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3 Bumps

When is it okay to tell your 18 yr old they have to move out?

My DD is 18 and still technically in school. She is failing and at this stage only rarely going to school. We have been in therapy together since November. She is rude and calls me names when hubby is not around, but the other children are. She doesn't come home for days at a time and I never know when she walks out the door if she is going to come home.

She has admitted to our counselor that she is "burning bridges" with me and she doesn't care. She has chosen her "new" friends (that she has only known for about a month) over her family. As far as I know she is not taking drugs...but I do feel it is only a matter of time some of these friends do.

I want her to stay with us so she doesn't have any "excuses" (she can't blame us) for not graduating. But with her not going to school what is the point. Open to suggestions and thoughts...thanks.

 
sipn_mom

Asked by sipn_mom at 8:26 AM on Apr. 17, 2012 in General Parenting

Level 18 (5,555 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • JewJew you do have a point. I would never allow another person to treat me the way she does. I just keep hoping something will click before something happens to her
    ---
    Controlling her environment will not be changing her mind. Controlling her physical body will also not change her mind.
    There is something that you are feeding yourself, that you need, by having her there and allowing her to treat you that way. Maybe, by allowing her to behave this way you at least know what she's doing. And that knowing is of some comfort to you.
    However, she's going to do what she wants regardless of what you want or feel or need.
    Forcing her to be accountable and responsible at a younger age, may just be the thing that saves her.
    You don't want a 30 yr old woman in your house doing this, and by allowing her at 18 you are raising and enabling the future 30 yr old to flourish.
    Loving is not enabling. God bless and Good luck.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 8:52 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • She's 18. She's an adult, and she's acting like one (to a point). So....treat her like one. Would you let another adult live with you rent free and act like this? Of course not! So, lay down the rules and tell her she needs to pay X in rent every month, and X% of each of the household bills that she benefits from (water, electric, phone, etc.). If she doesn't like it, then you tell her you understand and that she has X days to get her own place to live and get her things packed up and move out. Once she sees how much it'll cost her to rent her own place, it'll open her eyes. And if she chooses not to rent, and just crash with friends...well, at least she's not taking advantage of you anymore. She's 18, there's only so much you can do. You can't make her be responsible and respectful anymore. If she's not willing to do it on her own, kick her out so she knows you're not going to put up with it.
    wendythewriter

    Answer by wendythewriter at 8:50 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • Set up a contract. If she doesn't follow it she needs to move out. Include going to school as one of the stipulations.
    iwicked

    Answer by iwicked at 8:33 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • I would show her tough love first. Treat her like a child. take everything away. Don't let her go anywhere etc. If she has you wrapped around her finger, no she will not cooperate.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:34 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • Drug test her, lay down the law give her curfews etc. tell her straight up she has xxx amount of time to straighten her act or she's gone. If she has house keys take them, don't let her drive our cars ( if you do that).
    Mrs_Harsh

    Answer by Mrs_Harsh at 8:31 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • You can show her the door today.
    I have a young man living with us because his parents didn't want him to date. Silly isn't it? At 18, he showed up at my door ready to leave his parents for good.
    Two entirely different stories I know, but you can show her the door today. She'll never respect you until you learn to respect yourself enough to stop putting up with this treatment. People can only treat you in the manner in which you allow them to.
    jewjewbee

    Answer by jewjewbee at 8:40 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • If you have done all that, I agree with the above. Show her the door today. THAT is tough love.
    Christine0813

    Answer by Christine0813 at 8:43 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • We have taken away the car and I have told her that she is not allowed to go MIA and just come home for a shower and back out. We have drawn up a "contract" with the counselor that said she has to be home by curfew and go to school to be able to stay at home.

    I have said "you can't" go and/or hang out with these people and she will walk out anyway.
    sipn_mom

    Comment by sipn_mom (original poster) at 8:40 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • JewJew you do have a point. I would never allow another person to treat me the way she does. I just keep hoping something will click before something happens to her
    sipn_mom

    Comment by sipn_mom (original poster) at 8:43 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

  • 18 is not an easy age for some. I'm sure the counselor has explained to you the way your daughter is dealing with her problems. Your daughter have problems one being not being able to maintain her school attendance. I agree with the PP posters if she can't keep her side of the deal she can start living her life the way she pleases.
    Are her friends in school as well?
    Have you met her friend?
    I mean do they stay at your home?
    Cafemomoftwo217

    Answer by Cafemomoftwo217 at 9:01 AM on Apr. 17, 2012

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