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What can I do for my mom?

My mom has had a hard life. She was molested for 9 years, my dad abused her and was controlling, her second husband ended up leaving her for a man (he only used her to have a baby) and now her 3rd husband is controlling and his son is abusive towards her.
What can I do for her? I love my mom so much and I know she makes her own choices and all I can do is be there for her, but it is harder now that I am an adult, married and have my own family. I hate to see her get treated like this.
How I was raised by her is also affecting my marriage. My husband is the greatest, but because I saw my mom get so controlled, I wanted to make sure I was never in that postion, so I am the one too controlling in my relationship. I am scared to give myself all the way to my husband, to let him have even a little control.
Her husband doesnt let her wear pants (She has to wear long skirts, he says real women dont wear pants) She was the one


Asked by Anonymous at 9:50 PM on Jan. 22, 2009 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • You need to break away from this emotionally. My mom went through much of the same things and the abuser also hit me too and the things he said and did stick with me today. But its your moms choice to stay so she has to suffer the consequences of her actions or non actions. You need to worry about your family and not her. Dont let what your mom went through affect your marriage. Its not fair to your husband or child I know all this sounds harsh but this is what a counselour told me

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:37 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Cont: who was working, but he never let her have money even to fill up her gas tank to come see my daughter and I (He "plays" music 1 night a week and get $150 per "gig")
    his son verbally abuses my mom. My mom is not allowed to even move one piece of furniture in the house, not allowed to burn candles, not allowed to go out by herself (we went to get 4 genetration pics done and he wouldnt let her go without him, it was supposed to be a girls day out with DD, mom, my sister, grandmom and I)
    It kills me that she is going through this.
    What can I tell her to she deserves better than this without pushing her away? She is afraid to be alone, but she shouldnt settle!

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • There's nothing you can do for your mom other than to be there for her and be supportive. SHE has to be the one that makes the stand and decides that she has had enough of being treated like this and gets out!!!! But she has to be the one to make that choice. Sometimes when women are abused as kids, they tend to have the mindset that being with abusive people is all the better they can do. That they dont deserve anything better. I was once like that....a looooooooong time ago, and I had a good man come into my life and teach me that I didnt have to bow down to him, that I was his equal. Your mom doesnt have any self esteem right now, or feeling of self worth....doesnt feel that she deserves anything better, and that is the painful truth.

    Answer by MyMayBaby_Chloe at 9:55 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Just talk to her and see is maybe she will get in to some form of counseling. She needs more help than you are able to give her right now.
    As far as you being too controlling.....the next time you see your mom, take a long hard look at her face and see through her eyes what she has been through being controlled all of her life. Then go home, kiss your husband and give yourself to him completely. It's always ok to have a little bit of a guard up, but you are controlling your DH the same as your mom's husband is controlling her.
    Good luck to you and your mother!!! :)

    Answer by MyMayBaby_Chloe at 9:57 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • She can leave any time she wants but am guessing that she'd just find another abuser. many women who are abused find the treatment familiar. It's not that they like it. It's that they are comfortable with it. Some know no other life. I'm sorry she is going through this but to some women this abusive obsession is translated as "love". We know it's not love but some women think it is. If she doesn't see it as abuse then she may not be receptive to leaving or contacting a domestic violence shelter but if she would, they could counsel her and help her get out and maybe not continue the cycle again with another abuser. You are a good daughter to care.

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:28 PM on Jan. 22, 2009

  • Encourage her to seek counseling. That is the only thing you can do.

    Answer by hopelessnance at 10:46 PM on Jan. 22, 2009