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My husband doesnt want me around...

My husbands Grandfather is passing away right now. He lives in Minnesota and we live in Ohio. So I really want him to be there. Not only that but I want to be there. I thought that we could drive there but he doesn't want to. He would rather fly there by himself. He would be using up his vacation days if he flies and he would be using his vacation days if he drives. Isn't a wife suppose to be there for her husband in a time like this? Besides, when I married my husband I married into his family and his Grandfather is now my Grandfather. I have been closer to them than my husband has been the past couple of years. I feel that my husband is only using this as a chance to get a break from me and the kids. I know its sad but I think its true. He cannot give me a reason why he doesn't want me there besides," I don't want to drive because I hate driving." It hurts me so bad. What should I do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:43 AM on Jan. 25, 2009 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • Continued...
    I would definitely rather have him fly by himself than him not go at all. Especially if the only reason for him not going is because he doesn't want me to go with him. I am so hurt though! I can't stop crying about it. I have so many emotions right now, I am sad because his Grandfather is passing away, and I am sad because my husband doesn't want me to go. I just think that he is deep down using it to his advantage to get some alone time.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:03 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • Is it possible that he needs the time to himself to grieve for what he's losing? For you and the kids to go with him, it would be very expensive to fly, and to ride however far it is, both of your nerves would be shot riding with one or more children, and in that situation you really don't want small kids around (don't know how old yours are). No one uses their families death to spend time away from the family if they have any morals at all. Maybe he's thinking of the welfare of everyone. I'm not saying this to be mean but I doubt it's because he doesn't want you to go. I feel really bad for you, because I understand that you want to be there to support him and to say your goodbyes as well but it's just hard with kids. I've had to miss a lot of funerals and hospital visits because it's not appropriate (in my opinion) to take a child to see people in pain (emotional or physical).
    lisa_ann_p

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 12:27 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • we all deal with grief in our own way. Being "alone" might be his way of coping without the distraction of traveling with his family. No offense but ppl tend to talk and kids tend to play and get rowdy or bored and distract a driver at times. Plus, I think driving would be dangerous. Ppl in grief shouldn't drive. It's hard to focus when you are upset. You can be supportive at home by taking care of the kids while he grieves. When he needs you he will come to you and let you know. Just being there for him in spirit is helpful enough.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:53 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • men sometimes need "alone time" to grief. I don't think he is trying to hurt you, I think he is just trying to get that space that he man need to grief himself. Encourage him to go, and help him pack. Include a nice bag for him to take with him.. include a card, that tells him how much you love him, and his favorite snacks. I would also make sure to send flowers to the family, to show that just because you and the kids aren't there, you still are grieving with them, and are wishing everyone the best.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 1:19 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • Its just so hard. I feel like I'm a horrible person for feeling hurt because he doesn't want me to go with him. I don't know why I just can't stop myself from crying. I've been crying all night and all day and can't stop.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:35 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • just try and focus on the other things you can do, to make this easier on him, try making a nice batch of cookies, or ordering take out from his favorite place.. and when he is gone focus on the kids, be sure to check up on his family, and try to remember it's not you, it's him. If you have to, make a night to stay at a friends house, or invite one over, to discuss what's been going on, sometimes just having a friends shoulder to cry on is all a person needs.
    xxhazeldovexx

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 5:20 PM on Jan. 25, 2009

  • Just a quick update...
    I laid off my husband about it and he saw how sad I have been and surprised me last night with some flowers. His Grandfather is doing a little better but still only has a 10% chance of making it. My husband and I had a great night together and cleared our heads of all the negative stuff that was going on and just cuddled.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:00 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

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