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How do I convince my boyfriend's oldest daughter I'm not evil?

My boyfriend has two daughters one is 12 and one is 15. The 12 year old adores me and the 15 year old is haing a hard time adjusting. Their mother is in jail on felony charges. She has been through alot the past year. I have two children of my own, a son that is 3 and autistic and a daughter who is 1 year old. Also he is 39 and I am 24, I have not ever had this sitation before. Any advice wold be welcomed. I might also add that I have tried to be friends with her. Tonight was a good night she talked and hung out with me and her sister. But I am not sure if it is going to continue and how can I help it continue?


Asked by Anonymous at 12:13 AM on Jan. 26, 2009 in Teens (13-17)

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • 4. Fall in love with her. She is your daughter, step-daughter, friend, whatever for the rest of your lives. You'll have Christmas and Birthdays together. She'll be the one throwing your 25 year wedding anniversary party and the mother of your first grandchild. You'll be forever connected so better make it count.

    - Those are the most important things I can think of. Congratulations on turning your family of 3 into a family of 6!


    Answer by Katrinka_Renee at 10:04 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • it is hard i have a 13 year old steep son and he does ok but u cant stay all budy budy or she wont respect u for when u have to punish her for doing wrong its hard but will all work out give her more time u will see

    Answer by josalin at 12:19 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • treat her like you treat all of your kids and give her you said she's been through alot. im sure she'll come around

    Answer by tnteaton at 1:27 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • I am from the other side of this situation- my step mom is 10 years older than me and I was 17 when she married my dad, my mom was just up the road with my stepdad, so the last thing I wanted was this woman coming in and being my mother! I had taken care of dad and my bro and sis for a year after mom left and when my stepmonster (oops mother) came in with 4 kids of her own the first thing she did was pawn them off on me! My point you have to try to be more like the "cool aunt" who has respect and some authority, but not control respect her history with her dad and remember that she was there first.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:52 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • I agree with Anon - I had a terrible time with my stepmonster but advice and is what you need not my drama story:

    1. Make a detailed observation of how her mother handled discipline (if at all). If mom was super laid back and never grounded her daughters, you could run into some trouble. It's best to match the same level of punishment when bad grades or lies need to be addressed that the child would have expected had you not been in the picture. (when you can, try to be more focused on helping her to resolve her problems. At 15 she'll be sure that every problem she has is the end of the world so you may be able to bond over some of these issues.)


    Answer by Katrinka_Renee at 10:03 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • 2. Your relationship needs to be special. As a mom of 2, you already know the importance of making your kids feel like individuals. You'll have to do the same this with your step-girls. If you don't already have something in common with her try to find something special (like a trip to the spa) that you can enjoy together. Remember, you're only 9 years older than her. She probably enjoys a lot of the same things you do.

    3. Let Dad be Dad. There is no more sacred a relationship than that between a girl and her Daddy. When possible - let him hand out the attention. Do your best to nurture their bond and NEVER act jealous of the bond she has with her Dad (not saying you have or will - but this is a HUGE mistake that a lot of step-moms make with little girls).


    Answer by Katrinka_Renee at 10:04 AM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • try to talk to her alone, let her know, very clearly in plain english, look, i dont want to replace your mom, but i love your dad, so even if we cant be real mother/daughter, cant we be friends instead? The secret to this working is friends talk about a LOT more than moms and daughters, so you may get some secret info you didnt want to know but needed to know, where you can inform her dad, if this happens, and she gets mad, again pull her aside and add that because you are best friends, you felt she needed protection, and you could not be disloyal to her father. it may be hard, but acceptance will likely come in time and patience. (also, know when to shut up and let her go, not meaning to be harsh, but i had a stepdad, and well, he always made it worse, simply put yourself in her shoes)

    Answer by no.1twinmommy at 5:55 PM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • You are not that much older than she is. I'm guessing she's having a hard time with that. You are nine years older than she is and wanting to be her mom yet her dad is 15 yrs older than you and you have two kids and are doing her dad. Geez, how screwed up is that? No wonder the kid has issues with you. Couldn't pops find someone his own age or did he just need a cheap babysitter he could sleep with?

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:03 PM on Jan. 26, 2009

  • I think her attitude towards you has to do with your closeness in age and the fact that you're moving in on "her territory." Since my parents broke up when I was young, I've dealt with many signifigant others and, ultimately, step parents. It's never an easy situation and especially with her mother being in jail, a rough adjustment. I think it's best that you keep things at the level they're at now. Try to form a relationship with her but definitely don't be the bearer of discipline. This doesn't mean you should let her walk all over you but it's something you need to discuss with your boyfriend.

    Answer by Isa0524 at 11:21 AM on Jan. 27, 2009

  • i am going to have to say that is when her father your boyfriend needs too step up and let her know that she can not act this way too you period no matter how close in age you too are that is your home you are a adult and what you and he says goes and if she can't handle that then too bad

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 AM on Feb. 1, 2009