Here's the situation. Depression runs in my family, when i was a teen i thought i might be depressed. i learned to hide it. because i couldnt stand my mom and my mom was open about her depression i did not want to be anything like her. so i hide it. self medicated with cigs, alcohol, mj, excercise, sleep, art, etc... whatever made it better (never any hard / real drugs.) i went on that way through high school and college - during that time i met and married dh. we never really discussed it. during college i smoked a ton of mj (weed) and rarely had depression symptoms because of it (no that isnt a legal option in my state yet.) after college, i settled into a professional job, bought our first house, had our first child, completely cut the weed out, and again had depression symptoms. i tried to treat them with lots of excercise, sleep, art, taking care of myself, etc.... really to no avail. i was not going to use weed to treat it because its not legal and not really worth the risk with a young child. i told dh about this and he was kinda disappointed - taking it personally - like he wasnt good enough - my life made me depressed - when the truth is that it had been there under the surface all the time. after my second child the depression was undeniable, despite any amount of excercise (and healthy habits) it could not be denied. it was sucking the energy and joy from my being. i went on an antidepressant. dh seemed glad that i was happy again - but disappointed in me - that i couldnt just will myself to be happy. he would always talk about when i get off that stuff (not that it matters but i was on a childs dose - couldnt be a smaller dose for an adult.) i did have some med related side effects - like tiredness and lower sex drive. let dh convince me that since i was in a good swing i should go off it - see what happened - see if it was pregnancy related (hormones) ... and here i am 3 yrs later... i work out almost every day - my life isnt perfect but i am really struggling to find the joy in everyday. i cry everyday in the shower - ashamed that i feel this way and cant just cut it out. i want to be normal and happy and not need pills. i dont have negative self talk.. before i go to bed each night and before getting out of bed in the morning i have to think of at least 5 things i am truly greatful for. i am doing all that i can without meds to get myself up. but its not happening. i made an appt with a dr. in the area to talk about going on meds again - i am jsut worried to tell dh. worried that he will seem disappointed in somehting i want to control but cant - and i dont want to go on unhappy - i would rather him disappointed than me unhappy. how do you explain it to someoone who has never had depression - any good book suggestions. etc... idk - i just wish he "got it." and please just dont post - leave him - because besides this - he is a perfect husband (in my definition - he cooks and cleans and works full time and is a great father...etc... ) so its not that bad or big of a deal - i just would ike a better way to present it. is it terrible to not mention it - i know it is - its the same as hiding it ... but i just dont want greif over it either... oh well - you tell me!Answer Question
Asked by Anonymous at 11:10 AM on Apr. 2, 2012 in Relationships
Answer by kimigogo at 11:22 AM on Apr. 2, 2012
Depression is a real problem and perhaps it would benefit your DH to go to the Dr. with you so that he can ask questions and maybe get a medical / clinical insight to the condition and maybe gain more knowledge that way (taking you out of the equation and actually learning about depression as opposed to how your depression affects him). I don't know of any books, but he does need a better understanding of depression so that you can feel comfortable with taking medications if and when necessary. It's really hard for people to understand illnesses that effect others when there are no obvious symptoms.
Clearly though, you should do what feels right to you and you have every right to want to be happy and comfortable in your own skin.
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