • as long as she will be a good parent and give the child what it needs and the best life they can have there isnt a reason for her not to do it

    Answer by mandei1509 at 2:40 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Would she be a good parent? And will she love the kids?
    If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then nothing else matters!! All children deserve to have someone and if she is trying to do that you should support her no matter what you disagree on...

    Answer by Mikayla_lynn at 2:40 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • If she would be a good parent to a child or children that needs a home nothing else matters. Only if you feel the child will be in physical or emotional danger should you do anything but support her and do whatever it takes to make this happen.

    Answer by gramsmom at 2:44 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • If you feel comfortable that the child(ren) will be loved and adequately cared for by your aunt and you still have reservations then you need to talk to her. You need hear from her why she wants to do this and how she will deal with parenting. It might be easier to make this decision if you knew what type of information will be asked of you as a reference. If you could get a list of questions that might be asked (she should be able to get some information from whoever she is working with for her home study), you could discuss them with your aunt and let her know if any of them make you uncomfortable. If there is any subject that she wants you to avoid or cover up for her, then I would tell her you cannot do it unless you can be completely honest.

    Answer by TweenAndTwinMom at 2:53 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Perhaps you have a better understanding of the complexities of a family formed by adoption and are worried that she's not as versed as you? There is more to be considered in adoption than the blessing it can be for parents who are deserving and committed to parenting. My adoptive mom would be the first to tell you (not because I was difficult - lol) that the philosophy of the 1960's-1970's was way off in thinking that, "you just raise them the same way you would raise a biologial child". It is good though, that you stopped your initial knee-jerk reaction and are considering what's behind your feelings. Good for you - adoption is ofen not as cut-and-dried as an issue as many would like to believe.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 3:49 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Dont ignore your gut feelings. There is a reason why you feel the way you do even though you can't pin point it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:12 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Why would you say no? Why are you asking what are legitimate reasons to not support someone? Everyone may have a diff answer! Only YOU know why you don't want to be apart of it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:59 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Trust your gut feelings and try to determine more specifically why you do not think that your aunt is a good candidate to adopt. I wonder too why there are no alternate references that she could use. Try to pin down why you think she would not be a good parent. Is she selfish, self-centered, or mean-spirited? Would she educate herself about adoption? Do you think she would be a bad parent to any child or just not be able to cope with all the challenges of adoption?

    Answer by Southernroots at 1:00 AM on Jan. 23, 2009

  • I'm the OP

    She does have friends and co-workers for references, but they want 2 relatives and she's only got 4, her daughter is a teenager, and her mother is extremely negative (about everything and everyone, all the time) which my mother and me.

    Some things I've come up with (and none of these is a reason but it's the cumulative picture I've put together) She's single, over 50, rigid and narrow of focus, extremely conservative, somewhat self centered, bipolar (on meds), and I can't help thinking this may be an attempt to forstall empty nest since my cousin goes off to college next fall. She the person who calls for a 1 minute question, and 2 hours later you're still trying to get off the phone because she just won't stop. She's needy.

    Her good side...Financially stable, good job, decent house, well educated, intelligent. She would never neglect or abuse. She is loving. My cousin is pretty well adjusted.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:28 AM on Jan. 23, 2009

  • Financially stable, good job, decent house......NOT the reason to adopt.
    I am a birthmom and I would never want my child with a person like this...

    Answer by ChrissyH at 2:52 PM on Jan. 23, 2009

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