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Trust issues...

There has been a lot of tension between my SO and I especially since we had our son 7 weeks ago. I knew a while back that he had been looking at porn on my computer when we were dating. I got really pissed and locked it so he couldn't get on it anymore. Wasn't an issue for a long time, then he got his own laptop and when I was ordering some stuff for him on it I looked and found a shit-ton of porn on it. I was instantly fuming mad. I was mad for days and could hardly talk to him. He ended up asking me what was up, and we talked about it. He said he would stop, but how do I know? I know that I have certain trust issues because of an ex bf, he cheated on me and would look at porn up to 6 times a day to get off and it really bothered me. So now when my SO does it, it's hard because I'm especially feeling bad about my body after having a kid! Any advice for me on how to deal with this?

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K_Coleman

Asked by K_Coleman at 1:39 PM on Jan. 24, 2009 in Relationships

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • I think that looking at Porn is completely normal for a man. But, if it bothers you so much, he should respect that. You've expressed how you feel but perhaps getting so mad at him fuels him more. He wants his freedom to be a man and make his own decisions. I do, however, think it's disrespectful if you've told him exactly how you feel and he doesn't stop. Remember, that trust begins with you. You have to believe that you are worthy of love and fidelity; you cannot rely on his actions to determine that for you. If you don't feel good about yourself, than you may never trust him. And, you should feel good! You just accomplished the most important thing that a woman will do...you carried and birthed a baby! :) Good luck.
    hgibsonorc

    Answer by hgibsonorc at 1:45 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • i told my so str8up--do it again and we're thru!we didnt have internet so he looked at it on his fone left it home one day and i wanted to read the news and clicked back too maky times and there it was,called him on his lunch break and flipped out! i told him point blank-1 more chance thats all! u wanna look at sum1 whose the total oppisiste of me,do it while were NOT together , and he hasnt dun it since.the computer is RIGHT NEAR ME,phone is home w/ me and the only time he has a minute to get on is wen im dun cleanin and im in the living room plus he dk how to erase the history and the confidence factor?! drop it!my guy honestly hates me cuz i dont have confidnece , u dont understand how big a turn off it is for our men but if u feel mayb hes doin things behind ur back CALMLY ask him...its easier,and tell him to please not get mad u just are having sum issues and need help gettin over them.worked for us!!!good luck mama
    tha-hawt-mommie

    Answer by tha-hawt-mommie at 1:55 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • Realize- you can do the same as him... turn the tables on him if he don't respect that this bothers you. I would always hand them back their own medicine and to see how they like it or not, when they think you can do even more- most stop. I would ask nicley ONCE and tell them you are asking for the respect,if I found out , went behind my back- deal is off, out would come MY playgirl my sites and would leave it out to be seen.Sometimes it takes turning things around for them to see they don't like it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:17 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • I think you're taking your trust issues with your ex out on you SO...... why? If you really explained to him why you have issues with porn and he said he would stop then you should just leave it at that. It was not your SO that looked at porn 6 times a day and cheated on you. He deserves more respect than what you're giving him. You deserve the respect of him respecting your wishes, but he definitely deserves for you not to take your past anger out on him when he wasn't the guy who did that too you. I think some women are too strung out on self esteem issues and drive their men away, don't be one of those women. Yep, he looked at porn on HIS laptop.... but maybe he took it the way I did when I read it; "He couldn't look at it on YOUR computer"..... guys are simpletons sometimes. You know?
    PaceMyself

    Answer by PaceMyself at 2:30 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • I think alot of the porn issues you have stem boldly from your insecurities now im not saying he shouldnt respect your feelings because HE SHOULD my boyfriend looks at porn alot and masturbates and such but im kinda w/e about it....he is a man ; its normal ; Now.....I can understand the trust issues because of being hurt in past relationships because i have been in that spot ; But how can you truly love someone and enjoy a relationship if you continue to hold on and bring past stuff into your current life? I mean i did the same thing but until you learn to let go to what ur asshole ex did to you ; you will bring that into EVERY relationship you get into. Wat kinda life is that?..... your gonna just cause yourself more insanity and more pain if you continue to do this ; and just try to work on the porn issue alone ; dont get on him and kinda learn to let it go ; its just porn......
    kwiseman19

    Answer by kwiseman19 at 2:32 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • Girlfriend its only porn. Hell sit down and watch it with him. Never know what you may learn. This is normal for men and woman. Even have some kids who sneak and watch it........LOL It's really not a big deal. He's an adult it's ok. Watch it with him learn somethings and use it in your own bed.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:26 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • Oh it is only pictures for goodness sakes. Girlfriend I have been married to the same man for over 23 years and together 25. You have to let things go or you will drive him away. He is not running out to strip joints without you or having sex with anyone other than you. Men do look at pictures because that is how they are wired. To love a person means to let somethings go. Don't make him pay the price for what your ex did to you. Heck ask him about the porn. You can find soft porn that is more for us girls. Watch it with him and learn some neat things. Have fun with him and let the anger go.
    pnwmom

    Answer by pnwmom at 4:18 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • I just don't understand the problem with porn? He's just looking at ppl for sexual stimulation. What has that got to do with his feelings for you? Men think of sex every six seconds so it's not unusual that they find porn online convenient. It's just a sexual tool and it's not really interactive so he's not with someone else. Maybe you will feel better after you get past the post partum depression stage and get back into the shape where you feel hot again.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:25 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • OP, sorry you are getting such shitty answers. The point is if it bothers you then he shouldn't be doing it point blank. For the nit wits that say porn is a normal "guy" thing and it's just for sexual stimulation, I really have a hard time with your views. People get off watching many different types of things. Some men like to watch women get raped, beat, they like to watch sex with animals and children and you also have the non porn side where people love to watch people beat the hell out of each other or set homeless people on fire like bum fights. Does this mean that it should be acceptable? Just because its visual stimulation doesn't mean it should be acceptable. So by your theory, all of the above should be acceptable because we are animalistic, violent, sexual beings that have no self control right? ~rolls eyes~ Re think that theory!
    legalmommy101

    Answer by legalmommy101 at 6:20 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

  • Call it what you will. Sex is a hot, beautiful thing. And yes men do not mean any harm when they look at porn. You can either take the advice of the ppl that are telling you how to get along with your SO or you can continue to fight with him. You just had a baby and your emotions are haywire right now. Don't nag him about it just go to him and let him know you need some time with him. Remember like some of the other posters have said it is just pictures not real ppl. Hey I have been with my DH for 15 years. He looks at porn and so do I. Right now your body is adjusting and you will feel better soon. Try not to be paranoid and don't be hard on yourself. Wishing you a wonderful life with your baby and SO.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:28 PM on Jan. 24, 2009

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