Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

I want out

I have been married 26 years, and for most of them I have been screamed at and made to feel stupid and not capable of doing anything right. He would re do my cleaning, and if I told him I already vacuumed he would tell me it wasn't done right. He would glare and go for days at a time ignoring me and the kids. For things I probably did, but didn't know what. He would scream and have rages over little things. In Jan. after telling him again he was abusive he decided he would try and change. So ok he hasn't screamed at me and does try and be nice. The problem is now me. I still don't want him around, and have no feelings for him. He asked me once why I don't seem like I want him around. I said well I still feel you may go back to your old ways. He expects me to forget the 20 some years we fought. He said my problem is I can't move on and I always think of the past. He even told me I was abusive to him for treating him this way now. Well I feel it was ingrained in me. So is it my fault I can't just forget? He expects me to be all happy with him, and I just can't. I have no bond with him, and I actually want him completely out of my life. I just can't afford to go anywhere yet, and this makes me very depressed. So how do I start to want him in my life again? Because right now, I don't and the mere sight of him coming home makes me sick. I feel like a horrible person because I feel this.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:35 PM on Mar. 22, 2012 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Counseling, immediately. No, you're not wrong. If you want out you should get out. But counseling will help you avoid repeats.

    Answer by gdiamante at 9:38 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • Agreed. Counseling for you so you can move on with your life successfully. You deserve that

    Answer by BrawnwynII at 9:42 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • You are not wrong in wanting to no longer be abused.

    Answer by 3libras at 9:47 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • Yes counseling or a great friend. There is nothing wrong with you the more you went through this the more it pushed your feelings for him away. After 26 years of this I would have lots interest also

    Answer by amandaeastman at 9:52 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • I think it is a case of too little too late,, you did your best, I would try and others said counseling, but it is probably hard to find love again for someone like this,, huggs to you momma.

    Answer by kimigogo at 9:52 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • but now he isn't being abusive at least since Jan. I feel it is just too late, and I can't forget. I do think back to all the mean things he has done, and I feel angry that I allowed myself to stay. I was trapped, because I had I left when the kids were little, I was afraid what would happen when he would have visitation. He was very impatient with them as little kids and I was afraid what could happen when I wasn't there. Now they are older and I want to just start over. Problem is doing it. I have many pets, and not many apartments will allow more than 1 pet. My pets are an important part of my life. I do dwell in the past, he is right.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:53 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • Not being abusive for months out of 20+ years doesn't really sound like he's proven himself. I left an abusive marriage and didn't care where I went as long as I was left in peace. I'd call a domestic shelter and just ask them how they can help you relocate and start all over if that's what you want to do. It might just give you time enough to think if you want to stay with him for a longer haul. That gives him time to get help with his anger. Abusive nature doesn't disappear but it can lay dormant until he feels he has you back and in his control again. Please stay safe and find your peace.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:48 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • p.s. I divorced my x in 1981. He says he's a different man but every time we're in the same room we push the same buttons and he flares up again even after all of these yrs. All I have to do is breathe some days and it sets him off so I don't go back to my home state much and see my grown children much because of that. They live across the road from him so instead of me going there, they come here to visit me.

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:51 PM on Mar. 22, 2012

  • Id say, wounds heal but scars are hard to get rid of. You need to be true to yourself and be true to him. All that pain he caused you destroyed the love you felt, and you have no more to give. If you have children, im sure they would want the best for you. Im sure theyd want your happiness. Just forgive and leave, find your happiness. If its not with someone else, with yourself with your family. Enjoy the rest of your life, do thing you were never able to do before. BE HAPPY. BE FREE :)

    Answer by jessi1414 at 12:39 AM on Mar. 24, 2012

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.