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Why do (some) adoptive Mothers hate adoptees who are sad about loosing their Original Mother and family?

It's really kind of boring anymore to have people who grew up with their genetic family denigrate adoptee feelings because they can't relate. Get a grip, hon- adoption is NOT JUST about the amom! I'm so tired of adoptees being dismissed!


Asked by adopteeme at 7:06 PM on Jul. 19, 2008 in Adoption

Level 16 (3,092 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (26)
  • I think that adoptees are dismissed because the "purchase agreement" they were obtained under gave many of the customers a "lifetime guarantee" of "totally gratitude and loyalty." The sales-pitch they bought into was that adoption was EXACTLY like giving birth except without the morning sickness and stretch marks. They thus expect that the adopted person will NOT want to seek out their natural families. The "experts" told the PAPs this. Many thousands of dollars changed hands on this promise, particularly in the "closed adoption era." But even today, adopters are made the same promise and most adoption agency marketing is based on this same myth. Plus the legal lie of "As If Born To" that underpins falsified and sealed adoption records even provides tacit and overt social sanction for this myth.

    Answer by Momzilla4 at 2:41 PM on Jul. 22, 2008

  • Just my opinion, but I think some adoptive moms want to view all adoption as a happy and wonderful experience for all, and hearing unhappy adoptees spoils their perfect image of adoption. Plus, they want and need to believe that if they are good mothers their adopted children will have no adoption issues.

    Answer by Southernroots at 7:36 PM on Jul. 19, 2008

  • As an adoptive mother, I can say for myself that I do not feel that way. My children are entitled to have their feelings. I hope they will feel that they are able to talk to me about it when the time comes. I would much rather they be open with me about it, than try to keep it in to spare my feelings.

    Answer by romeece at 8:46 PM on Jul. 19, 2008

  • My adoptive mother is very jealous of the relationship that I have with my birthmother. I think that she feels that if she had doe a "good enough" job raising me, I would have no need to have contact with my birth family. I wish that she could just be happy for me.

    Answer by lawmom623 at 11:38 PM on Jul. 19, 2008

  • As an adoptive mother myself, I cannot imagine hating my daughter or any other child who was adopted because they miss their birth family. Our daughters birth mother is not in the picture, nor will she be in the near future, but when my daughter is old enough I will answer any questions she has as honestly as I can, AS HER AGE PERMITS. There are some things about her birth mom that I do not believe she will need to know until she's an adult.

    Answer by mommytoadam at 11:10 AM on Jul. 21, 2008

  • I'm not sure that they really hate more than they are hurt. If you spent the past 18 years raising and loving and supporting a child and loving that child as your own flesh and blood you would be hurt too if they came to you one day and said i want to find my mother.

    Answer by feesharose at 5:11 PM on Jul. 21, 2008

  • There you go again Adopteeme and Southernroots... propogating division. I cannot believe how it never stops with you. Adopteeme, seriously, haven't you found a counselor yet???

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:22 AM on Jul. 22, 2008

  • quote: Anonymous

    There you go again Adopteeme and Southernroots... propogating division. I cannot believe how it never stops with you. Adopteeme, seriously, haven't you found a counselor yet???

    ahhhhhhh......the GIFT of adoption- giving again and again.

    “ I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” Pietro Aretino

    Answer by adopteeme at 4:04 AM on Jul. 22, 2008

  • Anonymous ,

    You must be VERY worried that YOUR adoptee will grow up bitter and angry and ungrateful (gasp) to have been adopted if you are so concerned about me- to follow my posts around cafe mom. Otherwise- I wouldn't be such a threat to you and a thorn in your side for you to post such a thing.

    in the mean time.......

    “The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.”
    Alexander Jablokov

    blowing kisses


    Answer by adopteeme at 7:11 AM on Jul. 22, 2008

  • (message continued)

    Much as to change, legally and socially, and adoptees speaking out can make a HUGE difference, along with adoptive parents SUPPORTING adoptees when the adoptee wants to search for and/or recognize their natural family as family. Adoptive parents should focus their anger at the agencies and sue them for false advertising.

    Answer by Momzilla4 at 2:41 PM on Jul. 22, 2008

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